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Post by TheOogieBoogieMan on Nov 17, 2004 13:44:47 GMT -5
Ok, here's a joke thread as a product of all the naysaying over at the Funny Thing I Heard thread  . Alright here we go... A man goes to a ranch to rent a horse for his journey across the desert. He talks to the owner and asks if he can rent a horse. The owner says "There is only one horse available, and he is a special horse. To get him to walk, you have to say 'Thank God', and to get him to stop, you have to say 'Amen'." The man decides to take the horse. So the man gets on the horse and says "Thank God", and the horse starts to trot. He then repeats the phrase until the horse starts to gallop through the desert. The horse moves really quickly, and suddenly, the man sees they are approaching a cliff. Scared, he yells to stop the horse many times before he remembers and shouts "Amen!". The horse comes to a halt, right at the edge of the cliff. Relieved, the man wipes his forehead, "Oh, Thank God!" SUB-QUESTION: What are your favorite comedians? Mine are George Carlin, Jeremy Hotz (canadian guy...he did a Comedy Central special, so I'm assuming he's popular in the states, too), Dane Cook, and Brian Regan ("Remove Pop-Tart from pouch!"). Ok, I'm going now. *walks away* |
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Post by DocD83 on Nov 17, 2004 14:05:27 GMT -5
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Post by PoolMan on Nov 17, 2004 15:13:34 GMT -5
Never stopped you before!
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Post by DocD83 on Nov 17, 2004 15:22:54 GMT -5
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Post by TheOogieBoogieMan on Nov 17, 2004 15:25:41 GMT -5
Have. You. No. Shame? |
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Post by TheLuckyOne on Nov 17, 2004 15:29:23 GMT -5
Guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap. Psychiatrist takes one look at him and says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
*******
A bear is chasing a rabbit through the forest one day when they accidentally knock over a bottle, which falls over and shatters. A genie appears and says, "For freeing me from imprisonment in that bottle, I will grant each of you three wishes. In the interest of fairness, you may alternate. Bear, you go first."
The bear thinks for a second, then he says, "I wish all the other bears in this forest were female." The genie claps his hands and says, "It is done." He then turns to the rabbit, who says, "I wish for a helmet."
Both the bear and the genie wonder why the rabbit didn't simply wish for millions of dollars, with which he could easily buy a helmet, but neither says anything. Instead, the genie claps his hands and a helmet appears in the rabbit's hands. For his second wish, the bear thinks for a second and then says, "I wish all the bears in the neighboring forest were female." The genie claps his hands, announces it is done, and then turns back to the rabbit. "I wish for a motorcycle," the rabbit says.
By this point, the bear and genie are more curious than ever, but the rabbit simply smiles and says nothing. Shrugging, the genie claps his hands and a motorcycle appears in the forest next to them. He turns back to the bear, who thinks for a long time and then says, "I wish every other bear in the world was female." The genie claps his hands, says, "It is done," and turns back to the rabbit for his third and final wish.
The rabbit straps the helmet onto his head, hops on his motorcycle, and kicks it to life. Finally he looks at the genie, says "I wish the bear were gay," and takes off like a bat out of hell!
-D
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Post by DocD83 on Nov 17, 2004 15:31:52 GMT -5
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Post by TheOogieBoogieMan on Nov 17, 2004 15:55:13 GMT -5
A man dies and goes to Hell. He is immediately greeted by the Devil, who gives him the chance to choose his punishment for the rest of eternity.
The Devil takes the man to a room that has a guy chained and getting whipped. The man turns down this option, so the Devil takes him to another room.
In this room, a guy is being burnt by hot coals and torches. The man rejects this punishment as well, so the Devil takes him into yet another room.
In this room, there is a really old, ugly man getting (pleasured) by a very attractive woman. The man is obviously interested in this option, and decides that this one is the one he wants. The Devil accepts his decision, and walks over to the woman, taps her on the shoulder, and says "You can stop now, we have a replacement."
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Post by DocD83 on Nov 17, 2004 16:30:52 GMT -5
This guy dies and finds himself climbing a ladder to heaven. When he gets to the first level of clouds, there's a rather ugly old woman there, who says, "You can either stay here and screw me for the rest of eternity, or keep climbing the ladder to sucess!"
No contest, the guy keeps climbing until he gets to the next layer of clouds. There he finds an average looking woman who says, "You can either stay with me for the rest of eternity, or keep climbing the ladder to sucess!" The guy decides to keep climbing.
Then he gets to the third layer of clouds and there's absolutely gorgeous woman sitting there who offers the same choice: "Stay with me forever or climb the ladder to sucess!"
Well, the guy has caught on to the pattern at this point, and gets greedy. He thinks to himself how gorgeous the next woman will be, and he decides to go up one more level.
The guy climbs and climbs. He gets to the end of the ladder and steps onto the cloud. The ladder diappears behind him, and he looks around.
He sees a grotequely fat man, in a stained wifebeater and chomping on a cigar, sitting on a couch. The man spits, and says, "Hi. My name is Cess."
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Post by PoolMan on Nov 17, 2004 18:28:25 GMT -5
Well, this certainly took a long time to get out of hand, didn't it?
A degree down please, gents.
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Post by TheOogieBoogieMan on Nov 17, 2004 18:47:00 GMT -5
*turns the knob down a notch and feels a piece of his soul fly away*
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Post by DocD83 on Nov 17, 2004 19:25:28 GMT -5
Awww, you're going to ruin all my fun.
You do realize I have much worse jokes? I could post a couple links...
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Post by PoolMan on Nov 18, 2004 10:49:41 GMT -5
Post links! With content warnings! That's all I ask! But we have PG13 guidelines that Herr Olivetti makes us adhere to, and I intend to enforce them.
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Post by DocD83 on Nov 18, 2004 12:13:29 GMT -5
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synchondrosis
Boomstick Coordinator
Watcha lookin' at?!
Posts: 86
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Post by synchondrosis on Nov 18, 2004 20:48:37 GMT -5
A transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.
Americans: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."
Canadians: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."
Americans: "This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."
Canadians: "No, I say again, you divert YOUR course."
Americans: "THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ABRAHAM LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP."
Canadians: "This is a lighthouse. It's your call."
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. Alright here we go...
