Post by Hucklebubba on Jan 14, 2007 23:53:54 GMT -5
(Warning: In this review, I promise poop jokes, and then don't actually include any.)
Ah, where to begin? The beginning, I suppose.
Some time ago, my boss, Five (real name withheld), who is the grand high priest of a Salma Hayek-worshipping cult, came into possession of a copy of Bandidas by way of the magic of eBay.
Sporting fellow that he is, he let me borrow it after about fifteen or so repeated viewings, and now I'm reviewing it for you. Okay! Backstory done!
Before I get to anything involving the actual movie, it bears mentioning that the DVD itself is a bit of an odd old duck. As far as Five or I can tell, it isn't a bootleg--if it is, it's the most professional bootleg either of us have ever seen--but it doesn't seem entirely normal either.
It's distributed by a company I've never heard of, features some weird language options, a rather. . .peculiar preview, and it seems to randomly choose which players it wants to work on.
Also, at the time of purchase, Five couldn't find any information about it on the net (apparently, Salma Hayek being in it was information enough). I suspect it's some sort of pre-release prototype from the Ukraine that was never meant to be sold to individual consumers. Sweet!
Now that that's over, it's time for--you guessed it--the plot synopsis. I don't know why I find plot synopses to be such a chore, but I do know that I wish there was some way I could beam it directly into your head so I can get on to the poop jokes.
Anyway, there's an evil guy wanting to build a railroad, and Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz aren't him. Done.
What? Okay, fine. I'll do a for real one.
Aristocrat Sara Sandoval (Hayek) and farm girl Maria Alvarez (Cruz) are forced into a classic contrasting buddy-cop relationship with each other when Capital Bank "representative" Tyler Jackson (Dwight Yoakam) kills Sara's father and almost-kills Maria's father as well. They assume the Robin Hood lifestyle--but in a hot Latina sort of way--and proceed to knock off banks for the greater good.
The odds against them:
1. Jackson and his army of enforcers.
The metaphorical aces up their metaphorical sleeves:
1. Maria has the coolest horse since Thirty/Thirty.
2. The unstoppable power of breasts.
Many a fine Western tradition is upheld here. We are reminded that no one in the old west ever did anything that wasn't motivated by revenge ("We're out of eggs. . .Looks like the grocer and I have a score to settle."), and that villains and railroad expansion go together like. . .well. . .themselves. They go together so well, they are their own metaphor. And now I'm going to make a concerted effort to say "(a) and (b) go together like villains and railroad expansion!" in conversation sometime.
What bugs me, though, is that no one ever blames the stupid farmers and ranchers for putting their spreads in what is obviously prime railroad territory. But I digress.
No, actually, I don't digress, because I don't have a main point to get back to. Isn't that a requirement? I've never really thought about it before now. Hmm. I should probably try to re-orient by using a sentence with the movie's title in it.
One might be tempted to assume that Bandidas is either a juvenile peep show or an irritating ball-bust-o-rama, but one would be so wrong on both counts, that one would have to be banished to the Labyrinth of Unceasing Nipple-Twists.
Granted, there is some fanservice here and there (does that term even mean anything outside of anime circles?). For instance, there's a brief segment where a professional bank robber is training Sara and Maria by having them, for whatever reason, do push-ups in a shallow stream, and Maria is wearing a baggy tunic, and. . .booby.
At another point, Sara and Maria get into a bona fide squealy catfight, but it's incredibly obvious that the movie is deliberately poking fun at itself. That fact will, in my opinion, make it tolerable for those who might otherwise find it offensive.
Actually, it's their incessant bickering that makes the characters fun. That, and their unfathomable scorching hotness.
Special mention goes to Dwight Yoakam for giving his skeevy villain that certain special stringy-haired charm. He's very much like Gary Oldman's Zorg in The Fifth Element, or whatsisface who played the bad guy in Waterworld. The sort of villain who speaks in a manner that is at once both hickish and overly articulate; who conveys his displeasure with an incompetent lackey in crisp and level-headed tones, before casually gunning down said lackey for his failure.
Another special mention and a sprig of disappointment goes to Bill Buck (Sam Shepard), the professional bank robber who shows the girls the ropes. He drops into the movie largely unannounced, shows that he has some sand in his pants--or whatever the appropriate western term for toughness would be--by running off a group of Jackson's enforcers, drops some of the best one-liners in the movie, shoots Maria's hat off her head as part of an object lesson, and leaves.
He was a cool character, and more needed to be done with him. Plus, he carries the most absurdly long six-shooter in existence. Seriously, it makes Dirty Harry's magnum look like a squirt gun.
In conclusion, Bandidas seems at first glance like its going to either be dorky or insulting, and it certainly is the former at times--comedy is given priority over action--but it ends up standing on its own as a legitimate western, and well worth at least a rent, or a sight-unseen eBay purchase.
It's easily the best female-lead western I've seen (I'm excluding The Quick and the Dead for my own reasons), which isn't that tough, considering that Bad Girls--a movie which I consider to be the second-worst western across all sub-genres (with The Long Ride Home taking first)--is its only competition.
Incidentally, feel free to watch either of the two aforementioned if you feel like seeing how bad it can get. Then watch Bandidas to cleanse your soul.
Ah, where to begin? The beginning, I suppose.
Some time ago, my boss, Five (real name withheld), who is the grand high priest of a Salma Hayek-worshipping cult, came into possession of a copy of Bandidas by way of the magic of eBay.
Sporting fellow that he is, he let me borrow it after about fifteen or so repeated viewings, and now I'm reviewing it for you. Okay! Backstory done!
Before I get to anything involving the actual movie, it bears mentioning that the DVD itself is a bit of an odd old duck. As far as Five or I can tell, it isn't a bootleg--if it is, it's the most professional bootleg either of us have ever seen--but it doesn't seem entirely normal either.
It's distributed by a company I've never heard of, features some weird language options, a rather. . .peculiar preview, and it seems to randomly choose which players it wants to work on.
Also, at the time of purchase, Five couldn't find any information about it on the net (apparently, Salma Hayek being in it was information enough). I suspect it's some sort of pre-release prototype from the Ukraine that was never meant to be sold to individual consumers. Sweet!
Now that that's over, it's time for--you guessed it--the plot synopsis. I don't know why I find plot synopses to be such a chore, but I do know that I wish there was some way I could beam it directly into your head so I can get on to the poop jokes.
Anyway, there's an evil guy wanting to build a railroad, and Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz aren't him. Done.
What? Okay, fine. I'll do a for real one.
Aristocrat Sara Sandoval (Hayek) and farm girl Maria Alvarez (Cruz) are forced into a classic contrasting buddy-cop relationship with each other when Capital Bank "representative" Tyler Jackson (Dwight Yoakam) kills Sara's father and almost-kills Maria's father as well. They assume the Robin Hood lifestyle--but in a hot Latina sort of way--and proceed to knock off banks for the greater good.
The odds against them:
1. Jackson and his army of enforcers.
The metaphorical aces up their metaphorical sleeves:
1. Maria has the coolest horse since Thirty/Thirty.
2. The unstoppable power of breasts.
Many a fine Western tradition is upheld here. We are reminded that no one in the old west ever did anything that wasn't motivated by revenge ("We're out of eggs. . .Looks like the grocer and I have a score to settle."), and that villains and railroad expansion go together like. . .well. . .themselves. They go together so well, they are their own metaphor. And now I'm going to make a concerted effort to say "(a) and (b) go together like villains and railroad expansion!" in conversation sometime.
What bugs me, though, is that no one ever blames the stupid farmers and ranchers for putting their spreads in what is obviously prime railroad territory. But I digress.
No, actually, I don't digress, because I don't have a main point to get back to. Isn't that a requirement? I've never really thought about it before now. Hmm. I should probably try to re-orient by using a sentence with the movie's title in it.
One might be tempted to assume that Bandidas is either a juvenile peep show or an irritating ball-bust-o-rama, but one would be so wrong on both counts, that one would have to be banished to the Labyrinth of Unceasing Nipple-Twists.
Granted, there is some fanservice here and there (does that term even mean anything outside of anime circles?). For instance, there's a brief segment where a professional bank robber is training Sara and Maria by having them, for whatever reason, do push-ups in a shallow stream, and Maria is wearing a baggy tunic, and. . .booby.
At another point, Sara and Maria get into a bona fide squealy catfight, but it's incredibly obvious that the movie is deliberately poking fun at itself. That fact will, in my opinion, make it tolerable for those who might otherwise find it offensive.
Actually, it's their incessant bickering that makes the characters fun. That, and their unfathomable scorching hotness.
Special mention goes to Dwight Yoakam for giving his skeevy villain that certain special stringy-haired charm. He's very much like Gary Oldman's Zorg in The Fifth Element, or whatsisface who played the bad guy in Waterworld. The sort of villain who speaks in a manner that is at once both hickish and overly articulate; who conveys his displeasure with an incompetent lackey in crisp and level-headed tones, before casually gunning down said lackey for his failure.
Another special mention and a sprig of disappointment goes to Bill Buck (Sam Shepard), the professional bank robber who shows the girls the ropes. He drops into the movie largely unannounced, shows that he has some sand in his pants--or whatever the appropriate western term for toughness would be--by running off a group of Jackson's enforcers, drops some of the best one-liners in the movie, shoots Maria's hat off her head as part of an object lesson, and leaves.
He was a cool character, and more needed to be done with him. Plus, he carries the most absurdly long six-shooter in existence. Seriously, it makes Dirty Harry's magnum look like a squirt gun.
In conclusion, Bandidas seems at first glance like its going to either be dorky or insulting, and it certainly is the former at times--comedy is given priority over action--but it ends up standing on its own as a legitimate western, and well worth at least a rent, or a sight-unseen eBay purchase.
It's easily the best female-lead western I've seen (I'm excluding The Quick and the Dead for my own reasons), which isn't that tough, considering that Bad Girls--a movie which I consider to be the second-worst western across all sub-genres (with The Long Ride Home taking first)--is its only competition.
Incidentally, feel free to watch either of the two aforementioned if you feel like seeing how bad it can get. Then watch Bandidas to cleanse your soul.
