Commercials

[Hucklebubba]

Time for me to talk about commercials worthy of commendation, or which bug me in some way. Usually the latter.


New Pregnancy Test Device

Didn't catch the brand name. The ending tagline is, and I quote, "The most advanced piece of technology you will ever pee on." Which, granted, is one of the funniest lines I've ever heard. The problem lies in the fact that the producers of the commercial felt they could best drive the point home by actually showing a urine stream splashing on the thing. In scintillating slow-motion.

This strikes me as a little gross. Just sort of unnecessary, I think. Actually, I can't say for a fact that it was urine; it may have just been someone pouring non-urine fluid on a pregnancy test thingy for no reason. Who among us hasn't wanted to do that at one time or another?


Clorox Product

Again, I don't recall exactly what product this commercial advertised. A hand sanitizer, I think. Anyway, it features little kids whispering to each other the gross little kid things they do (i.e. eating food off the floor). One such kid says, and I quote again, "I play with my poops in the toilet."

Wait, what?

Okay, I understand that small children perform a number of hygienically-deplorable feats--eating boogers, kissing dogs, etc.--which are justified by their small child-ness. But I was a small child myself not more than 800 years ago, and I have no recollection of ever even wanting to stage naval melees with my dookie.

Is this a common phenomenon? A natural part of the development process? Am I an incomplete person for never having played Battleturd?


KY Warming Jelly

I think I've finally figured out what it is about commercials of this ilk that bother me. It isn't prudishness so much. I'm not saying, "'Tain't proper to talk about personal lubricants! In my day, we didn't have time for such nonsense! We were too busy whiddling things out of sticks and yelling at kids to get off our property!"

It's more that watching these commercials makes me feel like I've been kidnapped by an unreasonably attractive couple, and am being forced to take part in their sex life. Not directly; it's more like they've tied me to a chair in the living room, and they're down the hall, boning loud enough for me to hear everything, and providing a detailed play-by-play via walkie-talkie. Creepy.

So now you'll know what's up when this commercial comes on and I suddenly yell out, "What do you people want from me?!"


Milk

The Premise: Drinking milk helps you lose weight.

The Rub: Didn't the FDA determine that this statement was a big pile of a dairy cow's other product? Didn't the milk people respond by saying, "Yeah, sometimes we just like to make ridiculous, unfounded claims backed up by absolutely no compelling data."

My understanding is that, at best, milk will not impede weight loss, and even then it has to be skim. Which is only sought out by people who want something that's like water, but with an eerie blue tinge, and added tastelessness. And no, I don't know how you can have an additional absence of something, but the makers of skim milk do.


Nature Valley Cereal

My problem with this commercial is the same problem I have with every cereal commercial; they don't use enough milk.

I don't know about you, but I just can't say, "Mmmm! Nothing like an almost totally dry bowl of cereal! I certainly look forward to the 1/16th of an inch of milk at the bottom!" with any real enthusiasm. I say drain that jug like there's no tomorrow! And make sure it's the fattening kind!

An added degree of significance is. . .added, when you consider that this cereal is basically made of crumbled up Nature Valley granola bars; the driest food on the planet. I once saw a guy who was already mildly dehydrated bite into a Nature Valley granola bar, whereupon he instantly disintegrated into a pile of sand.

Heed well my words. Don't let yourself become a statistic.


Pajamagram

This is a Valentine's Day thing, which means I'm a little behind, but most of the women in this commercial have little behinds, ergo I'm in good company.

I must either not understand the economy of love (in the hopes that said lack of understanding will make me seem adorable), understand it perfectly and am very disappointed thereof, or I'm just a cynical bastard who has to find the bad in everything.

Whatever the case, it seems to me that giving your lovely lady a pajamagram is essentially you saying, "My Valentine's present to you is for you to have sex with me."

As previously alluded to, I'm probably missing the point. I'm sure the reason a dude buys sexy PJs for his chick is because he wants her to have nice things, and not because he expects her to be removing them more or less immediately.


Pajamagram-esque Thing, But With a Teddy Bear

A fundamentally similar premise to that of the Pajamagram, except that in this case, you're sending her a themed teddy bear, along with a card that says heartwarming things like, "I bought you this teddy bear, so I'd better get some tonight."

Another problem that I have with this--that I also have with the Pajamagram, but just decided not to mention until now--is that it's another gift where you pony up the cash, and let someone else do all the work. It's all just point, click, look like you care.

If you want to get your fiancee a teddy bear, fine, but maybe get off your duff at some point. If you're going to get her a teddy bear, it should be the rarest of all teddy bears, which can only be found guarded by an unkillable bone dragon in the heart of Mt. Threatening.

That, to me, is true love.

[StarOpal]

Hucklebubba, it's like we are on the same wavelength.

The first time I saw the Clorox I one, I swear, somewhere in the distance I heard a record scratch. "The-Wha-Huh?!" Where are the parents?

Every time I see the pregnency test one I think, 'I bet I could find something more advanced to pee on.' But maybe that's just me.

[sarahbot]

hucklebubba said:

I have no recollection of ever even wanting to stage naval melees with my dookie.

I admire your turn of phrase.

staropal said:

Every time I see the pregnency test one I think, 'I bet I could find something more advanced to pee on.' But maybe that's just me.

Exactly. It's like they're challenging me.

On a different note, every time I see an ad for a prescription medicine on TV, I think of Quietus from Children of Men. Because the filmmakers nailed it.

[sirgallahad2]

I would rather piss on a Rolls-Royce. That'll teach people to by needlessly expensive cars that crumple up just like a Honda civic when you crash into a touring clown circus and a bus full of nuns at 88 Miles per hour! Blast you RICH PEOPLE!!!! Blast you to the 7th sub-basement of HADES!!!!!!

[Hucklebubba]

StarOpal: Ditto on the pregnancy test commercial. I thought it was presumptuous of them to act like they knew me or what I pee on.

Sarahbot: Thanky kindly. I make no secret of being proud of my word skill when excrement is involved, and it's always nice to get some positive reinforcement.

Sirgallahad2: And thank you, Gallahad, for acting as an anchor or rock or some other metaphorical object evocative of security on the stormy seas of life. There are precious few absolutes in this crazy world of ours, but I know I can always count on you for a brief, bitter yet deligthfully animated rant that bears minimal relevance to the subject at hand.

[sirgallahad2]

We're all a little crazy, it's all just a matter of how far you run with it. I prefer to sprint with it.

[Head Mutant]

Man, we just love you Huckle.

I don't watch commercials any more -- only watching TV series on DVD limits that somewhat -- but I think commercials more or less have been insane since the beginning of time (1953). Thanks for your article, great read!

[Head Mutant]

Here's that pee commercial, btw:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=DqX7VxW3wL0

[Spiderdancer]

I love to watch commercials for the same reason I love to watch bad movies. Sadly, far too many involve celebrities or public service announcements now, brushing aside the Insane Retail People that make them truly great. Thanks, HuckleBubba.

Oh, and by the way...

Lunesta. Maybe I'm the only one who finds this funny, but I would NOT find having a radioactive moth in my room conducive to restful slumber. Maybe they're implying that the product makes you hallucinate.

And you've hit the nail on the head with the pajamagrams.

Woman: I hope I get a dozen roses and a beautiful note saying how much he loves me! Perhaps we can have a candlelit dinner!
Man: Here is some lingerie or obviously expensive jewelry! Give me sex!

[StarOpal]

My current commercial of choice is a Febreeze commercial. The mother picks up a sports uniform and it stinks. So does she wash it? Why of course not! She sprays it with Febreeze and puts it into the kid's closet.

EW!

Wash your dang clothes, people!

[pfrsue]

staropal said:

My current commercial of choice is a Febreeze commercial. The mother picks up a sports uniform and it stinks. So does she wash it? Why of course not! She sprays it with Febreeze and puts it into the kid's closet.

EW!

Better off if she just spritzed down the kid with it. Hmmm. Febreeze for Kidz. Mom's would never have to do laundry again!

Once my offspring hit puberty and started noticing commercials for things like feminine hygiene and male enhancement, they've developed nervous twitches, speech impediments and occasional blindness. I'm thinking of starting a class action suit against "Bob".

[eatmyshorts]

i heard a really weird radio commercial where this girl with a hilarious but serious voice all of sudden says "anal leakage, chronic diahrea" and the list goes on and at the end she says "you usually don't hear these words on the radio...." well no duh, lady!

[TheLuckyOne]

hucklebubba said:

Whatever the case, it seems to me that giving your lovely lady a pajamagram is essentially you saying, "My Valentine's present to you is for you to have sex with me."

I'm confused. You're implying that's NOT an appropriate Valentine's gift for one's lady?


....Maybe you're not doing it right.

-D

[Hucklebubba]

eatmyshorts said:

anal leakage, chronic diahrea

Both fine band names.


Here come a couple more commercials!


Various Dangerous Medicines

We've all seen these many times by now, and I'm pretty sure I've lampooned a couple in the past. These are the medications that promise perfect skin and/or a baby-free sex life, with the only tradeoff being a laundry list of side effects, including vestigial breast growth, bubonic plague, and rips in the space/time continuum. Included in this group are anti-depressants that forestall depression by causing their users to commit suicide.

I've long since accepted the apparent fact that vastectomies and liver spots are infinitely more horrifying to some people than the prospect of having all of their internal organs catch fire, but a particular warning attached to many of these meds continues to puzzle me: "Not recommended for people with heart failure."

Perhaps my hypochondriatically-honed mastery of medical terminology is not what I thought it was, but I've always been under the assumption that heart failure isn't something you can "have" in the same sense as, say, arthritis. Like, it isn't something that stays with you. Or rather, it is, but it shortly gets reclassified as "being dead." Heh. "If you've previously been diagnosed with death, consult with your doctor first."

It seems to me that someone suffering from heart failure would have no regard for their complexion--or anything else, for that matter--and that the associated warning makes as much sense as saying, "You shouldn't take Dolframexaline if you are presently falling into a volcano."


Toyota Tundra

The commercial, she goes-a something like-a this:

We see the Toyota Tundra being put through its paces on a needlessly-hazardous test track (more on that in a moment) as a Sam Elliot wannabe narrates: "Being fastest from 0 to 60 is good. Truckers say, fastest from 40 to 70; even better. But neither one can compare to sittin' down with your family and enjoying a thick, juicy porterhouse."

No, wait, the last part is supposed to be something about brakes.

So anyway, the truck takes off from a dead stop, accelerating as fast as its uber-manly powerplant will warrant, and narrowly makes it through a closing gate in "escaping from the self-destructing bad guy HQ" fashion. This gate serves absolutely no purpose, other than to create drama. Apparently, it exists as an answer to the fact that the engineers ultimately decided not to install articulated arms on the Tundra for the sake of showing off its dual-fisted slow-mo gunplay skills.

Immediately after the gate, there is a brief stretch of track, which terminates in a canyon. It seems that radar guns, stopwatches, and measuring tape are no longer good enough, and test tracks are now required by federal law to place vehicle and driver in needless danger.

The best part of the whole thing is that--barring the possible implication that it started slowing as soon as it cleared the gate--the Tundra appears to go from 70 to nothing in literally ten feet.

Despite having watched the commercial on TV and Youtube several times now, I still couldn't tell you exactly what the Tundra's associated slogan is. "The truck that's changing. . ." something. "The way you do laundry," I think.

It just didn't stick with me. But if they'd take a cue from the end of the "actual demonstration" (of camera tricks), and change it to "Tundra--The only truck that can stop fast enough to kill its driver." that I think I could remember.

And there's even another version where the truck stops in a shorter distance, on an incline, towing a 10,000 lb load. "Tundra--Nothing says Built Like a Ford Tough Rock like having four-and-a-half metric tons of ambiguous crated goods fly through your rear window, decapitating you cleanly."

And, as always, there's the "Professional driver. Closed course. Do not attempt." warning. Personally, I think that if someone is dumb enough to attempt to duplicate either of these feats, and they have the resources to do so, we should just let natural selection take its course.

[Head Mutant]

pfrsue said:

Better off if she just spritzed down the kid with it.

Spritzed is a great word. Thanks!

I do beg to differ about the pajamagram and teddygram or whatever. First of all, what's wrong with a little romantic bribery coupled with genuine romantic affection? Second, it's somewhat creative, and there is thought behind it. Sure, not every girl will swoon at getting new pj's or a new teddy bear, but I've known quite a few who would find this sort of gift absolutely adorable -- even knowing the "suspicious" intent of the giver.

I think of it this way -- if the gift was reversed, from her to me, I wouldn't get upset if she made a gesture that effectively said, "I love you, I wanted to get you a little present, and I really want you in the sack later tonight". I think that would make my day.