Post by Hucklebubba on Jul 12, 2004 11:41:26 GMT -5
...as evidenced by the following rating set I made. One of many along the path of my meteoric rise to obscurity.
Krazy Glue
A perfect example of something that's too effective for its own good.
Everyone (And by "everyone" I mean "at least me.") is familiar with the imagery of the construction worker stuck to an I-beam by his hard hat as a demonstration of the power of Krazy Glue. Add to that the deliberate mispelling of "Crazy" as further proof of the glue's psychosis, and you've got one compelling package.
Here's my problem: I don't want something that adheres that well. And I don't need to glue anything badly enough to warrant possible involvement in some sort of implausible humorous mishap that ends with me accidentally sealing my butt-crack shut forever.
Brownie Chocolate
When I first came across this Yoo-Hoo wannabe, I misread the can as saying "Brown Chocolate." This actually made perfect sense to me, as budget items have a certain propensity for describing exactly what they are in a boring way. (As an example, compare "Frosted Flakes" to the off-brand "Sugared Uneven Wafer-Like Corn Objects.")
But no. It's actually called "Brownie Chocolate," which makes its own sort of sense, as I've been known to comment on occasion that Yoo-Hoo is essentially a liquid brownie. And yes, that does sound extremely vulgar.
Speaking of Yoo-Hoo: I called Brownie Chocolate a Yoo-Hoo wannabe earlier, but that isn't strictly accurate. Brownie Chocolate is, in fact, precisely Yoo-Hoo at the molecular level. Exactly the same thing. Don't argue with me on this. If there's one thing I'm an expert on, it's watery chocolate drinks.
Millenium Robot
This item is supposedly made cooler by the word "Millenium," for reasons I just can't comprehend. Really, as a word, "Millenium" is a tad bit overrated, and its flash-in-the-pan overpopularity from a few years back certainly doesn't help its credibility any. Furthermore, I don't buy the whole notion that it automatically adds coolness to things it describes. We all know that the Millenium Falcon would've been just as cool, if not moreso, had Han Solo named it "Frank" instead.
Okay, perhaps not. Anyhoo, back to the toy: As its name might imply, it's a robot, which stands about yea tall, has a gun, and says electronic things. Its first two phrases are "Drop your weapon." and "Zorp Zorp." (Laser noise.) From this, I deduce that its third phrase must be "Ha ha. Sucker."
Railroad Lantern
Best dollar store item....ever!
Not only does it significantly decrease my chances of stepping in the middle of a badger or what have you while I'm out walking the dog at night, but it also burns citronella, which repels all those pesky bugs that weren't actually bothering me that much before. You know, back when I wasn't carrying a light source.
What's more, it makes me creepy! With any luck, I'll singlehandedly start a ghost legend based on myself! Sadly, Family Dollar doesn't carry Do-it-Yourself Headless Kits, (I'm told the Dollar Tree does.) so I'm having to make do with just wailing out "Where's my small intestiiiiine?" at set intervals.
Dollar Store Items
Krazy Glue
A perfect example of something that's too effective for its own good.
Everyone (And by "everyone" I mean "at least me.") is familiar with the imagery of the construction worker stuck to an I-beam by his hard hat as a demonstration of the power of Krazy Glue. Add to that the deliberate mispelling of "Crazy" as further proof of the glue's psychosis, and you've got one compelling package.
Here's my problem: I don't want something that adheres that well. And I don't need to glue anything badly enough to warrant possible involvement in some sort of implausible humorous mishap that ends with me accidentally sealing my butt-crack shut forever.
Brownie Chocolate
When I first came across this Yoo-Hoo wannabe, I misread the can as saying "Brown Chocolate." This actually made perfect sense to me, as budget items have a certain propensity for describing exactly what they are in a boring way. (As an example, compare "Frosted Flakes" to the off-brand "Sugared Uneven Wafer-Like Corn Objects.")
But no. It's actually called "Brownie Chocolate," which makes its own sort of sense, as I've been known to comment on occasion that Yoo-Hoo is essentially a liquid brownie. And yes, that does sound extremely vulgar.
Speaking of Yoo-Hoo: I called Brownie Chocolate a Yoo-Hoo wannabe earlier, but that isn't strictly accurate. Brownie Chocolate is, in fact, precisely Yoo-Hoo at the molecular level. Exactly the same thing. Don't argue with me on this. If there's one thing I'm an expert on, it's watery chocolate drinks.
Millenium Robot
This item is supposedly made cooler by the word "Millenium," for reasons I just can't comprehend. Really, as a word, "Millenium" is a tad bit overrated, and its flash-in-the-pan overpopularity from a few years back certainly doesn't help its credibility any. Furthermore, I don't buy the whole notion that it automatically adds coolness to things it describes. We all know that the Millenium Falcon would've been just as cool, if not moreso, had Han Solo named it "Frank" instead.
Okay, perhaps not. Anyhoo, back to the toy: As its name might imply, it's a robot, which stands about yea tall, has a gun, and says electronic things. Its first two phrases are "Drop your weapon." and "Zorp Zorp." (Laser noise.) From this, I deduce that its third phrase must be "Ha ha. Sucker."
Railroad Lantern
Best dollar store item....ever!
Not only does it significantly decrease my chances of stepping in the middle of a badger or what have you while I'm out walking the dog at night, but it also burns citronella, which repels all those pesky bugs that weren't actually bothering me that much before. You know, back when I wasn't carrying a light source.
What's more, it makes me creepy! With any luck, I'll singlehandedly start a ghost legend based on myself! Sadly, Family Dollar doesn't carry Do-it-Yourself Headless Kits, (I'm told the Dollar Tree does.) so I'm having to make do with just wailing out "Where's my small intestiiiiine?" at set intervals.
