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Post by TheOogieBoogieMan on Oct 31, 2005 16:52:55 GMT -5
Q: What do you call a Native American who went to med school?
A:...a doctor, you racist!
Q: Where did the general keep his armies?
A: In his sleevies!
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Post by Spiderdancer on Oct 31, 2005 17:18:00 GMT -5
Q: How many recreational boaters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They can't. Sharks have chewed off their arms.
-Source: Dave Barry is Not Making This Up
Q: What's the difference between a dentist and a sadist?
A: Sadists have better magazines in their waiting rooms.
-Source: Seinfeld
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Post by StarOpal on Jan 26, 2006 20:53:17 GMT -5
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the aterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died.
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"
She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."
The loyal wife replied "Listen, I'm a good wife, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."
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Post by TheOogieBoogieMan on Jan 26, 2006 23:15:17 GMT -5
I'd love to tell my version of the Aristocrats (I watched the documentary the other day), but obviously, not appropriate, so...
A COMMUNIST JOKE
Q: How many capitalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They'd hire people to screw the lightbulbs in for them, without giving them a medical plan.
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Post by Al on Jan 27, 2006 9:57:26 GMT -5
I'd love to tell my version of the Aristocrats (I watched the documentary the other day), but obviously, not appropriate, so... That's probably for the best. Every one of my friends who has seen that documentary suddenly thinks they can do "The Aristocrats" as good as, if not better than, the versions in the movie. Simply put: they can't. If there's one point that film drilled home (at least to me), it's that just being able to spout dirty words or offensive turns of phrase doesn't make the joke work. It's the singer, not the song. No offense to you, of course, we've both been posting here long enough for me to know you're a funny guy. It's just something that's been grating against me since "The Aristocrats" was out in theaters and has been dampening my enjoyment of it ever since. In other news: I like the communist joke. Al |
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DARTHMADLER
Boomstick Coordinator
WARNING: Low Overhang
Posts: 215
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Post by DARTHMADLER on Jan 27, 2006 14:56:59 GMT -5
Two psychoanalysts are pass each other on the sidewalk. One says to the other: "You're fine. How am I?"
From a Batman graphic novel:
"Two inmates from the insane asylum break out one night. It being dark and all they nab a couple of flashlights to see where they are going. The Guards find their trail and start chasing them into the city and the inmates are forced to start jumping from rooftop to rooftop to avoid the patrols. Finally they get to one gap and the first inmate makes it across but the second one hesitates. He calls across to the first one that he doesn't think he can jump that far. The first one thinks about it and then says he'll shine his flashlight across the gap and the second inmate can walk across the beam. The second replies: "What do you think I am, crazy? Knowing you, you'd turn off the flashlight while I was halfway across!"
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Post by TheLuckyOne on Jan 27, 2006 15:21:40 GMT -5
Two inmates from the insane asylum break out one night. It being dark and all they nab a couple of flashlights to see where they are going. The Guards find their trail and start chasing them into the city and the inmates are forced to start jumping from rooftop to rooftop to avoid the patrols. Finally they get to one gap and the first inmate makes it across but the second one hesitates. He calls across to the first one that he doesn't think he can jump that far. The first one thinks about it and then says he'll shine his flashlight across the gap and the second inmate can walk across the beam. The second replies: "What do you think I am, crazy? Knowing you, you'd turn off the flashlight while I was halfway across!" Heh... yeah, The Killing Joke was good. Dark, but good. That's another one where I think the joke itself is pretty good, but is just so much more resonant in the context of the story itself, with the Joker and Batman coming the closest they probably ever will to seeing things from the others' perspective. (No offense Madler, you told it well; I just wish you had, y'know, chalk-white skin and green hair. You know how it is.)  -D |
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Post by TheOogieBoogieMan on Jan 27, 2006 16:21:48 GMT -5
Two inmates from the insane asylum break out one night. It being dark and all they nab a couple of flashlights to see where they are going. The Guards find their trail and start chasing them into the city and the inmates are forced to start jumping from rooftop to rooftop to avoid the patrols. Finally they get to one gap and the first inmate makes it across but the second one hesitates. He calls across to the first one that he doesn't think he can jump that far. The first one thinks about it and then says he'll shine his flashlight across the gap and the second inmate can walk across the beam. The second replies: "What do you think I am, crazy? Knowing you, you'd turn off the flashlight while I was halfway across!" Heh... yeah, The Killing Joke was good. Dark, but good. That's another one where I think the joke itself is pretty good, but is just so much more resonant in the context of the story itself, with the Joker and Batman coming the closest they probably ever will to seeing things from the others' perspective. (No offense Madler, you told it well; I just wish you had, y'know, chalk-white skin and green hair. You know how it is.) -D That comes from The Killing Joke? Cool...I reserved a copy of it at my library the other day, so I'm waiting for it to be available. That and the Dark Knight Returns, amongst other non-Batman books. I'm looking forward to them. Anyway... A cop pulls a driver over. The driver asks why he was pulled over, and the cop says that the driver ran a stop sign. The driver denies it, but the cop says "You didn't stop, you just slowed down." The driver asks "What's the difference?" The cop then pulls the driver out of the car, throws him to the ground and starts hitting him with his club. After a minute, the cops says, "So...do you want me to slow down or do you want me to stop?" |
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Post by PoolMan on Jan 27, 2006 19:59:13 GMT -5
No offense Madler, you told it well; I just wish you had, y'know, chalk-white skin and green hair. You're implying he doesn't! |
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Post by Spiderdancer on Jan 27, 2006 20:39:03 GMT -5
I have the chalk-white skin! And I can easily arrange the green hair. Of course, given my current hair style it will be gone in a month. I need to find some of that special acid that, instead of burning your skin off, causes it to change color.
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Post by TheOogieBoogieMan on Jan 27, 2006 23:54:43 GMT -5
I used to have green hair...I don't anymore. *recollects*
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Post by Head Mutant on Jan 29, 2006 12:49:34 GMT -5
Caramel contributes some classic courtroom quotes:
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Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
______________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
______________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
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Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
_____________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
______________________________________
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
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Post by Spiderdancer on Jan 29, 2006 20:29:57 GMT -5
Ha ha. I love all the sarcastic responses from doctors. Not that there's ever been much love lost between the two professions, and especially not recently, but still. Hilarious.
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Post by StarOpal on Apr 9, 2006 21:41:04 GMT -5
Okay a blonde joke....
A group of blondes and a group of brunettes decided to go Las Vegas. So they rent a double decker bus for the trip. All the brunettes ride on the bottom half and all the blondes ride on the top half.
The brunettes are partying and having a good time when somebody notices it's strangely quiet in the top of the bus. One them says they'll go see what's going on.
When the brunette gets up there all the blondes are obviously afraid, staring straight forward, and very pale. "What's wrong? You should be enjoying yourselves. We're having a blast!" says the brunette.
Trembling, one of the blondes turns to her and says, "Well, yeah, sure. You guys have a driver!"
*boo! hiss!*
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Post by TheOogieBoogieMan on Apr 17, 2006 22:44:24 GMT -5
Blonde joke!
Q: How did the Blonde break her leg while raking the leaves?
A: She fell out of a tree.
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