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Post by StarOpal on Sept 25, 2006 15:03:03 GMT -5
A pastor moves into a new town and wants to get to know his new parishioners and home better. Deciding that taking his bicycle is a good way to do this he sets off.
While he is out he sees a a little boy sitting on a lawn next to a lawn mower and a sign that says "Mower For Sale".
"Excuse me, son. Is that sign right?"
"Yep. For sale or trade." The boy says.
"Well, I've just moved here and I need a lawn mower. Will you trade it for my bike?" The boy agrees and the pastor walks the lawn mower to his house.
When he pulls the cord it won't start. So he tries again, and again, and again.
About that time the boy comes by on the bike and the pastor calls out to him. "You traded me a broken lawn mower."
"That lawn mower works. You just have to cuss at it to get it to start."
"I'm a pastor! I don't cuss. Why, it's been so long I don't even remember how."
"Trust me, Pastor. You keep trying to start that thing, it'll come back to you."
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Post by TheOogieBoogieMan on Sept 28, 2006 10:01:49 GMT -5
Q: What does a revolutionary pigeon say?
A: COUP! COUP!
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Big T
Ghostbuster
yo
Posts: 323
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Post by Big T on Sept 29, 2006 16:32:54 GMT -5
There is this small community that loves golf, even the pries at the local church loves golf. The pries learns that many guys are skipping out on Sunday worship to go play and so he decides to begin preaching about the evils of missing church just to play golf. This works and soon the golf course is empty for every Sunday morning.
The temptation of an empty golf course is too much for the priest so one Sunday he calls in sick and goes to the golf course. Now God doesn't like this and an angel asks if He is going to punish the priest. God nods and so the angel watches to see what misfortune the priest will face.
At the first hole the priest shoots a hole in one. The angel is confused but God waves off his questions and so the confused angel watches as the priest has the best game in the entire history of golf. Afterwards the angel just has to ask "I thought you were going to punish him, he just had the best game of his life!"
"Think about it" God Replied "who's he going to be able to brag to?"
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Post by StarOpal on Sept 29, 2006 22:58:26 GMT -5
Q: Where do zombies go to play golf?
A: A golf corpse.
*boo* *hiss*
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Post by StarOpal on Sept 30, 2006 14:33:07 GMT -5
Funny Answers from Students on Music Exams
The principal singer of nineteenth-century opera was called pre-Madonna.
It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and shake him in rhythm.
Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines.
Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony.
All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants.
Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco.
A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.
A harp is a nude piano.
The main trouble with a French Horn is that it is too tangled up.
An interval in music is the distance from one piano to the next.
The correct way to find the key to a piece of music is to use a pitchfork.
Agitato is a state of mind when one's finger slips in the middle of playing a piece.
Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you'd better not try to sing.
I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say.
Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.
My favorite composer was Opus. Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.
Henry Purcell was a well-known composer few people have ever heard of.
Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic.
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Post by StarOpal on Oct 3, 2006 14:09:43 GMT -5
What do cats use to make coffee?
A purr-colator.
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varana
Boomstick Coordinator
Posts: 149
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Post by varana on Oct 6, 2006 5:41:40 GMT -5
A man entered a very strict monestary. He was told he would have to observe absolute silence, except for one day a year, when he would be allowed to speak two words to the abbott.
The first year he stood before the abbott and said: "Disgusting food!"
the second year he stood before the abbott and said: "Cold bedroom"
The third year he said: "I quit!"
The abbott looked at him and answered: "Good ridence to you. You've done nothing but bitch and complain since you got here!"
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Post by StarOpal on Nov 7, 2006 20:28:43 GMT -5
One day Count Dracula is walking down the street when suddenly 10 tons of smoked salmon sandwiches, sausage rolls, chicken wings, chipolatas, tomato salad, pizza slices and crisps fall on him from a great height and crush him to the ground.
"Oh no!" he gasps with his dying breath, "It's Buffet the Vampire Slayer!"
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Post by StarOpal on Nov 20, 2006 18:57:36 GMT -5
A woman goes to a local fortune teller to be read.
Candles flickering, incense burning, the fortune teller looks intensely into her crystal ball. Finally, she turns to the woman, "I'm sorry." she says grimly. "Your husband will die a horrible violent death in a year."
The woman looks at her hands and takes a steadying breath, "Tell me... Will I get away with it?"
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Post by TheOogieBoogieMan on Dec 10, 2006 18:25:30 GMT -5
Q: What do you call a mythical sea creature who pretends to be a doctor?
A: A Quack-en!
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Post by StarOpal on Dec 11, 2006 12:02:15 GMT -5
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
A: Elephino
...It's a phonetic joke. Thanks, Muppet Show!
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Post by StarOpal on Jan 7, 2007 22:01:59 GMT -5
What do you get when you cross a Snowman with a Vampire?
Frostbite!
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Post by StarOpal on Jan 28, 2007 21:26:14 GMT -5
Because I'm all about the highbrow humor.....
One little pig walks into a convenience store and buys a Coke. He drinks the whole thing and goes back to the restroom right away.
The second little pig walks into the convenience store and buys two Cokes. He he drinks them, and also goes to the restroom right away.
The third little pig comes in and buys three Cokes, drinks them, and starts to leave. The cashier stops him and asks, "aren't you going to use the restroom?"
The third little pig says, "No, I'm the little pig that goes wee, wee, wee all the way home."
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Post by StarOpal on Jan 30, 2007 8:47:49 GMT -5
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and duct tape over his mouth while he is on fire.
No further studies are expected.
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Post by StarOpal on Feb 5, 2007 8:40:45 GMT -5
Two women in the afterlife:
1st woman: "Hi! My name is Wanda."
2nd woman: "Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?"
1st woman: "I froze to death."
2nd woman: "How horrible!"
1st woman: "It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?"
2nd woman: "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV."
1st woman: "So, what happened?"
2nd woman: "I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died."
1st woman: "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive."
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