The Unhelpful Alphabet

[Al]

I work, among other places, at a call center. We deal with all kinds of people from all over the US, meaning there are lots of different accents, lots of different backgrounds, and lots people who are just plain stupid. As a result, part of my job is repeating back everything we're told phonetically (i.e. "Your name is Jack? That's J like Juliet, A like Apple, C like Cat, K like King?").

I've decided, however, that I'm tired of my normal phonetic alphabet and it's time to create an all-new, completely unhelpful alphabet to torture the customers with. So far I have:


A - Antidisestablishmentarianism
B - Bwana
C - Czar
D - D'oh
E - Eye
F - Filly, Fjord
G - Gnat
H - Heir
I - Ictus
J - Jorge
K - Knight
L - Llama
M - Mnemonic
N - 'Ndrangheta
O - Opossum, Onomatopoeia
P - Phlebotomist, Pterodactyl, Psoriasis
Q - Qatar
R - Rite
S - Szczecinek
T - Tsunami
U - Uruk-Hai
V - Vuelta
W - Write, Whole, Weiss
X - Xenophobia, Xu
Y - Ylang-Ylang
Z - Zed

Obscure words are acceptable, unhelpful words are preferred. Who wants to help?

[StarOpal]

Opossum

[BlackCatWhiteCat]

Yay! Torturing customers is fun!

G- gnat
I- ictus
O- onomatopoeia
Y- ylang ylang

Edit: Darn you, Eunice, for posting before I finished my list! Your O word is better. Good one!

[coccatino]

As someone who frequently has to write down long confirmation and authorization codes from medical insurance companies, thank you, Al! HAHA.
On Friday afternoon I had someone say to me "L as in languish, R as in ridiculous, O as in Oh my God I want to go home, already!"

I suggest
Xu (former currency of Vietnam, pronounced ZOO)
Pterodactyl
Psoriasis
Heir
Whole
Llama (pronounce it in the proper Spanish)

[dex]

Well, you can't really get around Eggplant, Xerxes, Crybaby, Overbite, and Narwhal! Most of them are too helpful, though, I'll give you that.

B - Bwana
D - D'oh
F - Filly
N - 'Ndrangheta
R - Rite
S - Szczecinek
U - Uruk-hai
V - Vuelta (The 'V' pronouced very weakly as a mixture of 'V' and'B'.)
Z - Zed (That's easy. Nobody in the U.S. gets that. For others: "izzard".)

[StarOpal]

Fjord
Weiss (pronounced with a V)

[BlackCatWhiteCat]

Sept 14, 2009 11:55:21 GMT -5 coccatino said:

Heir

Oooh, good "H" word!

[Head Mutant]

I think if anyone needed proof that we're weird, this is it.

[BlackCatWhiteCat]

Sept 15, 2009 8:36:01 GMT -5 Head Mutant said:

I think if anyone needed proof that we're weird, this is it.

Oh you just know I'm going to find a situation where I can use this instead of the military alphabet somewhere on base (Alpha Bravo Charlie Delta, my sweet arse!)

[Al]

Excellent! Feel free to keep 'em coming as they occur to you!

[dex]

If you want people to confuse A and O: otoacoustic (sounds like auto) and autochthony (does not sound like auto).

Look, you will pay us back with tales of nervous breakdowns. right?

[Rett Mikhal]

Interesting idea. I wonder if the US army ever thought of using codes like that to confuse the Japanese and Germans. Surely they might understand English, but would be hard pressed to understand words like that.

As a necessity for my stories I redid the brevity code to remove all Earth-dependent words (Juliet, Yankee, Whiskey, India). Finding words that sound effective, are short, and not in common enough usage to lead to confusion is more difficult than it seems.

[dex]

Oct 13, 2009 18:15:41 GMT -5 Rett Mikhal said:

Interesting idea. I wonder if the US army ever thought of using codes like that to confuse the Japanese and Germans. Surely they might understand English, but would be hard pressed to understand words like that.

This and Bad Sequels Week inspire me.

Teentalkers: "What's the sitch?" - "Sir, request permission to make like a tree, sir." - "That's, like, totally rad, Ell Tee."

Geektalkers: "You will execute the Corbomite Maneuver at Stardate 9826.1605." - "Vat are zay saying, Fritz?" - "Er... Corbo... Carbo... maybe zey are having lunch, Herr Oberst?"

As a necessity for my stories I redid the brevity code to remove all Earth-dependent words (Juliet, Yankee, Whiskey, India).

What a bleak distopia you must write about, where Whiskey is limited to Earth.

[Rett Mikhal]

You never cease to amaze me with your wit, Dex.

You're probably right, whiskey does exist besides Earth. I personally detest drinking and alcohol, but that doesn't mean the characters don't drink; sometimes it is a necessity to show them consuming liquor to prove they are in fact human and flawed.

However, the idea of using alcohol in military brevity seems childish and absurd, just as Romeo and Juliet (is this BARBIE'S ARMY?!) seem sorely out of place.

Also, if whiskey does exist in other places than Earth, it means it was invented some other place and brought to Earth. In my stories, all useful or influential inventions, including mathematics or theories, are all made by off-worlders because Earthlings are physically and mentally incapable of making anything productive for the rest of the universe.

I think that's slightly more depressing than a lack of booze... but it makes more sense to me.

[dex]

(is this BARBIE'S ARMY?!) – No, you're thinking Air Force.

You're right, it's silly. (You could almost write mini-stories with the words from the NATO alphabet.) I see how it would clash with your serious universe.