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Post by pfrsue on Dec 19, 2004 16:14:50 GMT -5
So last Thursday, I'm driving the descendents home from school and eldest one grumps, "I had a really bad day."
"Why's that?" I ask, idly checking mirrors.
"We had a relay race and I was supposed to pass on the baton to [girl's name]."
"Yeah? And?"
"Well she missed it, and I went past her, and instead of turning around to give it to her, I threw it over my shoulder." He sighed. "She didn't catch it. Obviously."
"Tsk." I wince.
"Nearly got her in the head. The teacher wasn't happy with me."
"I hope you apologized. You shouldn't be throwing sticks at people under any circumstances."
"Yeah." Long pause. "Specially her, since she's only got the one arm and all."
Out of such moments, gray hairs sprout.
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Post by Head Mutant on Jan 24, 2005 18:58:46 GMT -5
My "boss", Pastor Steve, has an ongoing fued with me. I guess fued is too strong of a word, but we're always looking for verbal and joke practical superiority in all situations. I got him good the other day.
He called me to let me know he was going to be late to our monthly meeting night at church, and told me to let everyone know he'd be along presently.
This gave me an opportunity.
I went into the meeting and quickly thinking of how to spring a great lie while being unable to keep a smile off my face, I decided to make humor part of the lie.
"Hey, did you guys hear what happened to Steve?" I said, with a half-grin.
"No" "No, what?"
"You didn't hear?" I said, as if hearing this news should've been commonplace by now.
"No!"
"Steve was bitten by a squirrel." I had to improvise a bit to where I was leading up to.
"What?" "Really?" "Where was this?"
"He didn't say, but they couldn't catch the squirrel, so he had to drive over to the hospital to get rabies shots. So he's going to be a few minutes late."
At this point, everyone's buying it... grownups highly amused and also slightly shocked that this has happened to their beloved pastor.
Steve walks into the meeting about ten minutes later, as I'm biting my lip trying to keep from laughing out loud. He then gets hit with questions like:
"So where's the damage?"
"Where'd he bite you?"
"How many shots did you have to get?"
Poor Steve. Quite bewildered. It's gone down as the day I gave him rabies.
-------
Also, today, we were throwing around the idea of getting an electronic sign out in front of the church to post sermon titles and upcoming church events.
"That'd be so cool," I said. "You just know I'd hack into it and the next week would be a message saying, 'This Sunday: See a man of the cloth go The Full Monty!' I bet we'd get a lot of new people for that."
The idea was nixed.
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Post by TheLuckyOne on Jan 31, 2005 10:05:47 GMT -5
If you ever want to stay humble about what you do, tell your friends about it. A college buddy of mine is moving into the area, so I put him up in my place last night before he starts his hotel stay/apartment hunt today. We're having a great time, playing old-school Smash Brothers and drinking (because I didn't get enough at Lissa's... yeesh), until it happens to come up in conversation that I'm writing movie reviews online now. At which point he turns, stares at me incredulously for maybe two seconds, and then busts out with, "Who the [very emphatic expletive deleted] wants to know what YOU think?!" And he wonders why I don't tell him in the first place...  -D |
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Post by Head Mutant on Jan 31, 2005 11:19:57 GMT -5
Hahahahaha... Funny but true.
MRFH: Liquor fuels our garbled reviews.
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Post by Lissa on Jan 31, 2005 17:18:08 GMT -5
::blush:: I'm very afraid of what Drew is going to have to say when we write up our report of Geekfest....
Gads, what a hangover.
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Post by PoolMan on Feb 1, 2005 11:52:14 GMT -5
I just pray you guys took pictures. Numerous, incriminating pictures.
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Post by Ms. Jellybean on Feb 1, 2005 19:00:00 GMT -5
Back to the funny thing...
Yet another funny scene with the always gender-confused Julian and Braxton...
I was at Braxton's 17th birthday party last Saturday, and his girlfriend Jazzmone brought along her karaoke machine. I did a splendid rendition of "Lady Marmalade," since I'm the whitest girl to ever memorize and execute Li'l Kim's rap part perfectly. Then Braxton picked up the mic and let it go with "It's My Life" by No Doubt. He sounded like... like... Gwen Stefani. Julian applauded, called Braxton his sexy sparkles, and proceeded to dance with everyone to Eminem's "Just Lose It."
Another one of those where you just have to be there to get it.
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Post by Head Mutant on Apr 5, 2005 15:26:18 GMT -5
Friend, on his wife's pregnancy:
"Being pregnant is like having an extreme disease for nine months."
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Post by PoolMan on Apr 6, 2005 12:37:12 GMT -5
My boss had to leave early yesterday because his son threw a rock at a car at school. This of course lead to a discussion of all the "throwing things" stories we all had as kids. Rocks, snowballs, all those good things.
Finally, the boss admits he used to throw apples at passing cars. I was pretty shocked, and told him apples are pretty much like rocks when the car's at speed.
Boss: No, no... they built cars like tanks back in those days.
Me: Ah yes. (50's announcer voice) Longing for days of the apple-proof cars of yesteryear.
The bright red shade he turned was worth it.
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Post by pfrsue on Apr 6, 2005 14:26:17 GMT -5
Me to the Hounds as I pooper-scooped the yard as part of the spring cleaning process.
"Obviously this was the winter of your incontinence."
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Post by Head Mutant on Apr 7, 2005 6:49:05 GMT -5
There's a certain sadness when only your dogs can hear your witty remarks.
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Post by pfrsue on Apr 7, 2005 15:46:46 GMT -5
There's a certain sadness when only your dogs can hear your witty remarks. Why do you think I posted it here? I'm a lonely bitter old woman, yes I am. |
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Post by pfrsue on Apr 7, 2005 20:39:28 GMT -5
Okay, I couldn't let this one go by. From an essay my son wrote for school, and that I very luckily intercepted.
"...Now since William [last name deleted] was in the army in 1847, he had to go fight in the Mexican American War. At the same time America was involved in the Vietnam War so I'm sure we were having a lot of problems seeing as we were in two wars..."
*sigh*
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Post by PoolMan on Apr 7, 2005 23:05:43 GMT -5
"That'd be so cool," I said. "You just know I'd hack into it and the next week would be a message saying, 'This Sunday: See a man of the cloth go The Full Monty!' I bet we'd get a lot of new people for that." That reminds me. I've been meaning to do this:  Or...  |
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Post by TheOogieBoogieMan on Apr 26, 2005 16:57:41 GMT -5
Ok this happened a week ago, I think...
My sister and I go to a fast food restaurant (I forget which one, my memory sucks) to get some food. We go through the drive-thru, we order our meals, and one of the things we ordered was a Diet Coke. This is the response we get:
"Uh, we're all out of Diet Coke. Would you like some lemonade?"
That weird association between drinks gave us a bit of a laugh. But really, I don't blame the guy working the drive-thru for suggesting lemonade as a substitute. After all, it would be crazy to suggest an unrelated beverage like, say, REGULAR COKE.
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