Post by TheOogieBoogieMan on Feb 15, 2008 22:10:52 GMT -5
Alright, so for my latest contribution to the MRFH forum, I'm going to don an imaginary mortarboard and play teacher at the School of Rock. Now sit down and pay attention! Don't make me report you to Headmaster Black!
Today's class is Alice Cooper 101.
I love Alice Cooper. I've been listening to his pioneering shock rock stylings since I was a strapping young lad (I lost my "strapping" status around the same time that I started high school), and I own more albums by him than by anyone else. I was lucky enough to see him live a few years ago, and I can say without a doubt that it was the best concert I've attended so far. The good thing about being in the mosh pit at an Alice Cooper concert is that most of the crowd is too old and tired to actually jump around or exert any energy beyond drinking their beer, which was alright with me. He's been consistently making music for the last thirty-five years, and on top of that, the Coop currently hosts a syndicated late-night radio show that's downright entertaining, and I don't even like listening to the radio.
Oh, and he was in Wayne's World, as well. Apparently Alice Cooper is getting sick of people bowing before him exclaiming how they aren't worthy. Keep that in mind if you pass him on the street.
So, you can imagine my excitement when I found out that there was a movie out there that didn't just feature Alice Cooper in some humourous cameo, but actually had him in a starring role. And in a monster movie, no less! But alas, that excitement was all but extinguished when I found out the year the movie was made.
You see, Monster Dog was made in the early 80s', and while that was a bad enough time in its own right, it was a particularly bad time for the Coop. By that time, Alice Cooper's career was at an all-time low, and the once terrifying shock-rocker was lost at sea amidst awkward attempts at riding the New Wave trend and a bad case of alcoholism ("Is it bad?" "As opposed to good?"). Suddenly, I began to question my decision to rent this Monster Dog film. I was worried that by watching the movie, I would see my favourite musician at his absolute worst, stumbling about in a pitiful stupor as he garbles horrible dialogue and hopes that the paycheck he receives will get him by. I was sure that the movie would make me feel that same way that I'm sure millions of athletic kids felt as they saw the likes of Jose Canseco and Roger Clemens get shot down over accusations of steroid use, or the way that hundreds of diehard Baywatch fans felt as they watched the Hoff drunkenly fumble a hamburger on Youtube.
Much to my surprise, that's not what ended up happening. Sure, Monster Dog was as bad as I expected it to be, but I was relieved to find that Alice Cooper's mediocre acting (he seemed to be sober through it all, thankfully) is the least of the movie's problems.
But first, I'll summarize. The Coop plays a rock star named Vincent Raven (Vincent happens to be Alice Cooper's real first name. Coincidence? Eh, probably not), who returns home with his entourage to shoot a music video. Apparently Vincent grew up in a town so small that calling it a "town" is being generous. I don't think this place could even qualify as a "village." All we get to see of Vincent's hometown is his house, about ten other people who don't seem to have homes of their own, and trees. Lots and lots of trees. Anyway, upon returning home, Vincent finds out that his sub-village-area is on the wrong end of a nasty murder spree. What is the cause of these murders, you ask? Well, if the movie's title doesn't give it away, let's just say that the murderers are of the canine persuasion.
The first thing that grabbed my attention was that the crew behind Monster Dog were trying their absolute best to stretch out the little flick's running time. The movie clocks in at just under an hour and a half, and I'd say almost a third of that is redundant footage (then again, it could be argued that the entire movie is redundant footage, but bear with me).
Now, I thought I had already heard the worst song Alice Cooper had ever produced before watching Monster Dog ("I'm Always Chasing Rainbows"...avoid it like the plague), but the movie starts out with a music video for a song called "Identity Crisis," which is supposed to be one of Vincent Raven's hits. Let's just say that "Identity Crisis" is a doozy of a dud, and I can't imagine it being a hit for anyone, at any time. Anyway, the fictitious music video and the terrible song play out for five whole minutes, and within that, there's about two minutes worth of footage that is shown more than once. They actually repeat footage in the opening scene. Redundant! Other wastes of time in Monster Dog include a foreboding dream sequence and a montage where the crew sets up their music video shoot. Both scenes could have lasted less than a minute without causing confusion, but instead they are stretched out to the point where I wanted to yell "OK! I FRIGGIN' GET IT!! TIME TO MOVE THE MOVIE ALONG NOW!!!"
And as an added bonus, the film ends with Vincent Raven's super smash hit "Identity Crisis" being played yet again, in its full five minute length, over clips taken from earlier in the movie, including the music video that started Monster Dog. It's the sort of sequence that a more talented director would use as a backdrop for the end credits, but not here! We get to see a five minute summation of the movie and then we get the end credits. Redundant.
Not that Monster Dog is painful to watch. Personally, I tend not to appreciate movies on a "so bad, it's good" level, but this one made me laugh often enough for me to mark it as the exception to the rule. For one thing, all of the film's dialogue was overdubbed after shooting, and it shows. It's the sort of thing that Kung Pow: Enter the Fist made fun of, only for real. Dialogue falls out of sync with the action onscreen more than a few times, and when the dubbing is in sync, the soundtrack tends to be inappropriate for what is happening. One of the female characters lets out a dramatic scream of Jamie Lee Curtis proportions, but what we hear is the sort of moaning noises one would make while sick with the flu. One of Vincent's roadies discovers a platter of sandwiches and exclaims "Wowee!" This sort of thing proved to work like a feather on my funny-bone.
There are so many other things in Monster Dog that I could talk about in great detail, like how Vincent and his crew, despite being rock and rollers, act so clean and wholesome that the Partridge Family could beat the crap out of them, or how the titular "Monster Dog" is really a werewolf with a not-so-fancy name whose screen time (which totals about 20 seconds) probably ate up most of the movie's budget, or how the only dogs that seem to be doing the actual terrorizing are an assorted bunch (probably on loan from various crew members) that are hardly intimidating, even though ferocious growling dominates the soundtrack whenever they're shown laying around, or the fact that the only two cops residing in the sub-village-area are too dumb to consider calling Animal Control, but we seem to be out of time. Your homework for tomorrow is to study up on Alice Cooper and write a 1,000 word essay on why he is awesome. Feel free to use Monster Dog as a source.
That's all for today's class; School's Out.
Today's class is Alice Cooper 101.
I love Alice Cooper. I've been listening to his pioneering shock rock stylings since I was a strapping young lad (I lost my "strapping" status around the same time that I started high school), and I own more albums by him than by anyone else. I was lucky enough to see him live a few years ago, and I can say without a doubt that it was the best concert I've attended so far. The good thing about being in the mosh pit at an Alice Cooper concert is that most of the crowd is too old and tired to actually jump around or exert any energy beyond drinking their beer, which was alright with me. He's been consistently making music for the last thirty-five years, and on top of that, the Coop currently hosts a syndicated late-night radio show that's downright entertaining, and I don't even like listening to the radio.
Oh, and he was in Wayne's World, as well. Apparently Alice Cooper is getting sick of people bowing before him exclaiming how they aren't worthy. Keep that in mind if you pass him on the street.
So, you can imagine my excitement when I found out that there was a movie out there that didn't just feature Alice Cooper in some humourous cameo, but actually had him in a starring role. And in a monster movie, no less! But alas, that excitement was all but extinguished when I found out the year the movie was made.
You see, Monster Dog was made in the early 80s', and while that was a bad enough time in its own right, it was a particularly bad time for the Coop. By that time, Alice Cooper's career was at an all-time low, and the once terrifying shock-rocker was lost at sea amidst awkward attempts at riding the New Wave trend and a bad case of alcoholism ("Is it bad?" "As opposed to good?"). Suddenly, I began to question my decision to rent this Monster Dog film. I was worried that by watching the movie, I would see my favourite musician at his absolute worst, stumbling about in a pitiful stupor as he garbles horrible dialogue and hopes that the paycheck he receives will get him by. I was sure that the movie would make me feel that same way that I'm sure millions of athletic kids felt as they saw the likes of Jose Canseco and Roger Clemens get shot down over accusations of steroid use, or the way that hundreds of diehard Baywatch fans felt as they watched the Hoff drunkenly fumble a hamburger on Youtube.
Much to my surprise, that's not what ended up happening. Sure, Monster Dog was as bad as I expected it to be, but I was relieved to find that Alice Cooper's mediocre acting (he seemed to be sober through it all, thankfully) is the least of the movie's problems.
But first, I'll summarize. The Coop plays a rock star named Vincent Raven (Vincent happens to be Alice Cooper's real first name. Coincidence? Eh, probably not), who returns home with his entourage to shoot a music video. Apparently Vincent grew up in a town so small that calling it a "town" is being generous. I don't think this place could even qualify as a "village." All we get to see of Vincent's hometown is his house, about ten other people who don't seem to have homes of their own, and trees. Lots and lots of trees. Anyway, upon returning home, Vincent finds out that his sub-village-area is on the wrong end of a nasty murder spree. What is the cause of these murders, you ask? Well, if the movie's title doesn't give it away, let's just say that the murderers are of the canine persuasion.
The first thing that grabbed my attention was that the crew behind Monster Dog were trying their absolute best to stretch out the little flick's running time. The movie clocks in at just under an hour and a half, and I'd say almost a third of that is redundant footage (then again, it could be argued that the entire movie is redundant footage, but bear with me).
Now, I thought I had already heard the worst song Alice Cooper had ever produced before watching Monster Dog ("I'm Always Chasing Rainbows"...avoid it like the plague), but the movie starts out with a music video for a song called "Identity Crisis," which is supposed to be one of Vincent Raven's hits. Let's just say that "Identity Crisis" is a doozy of a dud, and I can't imagine it being a hit for anyone, at any time. Anyway, the fictitious music video and the terrible song play out for five whole minutes, and within that, there's about two minutes worth of footage that is shown more than once. They actually repeat footage in the opening scene. Redundant! Other wastes of time in Monster Dog include a foreboding dream sequence and a montage where the crew sets up their music video shoot. Both scenes could have lasted less than a minute without causing confusion, but instead they are stretched out to the point where I wanted to yell "OK! I FRIGGIN' GET IT!! TIME TO MOVE THE MOVIE ALONG NOW!!!"
And as an added bonus, the film ends with Vincent Raven's super smash hit "Identity Crisis" being played yet again, in its full five minute length, over clips taken from earlier in the movie, including the music video that started Monster Dog. It's the sort of sequence that a more talented director would use as a backdrop for the end credits, but not here! We get to see a five minute summation of the movie and then we get the end credits. Redundant.
Not that Monster Dog is painful to watch. Personally, I tend not to appreciate movies on a "so bad, it's good" level, but this one made me laugh often enough for me to mark it as the exception to the rule. For one thing, all of the film's dialogue was overdubbed after shooting, and it shows. It's the sort of thing that Kung Pow: Enter the Fist made fun of, only for real. Dialogue falls out of sync with the action onscreen more than a few times, and when the dubbing is in sync, the soundtrack tends to be inappropriate for what is happening. One of the female characters lets out a dramatic scream of Jamie Lee Curtis proportions, but what we hear is the sort of moaning noises one would make while sick with the flu. One of Vincent's roadies discovers a platter of sandwiches and exclaims "Wowee!" This sort of thing proved to work like a feather on my funny-bone.
There are so many other things in Monster Dog that I could talk about in great detail, like how Vincent and his crew, despite being rock and rollers, act so clean and wholesome that the Partridge Family could beat the crap out of them, or how the titular "Monster Dog" is really a werewolf with a not-so-fancy name whose screen time (which totals about 20 seconds) probably ate up most of the movie's budget, or how the only dogs that seem to be doing the actual terrorizing are an assorted bunch (probably on loan from various crew members) that are hardly intimidating, even though ferocious growling dominates the soundtrack whenever they're shown laying around, or the fact that the only two cops residing in the sub-village-area are too dumb to consider calling Animal Control, but we seem to be out of time. Your homework for tomorrow is to study up on Alice Cooper and write a 1,000 word essay on why he is awesome. Feel free to use Monster Dog as a source.
That's all for today's class; School's Out.