Post by BlackCatWhiteCat on Aug 27, 2008 1:57:21 GMT -5
I have, for as long as I can remember, been fascinated by vampires. Aside from what this may offer as an explanation to people who know me, it explains why I picked up a DVD set called Bloodsuckers a couple of years ago. I knew it looked campy, but it was 5 bucks.
Chain of Souls is the last disc in the set . I can't say it's the dumbest film I've ever seen, because it's shot on video. Boy, is it dumb. Dumb dumb dumb dumb DUUUMMMMMBBBB. Alright I think I've got it out of my system.
The story goes as such: A satanic cult masquerading as a theater group is luring nubile actresses to their lair under pretense of holding auditions. When they find a choice cut they put her on the slab and start the butchering.
Every cast member was apparently plucked off the street for as well as they can act. The most believable character was the creepy landlord. Then again, all you have to do is stand there and be an anti-social jerk. (Karen if you're reading this I'm kidding. I love you please don't kick me out.) One of the leading ladies is asked if her training is classical or method, to which she replies that it's "open your mouth and say a line if you can remember it". How very introspective of you, movie. Are you trying to be cute with me?
At first we focus on Kyla, a naive country girl (complete with awful, fake accent) from Podunk, Texas. Really let that soak in. Podunk. How much does a movie have to loathe its audience in order to treat them to over an hour of a girl who makes Hee Haw look dignified? But I digress. She goes off to Hollywood, much to the dismay of her sister Angela, to try to make it as an actress. A very obviously flamingly fake gay casting director shows her where there are apartments for rent. I mention this only because Kyla, apparently naive because Texas ain't got no fairy boys, tries to land a part by attempting to seduce him with her hairy leg. I wouldn't lie to you about something like that.
La de blah blah things go awry and she falls into the evil clutches of Satan's little helpers. The rest of the movie focuses on her sister Angela and her attempt to rescue Kyla. Good old goody two shoes doe-eyed Angela. Blond and pretty and just as sweet as a fresh peach hanging off a tree in your mammy's backyard in the summertime while you're drinking sweet tea on her porch. She goes to see a dubious photographer named Bill, who took Kayla's head shot a week before she went missing. After he continually refuses to answer her questions about her sister, insisting that he's busy, Angela offers to pay him for his time to answer her questions, as if she were a client. Anyone else would gladly accept money to answer questions instead of having to do actual work. Not this bad boy. He insists that she'll have to have head shots done during the questioning, using up his film for no reason. I assume this was an idiotic excuse to dress Angela up in different boring, demure fetish outfits. She's seen in a devil costume, an old time barmaid getup, and a french maid dress. Why? None of his other clients we see are dressed like Rocky Horror Picture Show rejects.
I would scream from the top of the highest building that you should never watch this piece of dung. I would, but from what I've seen on IMDB and everywhere this DVD is sold, I'm the only one who's ever watched it since it came out in 2005.
I'm a sucker for lists, so here are some points of (dis)interest:
1.The ONLY thing I enjoyed about the movie was where Kyla says to her sister "Besides, Hollywood isn't the evil place everyone says it is." Cut to a scene from the streets of Hollywood, Hollywood sign in background and a building in the foreground that says SCIENTOLOGY on the side. I don't know if that was intentional, but if I were you, movie, I'd say it was. That made me laugh out loud.
2.Satan's ManMuscle (tm) is smacking around and taunting one of the pretty things the group has tied to a chair. She calls him a M*****F***er, to which he starts screaming with rage "DO YOU KNOW ME?!" Then he stops, looks thoughtful and calmly says "has my mom been talking again? Well it was pretty good though."
0 o
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3.When they talk to that "expert" on Satanism and she suggest Kyla is going to be used in a ceremony Angela and Bill start saying that's not possible. Then WHAT have they been worried about all this time? That they'd force her to have high tea with them? And...the tea would be....STALE? NOOO!!
4. When the leader says "We've had ceremonies like this before but not like this one." ?
5. Why is this movie called Chain of Souls?. Don't promise me chained souls in a movie obviously devoid of chains or souls, much less souls in chain formation, and then fail to deliver.
6. WTF does ANY of this have to do with VAMPIRES?!
Chain of Souls is the last disc in the set . I can't say it's the dumbest film I've ever seen, because it's shot on video. Boy, is it dumb. Dumb dumb dumb dumb DUUUMMMMMBBBB. Alright I think I've got it out of my system.
The story goes as such: A satanic cult masquerading as a theater group is luring nubile actresses to their lair under pretense of holding auditions. When they find a choice cut they put her on the slab and start the butchering.
Every cast member was apparently plucked off the street for as well as they can act. The most believable character was the creepy landlord. Then again, all you have to do is stand there and be an anti-social jerk. (Karen if you're reading this I'm kidding. I love you please don't kick me out.) One of the leading ladies is asked if her training is classical or method, to which she replies that it's "open your mouth and say a line if you can remember it". How very introspective of you, movie. Are you trying to be cute with me?
At first we focus on Kyla, a naive country girl (complete with awful, fake accent) from Podunk, Texas. Really let that soak in. Podunk. How much does a movie have to loathe its audience in order to treat them to over an hour of a girl who makes Hee Haw look dignified? But I digress. She goes off to Hollywood, much to the dismay of her sister Angela, to try to make it as an actress. A very obviously flamingly fake gay casting director shows her where there are apartments for rent. I mention this only because Kyla, apparently naive because Texas ain't got no fairy boys, tries to land a part by attempting to seduce him with her hairy leg. I wouldn't lie to you about something like that.
La de blah blah things go awry and she falls into the evil clutches of Satan's little helpers. The rest of the movie focuses on her sister Angela and her attempt to rescue Kyla. Good old goody two shoes doe-eyed Angela. Blond and pretty and just as sweet as a fresh peach hanging off a tree in your mammy's backyard in the summertime while you're drinking sweet tea on her porch. She goes to see a dubious photographer named Bill, who took Kayla's head shot a week before she went missing. After he continually refuses to answer her questions about her sister, insisting that he's busy, Angela offers to pay him for his time to answer her questions, as if she were a client. Anyone else would gladly accept money to answer questions instead of having to do actual work. Not this bad boy. He insists that she'll have to have head shots done during the questioning, using up his film for no reason. I assume this was an idiotic excuse to dress Angela up in different boring, demure fetish outfits. She's seen in a devil costume, an old time barmaid getup, and a french maid dress. Why? None of his other clients we see are dressed like Rocky Horror Picture Show rejects.
I would scream from the top of the highest building that you should never watch this piece of dung. I would, but from what I've seen on IMDB and everywhere this DVD is sold, I'm the only one who's ever watched it since it came out in 2005.
I'm a sucker for lists, so here are some points of (dis)interest:
1.The ONLY thing I enjoyed about the movie was where Kyla says to her sister "Besides, Hollywood isn't the evil place everyone says it is." Cut to a scene from the streets of Hollywood, Hollywood sign in background and a building in the foreground that says SCIENTOLOGY on the side. I don't know if that was intentional, but if I were you, movie, I'd say it was. That made me laugh out loud.
2.Satan's ManMuscle (tm) is smacking around and taunting one of the pretty things the group has tied to a chair. She calls him a M*****F***er, to which he starts screaming with rage "DO YOU KNOW ME?!" Then he stops, looks thoughtful and calmly says "has my mom been talking again? Well it was pretty good though."
0 o
__
3.When they talk to that "expert" on Satanism and she suggest Kyla is going to be used in a ceremony Angela and Bill start saying that's not possible. Then WHAT have they been worried about all this time? That they'd force her to have high tea with them? And...the tea would be....STALE? NOOO!!
4. When the leader says "We've had ceremonies like this before but not like this one." ?
5. Why is this movie called Chain of Souls?. Don't promise me chained souls in a movie obviously devoid of chains or souls, much less souls in chain formation, and then fail to deliver.
6. WTF does ANY of this have to do with VAMPIRES?!
"If I'm going to be desensitized into a mindless stock animal, I may as well do it with a cushy ergonomic seat and magnificent THX-certified sound. -Kevin Murphy
Just ask Oogie....it ain't pretty.
