Post by BlackCatWhiteCat on Oct 6, 2008 14:55:43 GMT -5
By popular demand (meaning one person asked in one post a few days ago), I'm finally putting up Part 3 of my CPF.
Episode 3:
Spirit Trap
I love the kind of cinematic fool's gold that others toss aside in disappointment. I AM that kind of freak who hunted down and watched Child Bride, the movie Kevin Murphy and Mike Nelson mentioned in an interview where they discussed movies so disturbing they wouldn't use them for MST3K. I looked for it, found it on a site that rhymes with "boogle" and watched the whole thing. In fact I was gonna use that for my third installment of HCPF! Whether or not I ever review it remains to be seen, as I'd have to actually watch it again, my mind having gone into self-preserve mode by erasing most of that nightmare fuel from my memory. This dogged determination, TV's Frank-type fascination with crappy films and a healthy pinch of masochism have all molded me into the kind of person who reads the description for Spirit Trap and gets all giddy inside. The fact that Billie Piper stars in it cemented the deal (more on that later).
The plot is that old favorite, torn from the pages of The Book of Horror Movie Plots That Refuse To Go Away: A bunch of strangers end up staying overnight in a house together. Creepy things happen and people die.
Fate won't be happy with anything less than the brutal murder of everyone but the best-looking and least morally corrupt characters. At least that's what I was hoping for. What I got was the most boring and confusing thing I've seen since I ran across that Gene Simmons sex video.
Our characters are an odd bunch of ducks. There's a drinking, using, PDA-ing couple, some dark-haired girl who lays around in bed all the time, a goofy guy, and Billie Piper. If I had written this review pre-2005 I would've explained who Billie is by telling you she's the youngest artist ever to debut at number one in the UK singles chart, back in 1998. And I had her CD up until a couple of years ago. Doctor Who made that moot, so I suppose I don't really know where I'm going with this. Actually yes I do. I'm mad at Doctor Who for ruining my chance at showing off my knowledge of obscure (to Americans) pop stars. *shakes fist*
The audience gets some haphazard reason for why everyone ends up staying together in a dilapidated house. Enjoy that reason, haphazard as it is, for it is the only time the movie attempts to explain anything at all. The movie doesn't even offer up any details or back story about the house. Well that's not fair. We do know the house is evil 'cause a hobo got killed by a shingle when he tried to break into the house in the first scene. There's nothing like offing a hobo in the first 30 seconds to tell you that a house is evil! EEEEVVVIIIIIIILLLLL. [/Mermaid Man voice]
The "horror" starts when Goofy Guy fixes a "spirit clock" that Billie says is a bridge to the spirit world. How she knows this, for the time being, is shrouded in pathetic attempts at mystery. Lights flicker, water is left running, and the clock chimes. 20 minutes in and the hobo's 3 millisecond death is still the most action we've seen. 15 minutes later and the only action we're seeing is the beginnings of some embarrassing BDSM by our PDA duo. The camera mercifully cuts away and leads us to believe the Slap-Happy Couple will be first to die. 'Cause, you know, anyone who's watched any Jason movie ever knows that sex=death. Unfortunately the movie is decidedly death-free for a LONG time. 45 minutes and more water runs and Billie gets a creepy phone call. 70 minutes. I'm awake only because of the sever discomfort of my flu. No one has died but a couple of people are missing, kinda. They could just be having a really long toilet break for all we know. Half of the movie's BDSM problem went nutsy bobo for some unknown reason and his woman went missing. Or potty. 9 minutes away from the end and NOTHING has made sense. NOTHING. There's some weird, convoluted plot about the house's history and someone having to be killed to bring two star crossed lovers back together in the grave or our not-so-plucky troupe will be trapped in the spirit world forever. Really that's the best I can give you, because as I said, NOTHING made any sense. I know my flu isn't to blame for the migraine I endured after watching this.
You know, movie...mystery and plot twists are great and all. I can see you're all over those tools of the trade. What went horribly wrong was trying too hard to capitalize on the fact that confusion causes fear. I mean sure it does, but there's a line you crossed where the confusion just makes the audience scratch their heads, look stupidly at each other and start picking their toe jam. I'll assume that wasn't your intended reaction.
I could handle the lack of massacre if the story was good, but it's completely and utterly boring. There are lame "revelations" that don't make things any scarier or flesh the characters out any more. Odd flashback-type scenes are sprinkled here and there and then bear no fruit from the tree of sense making. No one can possibly be interested in these bland people, sexual asphyxiation vices or no. Some of the saddest attempts ever at jump scares are made early on, then abandoned altogether shortly after. Something's wrong when you can't startle a woman alone in a dark house and operating on Nyquil.
Episode 3:
Spirit Trap
I love the kind of cinematic fool's gold that others toss aside in disappointment. I AM that kind of freak who hunted down and watched Child Bride, the movie Kevin Murphy and Mike Nelson mentioned in an interview where they discussed movies so disturbing they wouldn't use them for MST3K. I looked for it, found it on a site that rhymes with "boogle" and watched the whole thing. In fact I was gonna use that for my third installment of HCPF! Whether or not I ever review it remains to be seen, as I'd have to actually watch it again, my mind having gone into self-preserve mode by erasing most of that nightmare fuel from my memory. This dogged determination, TV's Frank-type fascination with crappy films and a healthy pinch of masochism have all molded me into the kind of person who reads the description for Spirit Trap and gets all giddy inside. The fact that Billie Piper stars in it cemented the deal (more on that later).
The plot is that old favorite, torn from the pages of The Book of Horror Movie Plots That Refuse To Go Away: A bunch of strangers end up staying overnight in a house together. Creepy things happen and people die.
Fate won't be happy with anything less than the brutal murder of everyone but the best-looking and least morally corrupt characters. At least that's what I was hoping for. What I got was the most boring and confusing thing I've seen since I ran across that Gene Simmons sex video.
Our characters are an odd bunch of ducks. There's a drinking, using, PDA-ing couple, some dark-haired girl who lays around in bed all the time, a goofy guy, and Billie Piper. If I had written this review pre-2005 I would've explained who Billie is by telling you she's the youngest artist ever to debut at number one in the UK singles chart, back in 1998. And I had her CD up until a couple of years ago. Doctor Who made that moot, so I suppose I don't really know where I'm going with this. Actually yes I do. I'm mad at Doctor Who for ruining my chance at showing off my knowledge of obscure (to Americans) pop stars. *shakes fist*
The audience gets some haphazard reason for why everyone ends up staying together in a dilapidated house. Enjoy that reason, haphazard as it is, for it is the only time the movie attempts to explain anything at all. The movie doesn't even offer up any details or back story about the house. Well that's not fair. We do know the house is evil 'cause a hobo got killed by a shingle when he tried to break into the house in the first scene. There's nothing like offing a hobo in the first 30 seconds to tell you that a house is evil! EEEEVVVIIIIIIILLLLL. [/Mermaid Man voice]
The "horror" starts when Goofy Guy fixes a "spirit clock" that Billie says is a bridge to the spirit world. How she knows this, for the time being, is shrouded in pathetic attempts at mystery. Lights flicker, water is left running, and the clock chimes. 20 minutes in and the hobo's 3 millisecond death is still the most action we've seen. 15 minutes later and the only action we're seeing is the beginnings of some embarrassing BDSM by our PDA duo. The camera mercifully cuts away and leads us to believe the Slap-Happy Couple will be first to die. 'Cause, you know, anyone who's watched any Jason movie ever knows that sex=death. Unfortunately the movie is decidedly death-free for a LONG time. 45 minutes and more water runs and Billie gets a creepy phone call. 70 minutes. I'm awake only because of the sever discomfort of my flu. No one has died but a couple of people are missing, kinda. They could just be having a really long toilet break for all we know. Half of the movie's BDSM problem went nutsy bobo for some unknown reason and his woman went missing. Or potty. 9 minutes away from the end and NOTHING has made sense. NOTHING. There's some weird, convoluted plot about the house's history and someone having to be killed to bring two star crossed lovers back together in the grave or our not-so-plucky troupe will be trapped in the spirit world forever. Really that's the best I can give you, because as I said, NOTHING made any sense. I know my flu isn't to blame for the migraine I endured after watching this.
You know, movie...mystery and plot twists are great and all. I can see you're all over those tools of the trade. What went horribly wrong was trying too hard to capitalize on the fact that confusion causes fear. I mean sure it does, but there's a line you crossed where the confusion just makes the audience scratch their heads, look stupidly at each other and start picking their toe jam. I'll assume that wasn't your intended reaction.
I could handle the lack of massacre if the story was good, but it's completely and utterly boring. There are lame "revelations" that don't make things any scarier or flesh the characters out any more. Odd flashback-type scenes are sprinkled here and there and then bear no fruit from the tree of sense making. No one can possibly be interested in these bland people, sexual asphyxiation vices or no. Some of the saddest attempts ever at jump scares are made early on, then abandoned altogether shortly after. Something's wrong when you can't startle a woman alone in a dark house and operating on Nyquil.
"If I'm going to be desensitized into a mindless stock animal, I may as well do it with a cushy ergonomic seat and magnificent THX-certified sound. -Kevin Murphy
Goes to show that when suffering from intense fever and malaise I should engage in more sleeping, less post-writing. 