Shermage! The Critic Quotes to Brighten Your Day!!

[bladestarr]

Jay Sherman: It stinks

Jeremy Hawk: I've learned two thing in my career, one don't trust women, and two never do blackface at the end of the NAACP spirit awards

Jay's father: If I were a vegetable, I'd be a carrot

TV Announcer: And now back to Hee Haw: The Next Generation

Jay Sherman: Lady, don't take this the wrong way, but you're nuts!
Old Lady: Oh, you sound just like the toaster.

Duke Phillips: Why the hell do you have to be so critical?
Jay Sherman: I'm a critic.
Duke Phillips: No, your job is to rate movies on a scale from "good" to "excellent".
Jay Sherman: What if I don't like them?
Duke Phillips: That's what "good" is for.

Jay Sherman: Mom. Dad. I never made you laugh.
Franklin: Well, I did chuckle a bit when you tried to eat that bird and fell over the cliff.
Eleanor: No Franklin, that was the Roadrunner.
Jay Sherman: No, that was me.

Duke Phillips: Well, like most of America's cultural elite, I worship Pan, goat god.

Duke Phillips: Thank you, Jay. After I die, you can eat my brain. It will give you power.

Jay gets struck in the head with a shotput.
Jay Sherman: Skull cracked. Brains leaking out. Can't wait to see new Chevy Chase movie...

Jay Sherman: Don't worry son, if you think that only handsome musicians can get beautiful women, I have two words for you: Lyle Lovett.
Marty Sherman: I thought that he was handsome.
Jay Sherman: You're thinking of Jon Lovitz. With his good looks, he takes the cake.

Theater Clerk: Excuse me, the show's over.
Alice Tompkins: Get away, zit face.
Jay Sherman: That's why I love her.

filming a commercial
Orson Welles: Rosebud... yes, Rosebud frozen peas. Full of country goodness and green peaness. Wait, that's terrible. I quit.

Jay Sherman: Well, first of all, I'd like to thank you for all the years of laughter and tears!
Adam West: What tears would those be?
Jay Sherman: Why, tears of... laughter!

Doris: Kiss my surprisingly firm butt.

Judge: Mr. Phillips, please answer the question!
Duke Phillips: All right! Yes, I sold the mustard gas to Qaddafi!
Judge: What?
Duke Phillips: Uh... mustard... gives me gas, as does taffy.
Judge: I have the same problem with fresh fruit.

Jay is complaining in a restaurant.
Jay Sherman: Oh, and I hated The Sixth Sense. "I see dead people!" We're supposed to believe THAT?
The ghost of John Wayne appears.
John Wayne's Ghost: Say, Four-by-Four, are you gonna finish those fries?
annoyed
The ghost of Gabby Hayes appears next to him.
Gabby Hayes' Ghost: C'mon, Duke. We can always bum some food off of Shirley MacLaine.
John Wayne's Ghost: Yeah, but then you gotta listen to her.

Jay Sherman: what's that sulfur smell? Ah the eggs have ripened. Wait a minute! Eggs don't ripen! Eggs don't ripen!

Jay Sherman: So... Ardeth... How's my favorite ex-wife?
Ardeth: The judge says every time you speak to me it'll cost you a hundred dollars.
Jay Sherman: Here's TWO hundred. Get bent!

singing
man punches him
Jay Sherman: Ow.


Franklin Sherman: I was the head of a trucker's union once. That reminds me, there's a lot of money and some dead bodies buried in the back yard!

Alice Tompkins: Whenever he sings to me, I melt like butter on a bagel. God, I've been in New York too long.

Jay is getting "hair" sprayed on his head before a show
Jay Sherman: Ah, this new stuff feels great. Where'd you get it?
Doris: Some kid was spray painting "King Dork" on your car with it.

Marty Sherman: But I can't act!
Jay Sherman: That's what a young Steve Guttenberg said to me, but look at him now! No, wait... look at him four years ago.

Duke Phillips: I like to think of you as a big, fat toilet I flush all my money down... sort of a Johnny Cash.

End Credits
Usher: Excuse me, sir. The show's over.
Jay Sherman: Is the snack bar still open?

Jay Sherman: That's why the best actor of this generation and every generation is Ned Beatty.

[During a spoof of "Honey, I Shrunk the Kids" and "Silence of the Lambs, entitled "Honey, I ate the Kids."
Clarice Starling: Kids, I'm home! Kids?
A figure enters the room
Hannibal Lecter: Hello, Clarice.
Clarice Starling: Oh, Hannibal, have you seen the kids?
Hannibal slurping
Clarice Starling: Did you eat the kids AGAIN?
Hannibal pulls out a turkey thermometer
Clarice Starling: That's a turkey thermometer.
Hannibal Lecter: And it will pop when you are done.

Doris: What could you do with me in three days?
Duke Phillips: Honey, I could make you Mrs. Ernest Borgnine.
Doris: Pass.

Jay Sherman: I can't die like this! I have holes in my Little Mermaid underwear!

Doris is dragging Sherman down the stairs.
Doris: Let me know if you're suffering any brain damage...
Jay sings falsetto
Doris: You're fine.


Jay Sherman: It stinks!

Jay Sherman: Hotchie Motchie!

Jay Sherman: Celebrity voices are impersonated. No celebrities were harmed in the filming of this episode.

on phone
Eleanor: Jay, this is your mother. Your father and I are taking you out of our will, we feel you already have enough money. Oh yes, and happy birthday!

Duke Phillips: Look, this isn't art, it's just mindless pabulum for losers who can barely read. Oh that reminds me, I've got an interview with People Magazine.

Jay Sherman: I always have to look my sexiest. That's why I'm wearing these tight, size 42 pants.

Jay Sherman: Take your genitalia right back to Australia!

Jeremy: Jay, we have a saying in Australia... well, it's not really a saying, it's a drinking song. It's about a bottle of beer and the men who loved her... and it doesn't really apply here, but my advice to you is slow down.

Jay Sherman: Please you've got to tell me, did a beautiful woman leave my apartment?
Doorman: I wouldn't know, I've been drinking in the alley all morning.

[bladestarr]

in Rabbi P. I. movie
Arnold Schwarzenegger: Hava Nagila, Baby!

on phone
Gene Shalit: Hi, this is Gene Shalit. I'm having a bad hair day, if you don't believe me, look out the window!

Duke Phillips: I'm giving you five days of my time to turn you around.
Jay Sherman: What if five days isn't enough?
Duke Phillips: Son, I spent just three days with a young man named Bill Clinton and look at him now.
Jay Sherman: Maybe you should've taken four.
Duke Phillips: Yeah...

Jay Sherman: ...And that's why I'm glad The Beatles broke up!

in Indecent Proposal II movie
Robert Redford: I'd like to sleep with your wife and I'm prepared to pay... $6.
Demi Moore: Last time you paid us a million.
Robert Redford: I know, at the time I was worth $1,000,006.

Jay Sherman: Next year you could be head of the studio.
Security Guard: No, last year I was head of the studio. 12-picture deal with Shelly Long seemed like a good idea.

Jay Sherman: Jeremy, you're just an actor, you don't know how to use that thing!
Jeremy: It's just a gun for godsakes, not a bloody Xerox machine!

Gene Siskel: Well I thought that movie was very poignant.
Roger Ebert: Aw, c'mon, Gene. That was just another pointless sequel that didn't need to be made.
Gene Siskel: This, from the man who liked 'Benji the Hunted?'
Roger Ebert: Hey, you liked 'Carnosaur!'
Gene Siskel: Well I bet you'll like this!
punches are thrown
Gene Siskel: Hasta la vista, Porky!
Roger Ebert: Cue ball in the side pocket!
punches are thrown

on phone
Al Pacino: HOO-AH! Jay this is Al HOO-AH Pacino. I can't stop saying HOO-AH! Go see my new movie, Godfather Part HOO-AH!

Marty Sherman: Being President's hard work. And all the other kids want to do is goof off and eat candy.
Jay Sherman: Son, as President, you cannot just goof off and eat candy.
remembers Ronald Reagan being sworn in
Ronald Reagen: As your President, I solemnly swear to goof off and eat candy.
falls asleep at podium
Crowd: Four more years! Four more years!

Jay Sherman: You're old enough to be my mother.
Doris: So? You're fat enough to be my car.

Theater Employee: Excuse me, sir. The movie's over.
Jay Sherman: I'm stuck in the chair!

Jay Sherman: And here's what I think about this movie...
Jay's interrupted by Duke
Duke Phillips: Sorry, son, our market research shows that no one cares what you think.

Alice Thompkins: Listen to your heart.
Jay Sherman: Everybody always says that.
Jay's Stomach: Nobody ever listens to me!

Doris: You can put the lamp down.
Jay Sherman: What?
Doris: You were planning to beat me up and take my apartment weren't you?

Franklin Sherman: I'm not wearing pants. I was wearing pants, but then they split and now I'm not wearing any.

Girlfriend: What's with your dad?
Margo Sherman: He had a stroke.
Elanor Sherman: Not really, we just use that as an excuse to explain his behavior.

Jay and Duke look out the window at a face-clock made in Duke's likeness. Dead birds lie between the clocks lips.
a bird flies into his mouth

Duke Phillips: I'm gonna run this country the same way I run my company. I'm gonna raid the pension fund, dump chemicals in the oceans, and sell our best assets to the Japanese.
Ronald Reagan: Looks like Reaganomics is making a comeback.
Duke Phillips: Half you states are in the toilet, and you're not coming out! California, you know what I'm talking about. New York, kiss your smoggy butt goodbye! New England, you're going back to Old England.
Queen Elizabeth: Oh, I don't want that.
Prince Charles: More poison? I mean, tea?
Queen Elizabeth: Don't mind if I do. Oops. Almost had me there.
She hits him over the head with her scepter, knocking him unconscious.

A scene from Arnold Schwarzenegger in "Rabbi P.I."
A bum comes up to Arnold.
Bum: Spare some change mister?
Arnold pulls out a shotgun and shoots him
Arnold: Sorry. That's not kosher.

Franklin: Son, as vice president I will stand for honesty, and to prove it, I'll no longer wear this toupee!
Rips the hair off the top of his scalp.
Jay Sherman: Dad, you don't wear a toupee.
Franklin: I will from now on.

Cyrus Thompkins: Fine, I'll come back tomorrow, you think about it and talk it over with your gay friend.
Alice Thompkins: Jay is not gay!
offscreen
Jay plays an accordian while he sings.

Hannibal Lecter: Can you hear it, Clarice? The silence of the lambs...
Hannibal farts.

Jay Sherman: God love her, Mom, I couldn't change her mind. You should be proud she has your will.
Eleanor Sherman: She may have my will, but she doesn't have my gun!

Dressmaker: We dressmakers have a very strict code, so I need to know. Do you deserve to wear virginial white? Because if you don't, you'll have to wear an off white, what we call a "hussy white". So which will it be? White white?
Margo Sherman: Yes... um, except for the gloves.

Frist episode of the web series
Jay Sherman: Hello, this is Jay Sherman, coming to you at the speed of light!
Cut to wide shot; Jay's legs are still loading
Jay Sherman: Come on. Come on. Oh, my God! Are my legs that fat?
Legs done loading
Jay Sherman: Ah, that's better.

Jay Sherman: My least favorite part was when the fat guy got killed by the Dilophosaurus.
Dilophosaurus hisses and spits at him
Jay Sherman: I didn't see that coming.

to son on phone
Jay's Stomach: What's that hogwash you've been feedin' the boy?
Jay Sherman: Nothing, Master, really.
Jay's Stomach: Good. Now dance for me!
Dances to Arabian tune

Fat Camp Counselor: You've lost one pound.
Jay Sherman: Yes! Back to my college weight!

Reviewing Haing S. Ngor in "The Killing Fields"
Jay Sherman: If you ask me, he should've gone to the "Acting Fields"!

[druidGirl]

"Buy my book. Buy my book. Buy my book..."

[TheLuckyOne]

So, Bladestarr already listed all of them... what are the rest of us supposed to contribute? I kept scrolling down, hoping he hadn't gotten the funniest line The Critic ever had... but there it was, "virginal white" and "Yes... um, except the gloves." Curse his eyes!

So instead, I'll just use this space to complain that Alice was a great character and that chicky they introduced in the internet shorts (Jennifer? I don't even remember) was bland and uninteresting. But then, Southern accents really do it for me. Oh well.

"Ah must taste blood!"
"Jay, my daughter's been here 5 minutes and she already wants to taste blood. That's it, we're leaving!"
"But it's so cute the way she says it! 'Bluuuuhd'."

"Get away! I'll spork your ass!"

And of course, "Oh my God, it's a giant horse's ass!" *turns to camera* "You're watching Fox- give us 10 minutes, we'll give you an ass!"

-D

[TromboneMessiah]

I always loved this classic:

*on an airplane, Franklin walks into the cockpit to see that the plane is being flown by a penguin*
Franklin: Wait a minute...Penguins can't fly. PENGUINS CAN'T FLY!!!!!!!!!!
*plane crashes*

and another Franklin favorite

Franklin: I'm glueing the silverware to the ceiling so the neighbors won't steal it.
*Jay looks up and sees silverware on ceiling, as well as their dog*
Jay: Dad, I understand the silverware, but why the dog?
Franklin: He understands the silverware? Cuckoo!