Cartoon One-Liners

[Head Mutant]

Just for fun, and because we all love quotes, we're adding a *second* random quote generator, this time to the reviews page and featuring quotes from TV cartoons (simpsons, futurama, critic, zim, family guy).

Quotes either in this thread or in other TV threads will be considered for addition (you can help build this quote list!).

A quote has a better chance of being added if its:

(1) A one-liner (two or more people talking doesn't go over well in that generator, so keep it to one person only).

(2) From a TV cartoon, preferably one of the ones above.

(3) Something not overly long

(4) Funny

So... help a brother out? Let's get cracking!

[DarthToad]

Okay, I'll give it a shot.

Homer: If Bart can be El Barto, then I can be...EL HOMO!

I wish we could do Seinfeld. Grrrrr...

[bladestarr]

Alright, time to get bizzy! *cracks knuckles* I now present my Follow-up to Shermage with Duckage! Duckman Quotes to Brighten Your Day!!! (edited down to one-liners)

Bernice - You were suppose to get your dog neutered, I caught him
looking looking funny at the hamster again!

Ajax - Yeast cakes! Every bite a nutritional pot-pourri.

Duckman - I brake for animals,..if they're big enough to dent my car.

Duckman - What the hell are YOU starin' at!?!

Ajax - Is it possible to love a sandwich so much you don't want to
eat it, cause then it'll be gone?

Duckman - Play with tigers, you get covered in yellow hair.

Cornfed - No one else could have created the family you did... I mean
that in a good way.

Ajax - oh oh Yet again I have loaded Aunt Bernices' priceless
Ming Dynasy china in the trash compactor.

Miracle - I had fleas and ticks but I bathed in low fat milk
boy and now I only have ticks.

Duckman - Sure, when my butt starts singing show tunes.

Ajax - Dod's a detective?

Cornfed - Interesting how the need for substance in an unexamined life
often times leads to gulibility.

Duckman - Forget Mother Mirabelle. This crowd needs father Thorazine.

Duckman - Hmm boy! Just smell that art. Yessiry this is just the
break I needed after a long day of making art & being insane.

Duckman - I don't know art but I know what I like..... BREATHING!!

Mombo - Does a high ranking religious figure evecuate his bowels
in a wooded area?

Ajax - I thought we were going out for Flan?

Duckman - I got a question. How come they can put a man on the moon,
but they can't make a deoderant that works past lunch?

Cornfed - Either you're babbling, or you just told me in Cherokee
that my scrotum was many colored.

Duckman - Its like a dream..... Not the naked contortionist on the
glass table top kind of dream.... but not bad.

Cornfed - Erased, ran off thousands of copies... it's such a fine line.

Duckman - Once again I've outwitted a pitfully inadequate opponent by
staying one step ahead of em. How exactly did I do that?

Duckman - I've seen plenty of guys with smaller bills than me....
not that I look at other guys bills.

[Personal Favorite]
Cornfed - I need to learn how to awaken the sexual beast that lies
dormant in every womans soul waiting to transform her into
a lusting creature of unbridled passion. Pulling at me.
Tugging at me. Yelling TAKE ME CORNFED MAKE ME YOUR LOVE
SLAVE!!!
[/Personal Favorite]

Cornfed - Mini golf put me through Dental school.

Mistress Nina - Confidence is the third door on the left.

Bernice - Ohh... That man makes my elbows sweat.

Duckman - Wait a minute! Hold it! I gotta think about operations
ever since that little appendectomy mishap. Good thing I
already had kids.

Duckman - I've got thrills to seek, deaths to defy, matress tags to
tear off.

Duckman - Can it and sell it to someone else Bacon Boy. If I were
interested in science I wouldn't have spent all that
classroom time at the porno arcade.

Ajax - We're not even ashamed to be sitting with you when you're
picking at your underwear in public.

Duckman - The boy is fifteen years old. He still hasn't mastered
the four slice toaster.

Duckman - Duckman. Duckman with a D. In fact PHD. Loveology.
Perhaps you'd care to stay after class while I grade on
your curves?

Duckman - Alright lets go. These candies melt, I can't use them
as slugs in the toll basket.

Cornfed - Sometimes after an electrical storm I see in five dimensions.
why are the sixty of you looking at me like that?

Duckman - Come here chicken & prepare to meet your colonel!

Cornfed - Any ex-wandering troubadour slash hostage negotiator
could've done it

Cornfed - I was once kidnapped by a cabal of kick-boxing Ninja who
forced me nightly to play a deadly game of steel cage
basketball where the losers where beheaded.

Duckman - Sorry, I didn't hear you, I was staring at your breasts.

Bob - I didn't count on an undercover pig being on me like
pee on a bum's shoes.

Cornfed - You're aware that while it affords one the momentary
illusion of satisfaction, the spewing of bile is
never a permanent solution.

Duckman - If I wanted a lecture about money I coulda waited till
Sunday and stolen from the collection plate again.

Agent Dennehy - Hands to the sky duckbreath. There's a cavity search
with your name on it.

Ajax - Mmm ... a gumball... how fortutious

Ajax - Hey everyone, it's Farmer Brown of Farmer Brown's Sausage
Sticks. His meat-like products are gristlicious.

Duckman - It looks a lot worse than it actually is.

Vanessa - Very impressive Mr. Duckman, but why are you telling me in
Cherokee that you have racoons in your pants?

Duckman - OK, Final Offer! 500 Bucks to do a couple of jumping jacks
and I don't even have to be in the room... just phone me
& tell me when you do em!

Duckman - Actually my biggest fantasy involves you, liver loaf and a
pack of starving rotwillers!

Ajax - I'd hoped for your blessing dod, but I'm old enough to make
decisions on my own. Aren't I??

Fluffy - Mr. Duckman your carton of Itch-away Rectal Cream just
arrived and your test results are here. The doctor hasn't
identified your lesions but he's ruled out cold sores!

Cornfed - Before I met Duckman I was at a crossroads, soul searching,
looking for my place in this endless puzzel we call life.
.. You ever wake up in a Cambodian gaming parlour and
realize you were living in a dark dank abyss of emptyness
& loneliness, then wander the mountains of Asia for two
years until you became the chef in a Tibetian monestary?

Duckman - Don't respect you? ... I brought you the hand towel didn't I?

Duckman - Mayor Whitman!! The man who brought honesty & fairness to
municiple politics, the man who clensed city hall of
corruption, the man I voted for SIX times in the last
election?

Ajax - ew look a choclate bar. . . . EW this isn't a choclate bar.

Ajax - By the hand of Zeus what manner of deviltry is this?
I mean... what gives?

Duckman - What the hell are YOU starin at?!!

Duckman - Flaming this, blend & brew that, What ever happened to the
manly drinks? The kind that made you go blind, puke till
you drop, then wake up three days later married to the
daughter of some overly protective father who would pay
you to get it annuled.

Cornfed - So, you going to spend the rest of your life waxing your
own board or are you going to call her back?

Duckman (lighting a cigarette) - Throwing my life away on an overpriced
marketing phenomena tha will leave me
bed ridden, tumorous and politically
incorrect.

Duckman - She's hideous! She's got a face that would scatter a leper
colony. You gotta look at her through a box with a little
hole in it.

Duckman - I finally found a woman I can love and respect.
Look her eyes point in the same direction.

Cornfed - Tell me about it, just las week I was in a bar talking
to a white slaver.

Duckman - Beats the heck out of some quack charging me through the
bill, just to grope a bunch of places I don't even touch....
Hardly ever.

Duckman - You! The son of poor Okey Mountain pigs. How'd you afford
med school?

Cornfed - Two words... Vivisection volunteer. Sure it hurt, but I'm
told as a result of banging me on the head with a large hammer
& then slicing open my stomach & digging around in my insides
they were able to rule out two theories on why fat people
perspire.

Cornfed - Bend over, grab the desk & grit your teeth.

Duckman - Oh Right! Like I was the only guy to laugh at the joke about
the gay midget with the cleft pallet.

Duckman - Funny is a wiffle ball bat in the gazongas, or a little
super glue on a tooth brush..

Duckman - I appreciate the compliment, but I don't swing that way.

[bladestarr]

Part 2!

Cornfed: Gasp. Excuse my uncharacteristic near-dementia level of excitement,
but I seem to have solved the Fitzwalter case. I proved that his wife
is part of a sinister conspiracy involving the international arms
trade, a renegade band of Cuban drug runners, and three members of the
cast of Friends.

Bernice: Prepare to die, you puss-colored canker sore on the mouth of humanity!

Duckman: Please - it's depressing enough that we're related.

Duckman: OK, so I should have asked before selling his rabbits for testing but
dammit, mascara makers gotta live too!

Ajax: I'm unhappy because deconstructionism has lost much of its moral force
as a technique in literary analysis.

Duckman: Male menopause. Good news, son! A small block of time just opened up
and I want you to know that aside from all the other things I'd rather
do, there's nothing I'd rather do then spend that time with you.

Duckman: You're saying Ajax is a klutz, a clod, a mudhugger an elbow eater, a
blinking bumbling boob who'll make a fool out of himself, and more
important me, every time he tries to move a muscle? Assuming he has one?

Ajax: Sometimes, late at night, I can smell my intestines.

Duckman: I wonder if he's that fast in a gunny sack...

Duckman: You can't reduce this to numbers. There's no room for your famous Vulcan
logic in this.

Bernice: Coolio will be living here? My be-all and end-all? My alpha and omega?
A man whose streetwise scowl hides a heart with more gold than there
is in his posse's teeth?

Duckman: Whatever you need, whether it's fast money, loose chicks or theological
discourse, you come straight to your dear old duckie dad.

Duckman: We got us some bonding to do, and this time I won't even use any epoxy.

Duckman: Just consider it another one of life's painful lessons, son. Whoever
said it doesn't matter if you win or lose, must have been riding in
the back of the loser bus - covered in human filth.

Duckman: I whipped up a high-energy breakfast of popovers for you, each pastry
individually injected with my own special steroid, ehr, protein
supplement.

Cornfed: Duckman, your efforts are admirable. Assuming admirable stands for
ludicrous.

Cornfed: I said I'd be your son because I wanted to help you. You seemed
desperate for love. Uh-well, at least desperate.

Announcer: You shot 14 people during the archery event - I'd say that's an
improvement over last year's 26, wouldn't you?

Duckman: And in conclusion, since we live in an insane world, maybe it's
time we give insane solutions a chance.

Anchorman: Please remember that the views of Duckman in no way reflect the
views of ehr, anyone.

Duckman: Test scores drop every year. Let's face it, American kids are
stupid. Get them off the fast track, and on the fast food
track, while we genetically engineer a master race of better kids.

Mambo: I'm tempted to die, just so I can get a head start on spinning in
my grave.

Cornfed: Yes, my favorites (crank letters) were: "English only laws - let's make'em
international", and "Cub scouts - the enemy within"

Duckman: What about your, other sister? Oh, right - Dorothy's house landed
on her.

Cornfed: Well, you sutured Mr. Crump's lips, smeared liquid heat in the pep
squad's muffs, painted Blue Oyster Cult Rules on coach Marcus's car,
and thanks to you, Miss Finch went to live with the nuns for a while.

Duckman: What are you saying? That he's junior Minty? A pile driver? He flies
the red eye? He likes the center square to block?

Duckman: Hah. Seems the kid's got more snap in his cap than I realized. I should
take him under my Hai Karate soaked wing, and let him drink deeply
of the stagnant waters of my 16-year old pool of experience - and
speaking of pools, it's time for the girls swim team practice.

Cornfed: I'll become his partner, the day the US gives back the Panama canal.

Duckman: I believe something as beautiful
as masturbation should wait till you find someone you love enough to
marry. And then, when she never lets you touch her again, THAT's when
sex-for-one becomes so, magical. And I think, that's worth waiting
for.

Bernice: Wow! Will I ever find someone who loves ME enough to never let me
touch her again?

Duckman: Ehr, hello! Not REAL reasons! I want a gross oversimplification I can
slap on my car bumper so I can delude myself into thinking that I'm
DOING something.

Duckman: Gee, in movies, homeless guys turn out to be piano prodigies, or
great surgeons, while their home-spun brand of wisdom brings troubled
families together, but Brad's... NONE of those.

Duckman: Alright now look - when the Social Services joker gets here, let ME do
all the talking. If words were cherry stems, my tongue would be in
Sherilyn Fenn's mouth.

Duckman: You're gonna come down on a guy who lives in a refrigerator box?

High School Teacher: Alright children, class dismissed. Please stop learning now!

Charles: Oh yeah, I knew the capital of France wasn't France Town!

[Just for DarthToad]
Mambo: ...or that blind-obesssed Seinfeld groupie who thought he was Jason
Alexander in a duck suit.
[/Just for DarthToad]

Cornfed: Oh - I must say I'm surprised at how readily you boys bastardized
your code of ethics in order to justify a morally dubious decision.
That was very grown-up of you.

Ajax: Still, I would do anything for dad - even without a biscuit after each
trick. But ehr, you know, he doesn't need to know that part...

Cornfed: No Duckman, NOT irresistable - there's just enough to intrigue ONE
woman, the rest is up to you. Given your proven record of mind-
bogglingly destructive excess, we felt that giving you any more than
that, would be like giving Michael Jackson a drum of peanut oil and
some cub scouts. Alledgedly.

Bernice: Wrong! You get ALL the blame! You turned my house into an episode of
Weird Science!

[PoolMan]

Y'know, Duckman was such an underappreciated show. Cornfed rules.

[bladestarr]

Yes I know. His deadpan delivery style was in perfect conflict with the outrageous and unusual things he was usually saying.

[soapbox]
I have a theory that all comedy comes from irony, the difference between expected reality and actual reality. When we were developnig as a survival culture we had to create a perspective that let us understand the world around us, and this perspective was constantly changing with all of the new data we gathered. When there is a difference between expected reality and actual reality, for a split second our survival instinct steps in and we become afraid. When we find out that the abnormality in reality is non-dangerous and is so non-dangerous that it is absurd to be afraid of that thing, we feel a great sense of relief and we laugh at ourselves for letting our survival instinct take over in an unneccessary circumstance. This is the source of comedy, essentially us laughing at ourselves for going into survival mode due to a difference between expected reality and actual reality that is not worthy of promoting such fear. So when we see and hear Cornfed's voice, we expect him to act and speak in a certain way. When we register what actually comes out of his mouth, and it does not fit with our expectations, our survival instincts are activated for a split second and then released and we think we are laughing at Cornfed when we are actually laughing at ourselves for our fear of the unknown.
[/soapbox]

Yes, Cornfed rules. ;D

[DarthToad]

BladeStarr said:

Yes I know. His deadpan delivery style was in perfect conflict with the outrageous and unusual things he was usually saying.

[soapbox]
I have a theory that all comedy comes from irony, the difference between expected reality and actual reality. When we were developnig as a survival culture we had to create a perspective that let us understand the world around us, and this perspective was constantly changing with all of the new data we gathered. When there is a difference between expected reality and actual reality, for a split second our survival instinct steps in and we become afraid. When we find out that the abnormality in reality is non-dangerous and is so non-dangerous that it is absurd to be afraid of that thing, we feel a great sense of relief and we laugh at ourselves for letting our survival instinct take over in an unneccessary circumstance. This is the source of comedy, essentially us laughing at ourselves for going into survival mode due to a difference between expected reality and actual reality that is not worthy of promoting such fear. So when we see and hear Cornfed's voice, we expect him to act and speak in a certain way. When we register what actually comes out of his mouth, and it does not fit with our expectations, our survival instincts are activated for a split second and then released and we think we are laughing at Cornfed when we are actually laughing at ourselves for our fear of the unknown.
[/soapbox]

Yes, Cornfed rules. ;D

Yes, I must agree that pie is good. Especially pumpkin pie. Or maybe pie pie. Or maybe even glass shard pie. Yum.

[Hucklebubba]

Nobody bloviates like Bladestarr.

[bladestarr]

And how! ;D

[DarthToad]

How do you think he does it / I don't know / What makes him so good / even on my favorite thread / he can beat my best / his forumgoers lead him in / and he just does the rest / he's got crazy typing fingers / never seen him bawl / that big purple alien kid / sure plays a mean threadball / He's a posting wizard

Whoa, cartoon one-liners to Who parodies.

I'm going to have to think of some Space Ghost quotes. I haven't seen that show in a long long time.

But a real quote:

That dude from Clone High: Damnit! I haven't been to the Olive Garden in like, forever!

[PoolMan]

DarthToad said:

That dude from Clone High: Damnit! I haven't been to the Olive Garden in like, forever!

Hahaha... I saw Clone High like once, but it was disturbingly funny.

[Hucklebubba]

DarthToad said:

How do you think he does it / I don't know / What makes him so good / even on my favorite thread / he can beat my best / his forumgoers lead him in / and he just does the rest / he's got crazy typing fingers / never seen him bawl / that big purple alien kid / sure plays a mean threadball / He's a posting wizard

Does he post by sense of smell?


On a slightly different tangent, Bladestarr's musings about why irony works have inspired me to come up with my own comedy-based philosophical discussion question. Here goes:

[The Question]Is there any room left in today's society for happy-go-lucky, slapstick-type humor, or have we completely converted to a comedy doctrine of sarcasm, satire, and biting social commentary?[/The Question]

My personal opinion--no doubt swayed by my bias towards the dry disciplines--is that goofball humor is not entirely obsolete, but is about as close as one can get and still be considered relevant.

[puggyd]

Ah yes, "Clone High":

Tom Green: "So some of you may have been mean to a kid with ADD. That's not cool. Coffee? Anyone for - coffee anyone? All right, sorry. I like cotton candy. Check out my muscle. Potato chips. It's a Ferris wheel. So I guess what I'm trying to say is - plastic bag. Plastic bag. Plastic bag. Plastic bag. Plastic bag. Plastic bag."

Principal Scudworth: "When life gives you lemons, you clone those lemons and make SUPER lemons."

Abe Lincoln: "Have you ever been so attracted to someone that you're afraid you'll blurt out something stupid?"
Joan of Arc: "I have a rash on my back."

JFK: "Ponce, wake up. I know you're not really dead. Stand up or I'll SOCK YOU ONE. [punches Ponce de Leon] Oh my God, I just KILLED MY DEAD FRIEND."

JFK: "Nothing bad ever happens to the Kennedys."

Talking Peanut: "Hi'o, Guvna's. I'd shake your hands, but, you know, peanut arms."

Abe Lincoln: "It's just not snowflake day without a lamb taco."

[DocD83]

[The Question]Is there any room left in today's society for happy-go-lucky, slapstick-type humor, or have we completely converted to a comedy doctrine of sarcasm, satire, and biting social commentary?[/The Question]

I still like the occasional bit of slapstick. Not everything funny has to be intellectually stimulating. Think of the Three Stooges and how popular they still are...or that episode of the Simpsons where Sideshow Bob steps on rakes.

[PoolMan]

DocD83 said:

that episode of the Simpsons where Sideshow Bob steps on rakes.

...complete with requisite, hard-to-spell grumble, of course.