Post by Hucklebubba on Nov 5, 2003 3:08:37 GMT -5
(What follows comes from an e-mail I composed in the wee hours, and sent out to a bunch of my friends. I'm sharing it with all of you, because I can, by golly.)
It's time once again for another thrilling (humor me.) installment of "Judging a Book by its Cover!"
For those of you who don't remember the one other time I did this, here's the drill: I glance at books in the store where I work, and formulate reviews based entirely on what I see on the cover. That's it! (Okay, I might occasionally read the summary on the back, or flip to a random bit of text.)
It's all very biased and fact-ignoring, so you can just pretend you're reading a CNN press release.
Enough! To the reviews!
Criticism: Friend or Foe? by Doug Murren
I actually read a snippet or two of this one, (1 snippet = .7 dabs.) and while there were some good points to be had, parts of what I read smelled faintly of Smalleyism.
What is Smalleyism, I imagine you asking? Smalleyism is a term of my own partial invention (Inspired by SNL character Stuart Smalley.) used to indicate a certain sect of pop psychology. Said sect subscribes to the belief that the key to true happiness and lemon freshity lies in repeatedly telling yourself how keen you are. Bleah. And again I say Bleah.
Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey
Possible things this book could've contained, instead of 8 jillion pages of Financial Wisdom.(tm):
1. A hollow interior, concealing a ski mask and a small handgun.
2. A single thick page, which reads, "Spend less than you earn."
Dejados Atras by Senor Tim Lahaye
Thanks to Alta Vista's translating feature, I've learned that what should be the Spanish version of Left Behind, is in fact a book titled Lazy Butt. Seriously. "Atras" does mean "behind," but not in the proper context, and "dejados" just plain means "lazy," no context necessary. Somebody made a whoopsie. Ah, well. In my estimation, it couldn't have happened to a more deserving series.
My Faith is Taking Me Someplace. Are You On the Road To Nowhere? by Andrew Merrit
No way, hip daddy-o. I'm on a fast train to Coolsville.
The Trouble With Jesus by Zoooooooop
I've forgotten who the author is, and I don't wanna look it up.
However, my lack of studiousness notwithstanding, this is one of the most valid and serious (And therefore, unfortunately not joke-ready.) books on my list. It deals with how most people don't mind the notion of God, so long as you don't give him any absolute characteristics.
It also dares to call the post-9/11, Jesus-free God-craze "paganism masquerading under the guise of patriotic solidarity." (Approximate quote.) Zounds! Isn't that borderline treason? I like it. It makes me feel somehow naughty.
180 Devotional by Boy-oy-oy-oing
The "180" in 180 devotional stands for the following:
1 = One of something.
8 = Eight of something else. (It explains on the back, but I done went and forgotted.)
0 = Taking the "Zero Pledge."
This mysterious "Zero Pledge" was never explained in the brief summary I read, but I'll bet you eleventeen fwillion mcjillion imaginary dollars that it has something to do with sex. If I had a farm, I'd bet that too.
Why am I so confident? Simple. Writing a teen-centric book that doesn't address sex in some fashion is forbidden under pain of death. (Books such as Buying Your First Car and The Teen Book That Has No Mention of Sex Whatsoever are not excluded from this rule.)
Assorted Crap by Roberts Liardon
But you can just call him Bobs.
That title is meant to represent his combined works, and is not actually the name of one of his books. If it was, I might like him a little better.
Anyway, Roberts, whom I will henceforth refer to as just "Robert," because his weird name plurality bothers me, is one of those "Jesus wants to make you rich and successful, but he wants you to make me rich and successful first." types. He claims to have been taken up into Heaven when he was little, whereupon he had a water fight with Jesus in the River of Life. I'm not making any of this up. Ol' Rob does enough of that for both of us.
Alternative Medicine: The Christian Handbook by Donal O'Mathuna
I checked this book out for two reasons:
1. It's Ancient Tome-sized. (Really big.)
2. Some days, I just want to feel like a hippie.
This book analyzes various forms of alternative medicine, and separates the quackery from the mildly effective semi-quackery. It also lists warnings about spiritually questionable remedies, such as Reiki, shamanism, and necromancy.
I've selected some herbs from the book, which I will now discuss with you:
Bilberry
I have no idea what it is, or what it does, and quite frankly, I couldn't care less. What's important to me is that it looks like a hobbit last name.
Creatine
A favorite supplement of body builders and football players, Creatine plays an important role in the creation of farts which are deadly to all forms of life.
Shark Cartilage
Shark Cartilage is used to identify and quarantine people who are actually willing to eat the cartilage of a shark.
Honeybee Venom
See also: Shark Cartilage.
It's time once again for another thrilling (humor me.) installment of "Judging a Book by its Cover!"
For those of you who don't remember the one other time I did this, here's the drill: I glance at books in the store where I work, and formulate reviews based entirely on what I see on the cover. That's it! (Okay, I might occasionally read the summary on the back, or flip to a random bit of text.)
It's all very biased and fact-ignoring, so you can just pretend you're reading a CNN press release.
Enough! To the reviews!
Criticism: Friend or Foe? by Doug Murren
I actually read a snippet or two of this one, (1 snippet = .7 dabs.) and while there were some good points to be had, parts of what I read smelled faintly of Smalleyism.
What is Smalleyism, I imagine you asking? Smalleyism is a term of my own partial invention (Inspired by SNL character Stuart Smalley.) used to indicate a certain sect of pop psychology. Said sect subscribes to the belief that the key to true happiness and lemon freshity lies in repeatedly telling yourself how keen you are. Bleah. And again I say Bleah.
Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey
Possible things this book could've contained, instead of 8 jillion pages of Financial Wisdom.(tm):
1. A hollow interior, concealing a ski mask and a small handgun.
2. A single thick page, which reads, "Spend less than you earn."
Dejados Atras by Senor Tim Lahaye
Thanks to Alta Vista's translating feature, I've learned that what should be the Spanish version of Left Behind, is in fact a book titled Lazy Butt. Seriously. "Atras" does mean "behind," but not in the proper context, and "dejados" just plain means "lazy," no context necessary. Somebody made a whoopsie. Ah, well. In my estimation, it couldn't have happened to a more deserving series.
My Faith is Taking Me Someplace. Are You On the Road To Nowhere? by Andrew Merrit
No way, hip daddy-o. I'm on a fast train to Coolsville.
The Trouble With Jesus by Zoooooooop
I've forgotten who the author is, and I don't wanna look it up.
However, my lack of studiousness notwithstanding, this is one of the most valid and serious (And therefore, unfortunately not joke-ready.) books on my list. It deals with how most people don't mind the notion of God, so long as you don't give him any absolute characteristics.
It also dares to call the post-9/11, Jesus-free God-craze "paganism masquerading under the guise of patriotic solidarity." (Approximate quote.) Zounds! Isn't that borderline treason? I like it. It makes me feel somehow naughty.
180 Devotional by Boy-oy-oy-oing
The "180" in 180 devotional stands for the following:
1 = One of something.
8 = Eight of something else. (It explains on the back, but I done went and forgotted.)
0 = Taking the "Zero Pledge."
This mysterious "Zero Pledge" was never explained in the brief summary I read, but I'll bet you eleventeen fwillion mcjillion imaginary dollars that it has something to do with sex. If I had a farm, I'd bet that too.
Why am I so confident? Simple. Writing a teen-centric book that doesn't address sex in some fashion is forbidden under pain of death. (Books such as Buying Your First Car and The Teen Book That Has No Mention of Sex Whatsoever are not excluded from this rule.)
Assorted Crap by Roberts Liardon
But you can just call him Bobs.
That title is meant to represent his combined works, and is not actually the name of one of his books. If it was, I might like him a little better.
Anyway, Roberts, whom I will henceforth refer to as just "Robert," because his weird name plurality bothers me, is one of those "Jesus wants to make you rich and successful, but he wants you to make me rich and successful first." types. He claims to have been taken up into Heaven when he was little, whereupon he had a water fight with Jesus in the River of Life. I'm not making any of this up. Ol' Rob does enough of that for both of us.
Alternative Medicine: The Christian Handbook by Donal O'Mathuna
I checked this book out for two reasons:
1. It's Ancient Tome-sized. (Really big.)
2. Some days, I just want to feel like a hippie.
This book analyzes various forms of alternative medicine, and separates the quackery from the mildly effective semi-quackery. It also lists warnings about spiritually questionable remedies, such as Reiki, shamanism, and necromancy.
I've selected some herbs from the book, which I will now discuss with you:
Bilberry
I have no idea what it is, or what it does, and quite frankly, I couldn't care less. What's important to me is that it looks like a hobbit last name.
Creatine
A favorite supplement of body builders and football players, Creatine plays an important role in the creation of farts which are deadly to all forms of life.
Shark Cartilage
Shark Cartilage is used to identify and quarantine people who are actually willing to eat the cartilage of a shark.
Honeybee Venom
See also: Shark Cartilage.
) asking me to give them money.
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