I just found out...

[penguinslovedw]

I just found out my Grandpa Ted is dead. Like less than a minute ago.
I don't like to swear, but he was a spoiled, selfish, formerly alcoholic bastard with smoker's lung. He had diabetes and my Grandma spent years trying to keep him healthy but he treated her like crap or just ignored her. But he sent me $25 for my birthday and Christmas every year without fail, and this past time he sent the card late, but it came with the message inside "See, I didn't forget, I remembered."
I couldn't stand being around him. At best I should feel nothing, if not downright relief that it's over. But why do I feel so sad when I barely knew him? I feel awful and miserable and I can't concentrate on anything I was thinking of writing before I got the news a couple minutes ago. I don't want to cry and I don't want to see my dad cry but it looks like it's going to happen anyway. I'm angry about the fact that he's died so close to my little brother's high school graduation, like he wanted one last bit of attention; and I know it's ridiculous and stupid to feel angry about it because it's not like he could choose when to die. I feel guilty and not guilty at the same time for not feeling the way I should or maybe shouldn't feel about the death of a grandparent. I don't know how to comfort my Grandma, because even though he was a awful, she still loved him and she's been through the wringer and I love her a lot.
I know this is a lot I'm putting out there, but does anyone have any words of advice? Anything would be appreciated.
Thank you for your time and for reading this.

[bladestarr]

Know first that everything that you are feeling is normal. People are complicated creatures, and we all react differently to the same stimulus.

Know second that you knew one slice of your grandfather, one little piece of who he was. You saw what you saw, and your experiences with him are different than anyone else's. Others may have had different experiences than you have, like your grandmother who felt differently about him.

Know third that the true character of a person is NEVER reflected in one person's opinions and experiences of him/her. Instead, it is a combination of the opinions and experiences of everyone that he/she has ever touched along with what he/she felt about him/herself. This part, this most important part, you will never know.

Know fourth that whatever you may be feeling, be it anger, pain, regret, sorrow, pity, or shame... it is the result of the one slice of that person that you experienced. Of course you will react in this way if it reflects your experiences with the person, it is perfectly normal.

In my opinion, you should not try to console your grandmother right now, because I do not think that you knew him in the way that she did, and so anything that you would say about him given that you probably don't want to hurt her feelings would be inauthentic.

Instead, I would say when the time is right (and you will have to feel this out for yourself) that you should talk with your grandmother and ask her about your grandfather. Ask her all of the stories about him, from the first moment they met to his last breath. Try to learn and to see him through her eyes.

When you have done that, when you have seen a bigger slice of the person who has passed, then you will be closer to the real truth of who that person was. You will never really know the full truth, but you will be closer, and you will understand better.

We all exist with faults, flaws, virtues, and gifts. No one is truly a monster, and no one is truly a saint, we all exist within shades of gray. Try to understand his shade, and I think that while you may not necessarily be a happier person for it, you will be able to move on and will be able to put behind you some of the negativity that he may have left you with.

[Head Mutant]

For your grandma, you just need to be in the mindset that you're comforting her for her, not because it will -- in any way -- make you feel better or ease your own grieving process. She's right now facing a future that will be filled with loneliness, and that's another layer of hurt on top of everything else. So just try to make an effort to let her know you're always available to talk (or just listen), to spend some more time with her than you normally would, and to rally your family around her.

Do not focus in any way on how horrid your grandfather was to her, especially in front of her. The past is the past, and that can only bring her more pain.

As for you... like Westley said, people are complex. I didn't cry at the news of my grandfather's death, even though I loved him quite a bit. Yet a couple months later, when I heard the pastor who baptized me as a baby and who was there for my family when I was a kid passed away, I couldn't stop crying. I think there's more connections in your mind to that person than you might consciously realize, and if you feel sad or any other emotion over all this, just give yourself permission to feel that way without knowing exactly why. Your mind might know better than you in this case.

I'm sorry for your loss, good and bad it might be. I did a funeral a month ago for an old lady who was pretty much reviled by her children. They had nothing good to say about her when I was collecting stories for her service, and it took a lot of persistence to get a few good tidbits out of them that I could share to others. Yet when we went through the service, her kids cried the loudest and hardest. Take that for what it's worth.

[TheLuckyOne]

I'm sorry to hear that, DW. You have my condolences.

I'm afraid I can't bring any insight beyond what's already been said by Wes and Justin. Emotions are just tricky, unpredictable things. My wife and I both cried when our first pet rabbit died, and we'd had him less than a month; in contrast, while I teared up when I said goodbye to my grandmother at her hospital bed, I didn't cry when I learned she had finally died or at her funeral. I certainly didn't love my grandmother less than a rabbit, that's just how we work sometimes. I think a lot of it has to do with how those around us react, as a lot of our own sadness is (consciously or unconsciously) derived from the perceived feelings of loss from others. If you didn't much care for your grandfather but feel like your grandmother will be lost without him, your sadness may stem partially from your empathy for her.

Again, I'm very sorry for your loss. Hang in there.

-D

[bladestarr]

and to rally your family around her.

I would say this is VERY important. Because even if you have no kind words for your grandfather, your grandmother still needs to know that she's not completely alone, and others may be able to comfort her in ways that you might not be able to.

motions are just tricky, unpredictable things. My wife and I both cried when our first pet rabbit died, and we'd had him less than a month; in contrast, while I teared up when I said goodbye to my grandmother at her hospital bed, I didn't cry when I learned she had finally died or at her funeral. I certainly didn't love my grandmother less than a rabbit, that's just how we work sometimes.

This does bring up a good point, and is very true. For another example, I was stone dry watching 9/11 happen. I felt almost nothing, to be honest. But I bawled like a baby when I was watching the news reports about Space Shuttle Columbia. If emotions made logical sense, they wouldn't be emotions.