Post by dex on Dec 12, 2008 19:49:12 GMT -5
(In a producer's office.)
“Bill, I saw the rough cut and the bikini scene was missing. What happened?”
“Well... There is none, sir.”
“Hahaha! You kill me! ... Wait, are you serious? There must be a scene with Biel!”
“Well, she's a naval officer, you see, professional pilot, tough missions and all. They wear uniforms, sir.”
“ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FEEBLE LITTLE MIND?! What'd we get the babe for? Where'd Top Gun be if they'd kept their clothes on? Tell me, Bill, where?!”
“Er...”
“How many times do I have to tell you: We don't make no movies here, we shoot footage for trailers! What do you want our promotion to look like – olive drab? You want it to look like The Great Escape, Bill?”
“No sir, I mean... but... the script...”
“I don't need no stinking script to strip a girl! Just put her on some beach or whatever!”
“Yessir! Right away, sir!”
“And throw in some pecs! Can't be sexist, you know.”
This scene is all you need to know in order to understand Stealth. Ms. Biel's marginal exploitation itself is not the point but it indicates the movie's foolproof formula of sleek looks targeting teenage boys. They say foolproof systems provoke ever greater foolishness. This time, the producers overstretched their tried and tested formula and managed to waste a nine figure budget. There's your final verdict right there: Stealth is not a really bad movie. It's not painful to sit through. But the script takes the audience for fools, and beats up common sense until it needs surgery and therapy.
Do you need a summary? 'Kay. Recruitment vid– er, I mean Top Gun meets Short Circuit. A girl, her tentative love interest, and the token “ethnic”/black guy as comic relief. However, Ally Sheedy impressed me more than Kara (Jessica Biel. In all fairness, back in the 80ies, I was much shorter and more impressionable), Steve Guttenberg was cooler than Ben (Josh Lucas), and Fisher Stevens goofier than Henry (Jamie Foxx). The robot, when hit by lightning (Yes, really! It's *bzzzt* and Number Five is alive!) turns bad, instead of good. Why yes, the killbot is good at the outset. “Combat[ting] the mounting threat of terrorism,” the helpful title cards explain.
The human threesome constitutes the entirety of an elite world police naval air force anti-terrorism unit equipped with “most experimental [I'll say!] technology.” It's set “in the near future.” Well, maybe not so very near, because some tectonic drift would help align reality with the geography implied by their flight plans. They drive some transformer fighters that look like Command & Conquer from most sides and Klingon Birds of Prey from below.
Hot Shot Pilot Life is good. Then an oh-so-shady conspiracy (really merely a two men's career move by Lt. Cmdr. Block– Gah! Wrong movie again. Sorry.) forces them to take on an experimental unmanned craft as their fourth wingman. On board: EDI, the intelligent self aware learning computer. Of course, the robot is supposed to be a full cast member, although they have to turn up the manipulative soundtrack a bit more to make us equally emote for him. (He's a drone. Get it? *nudge-nudge*) This mind confined by the prison of his programming (bear with me here) is voiced by... Wentworth Miller of Prison Break fame! Ha! That can't work out now, can it? The humans are appropriately apprehensive for fear of being replaced.
Sam Shepard is their increasingly weaselly commander. The rest of the cast is inconsequential – more so – though you will recognize Miles Dyson from Terminator 2. And I do love Techie Tim, the stoned hippie. I bet he's wearing Birkenstocks off screen.
Oh right, the summary: CGI aircraft and landscapes at ludicrous... er, make that hypersonic speeds and explosions. Or rather, EXPLOSIONS!!! Let's quickly pick three scenes to predict character arcs. 1: Josh makes out with a girl who is crudely depicted as a bimbo, while Kara (solo) is not amused. Arcs converging. Scattering of overacting, temperatures slightly rising. 2: A training, well no, study montage! Woohoo! And what a crescendo: Ben studying in his cabin. Nothing much here. White bread. Kara studying in her cabin. Wiggling her butt. And Henry: studying while dancing to funky music, goofing off and spinning a basketball! Whoa, slow down there! I get dizzy above 2.3 clichés per second. So, token black guy. Need more input – 3: Henry chasing a random skirt, and... she falls for him! (Wow, I gotta take down that pick up line.) Plus he's wearing a red shirt! That's it. You're not much longer for this mortal coil, brother! Can I have your stereo? And when he does go, by the way, it looks more like his time is simply up; it doesn't follow from what we see of the flight maneuver. Oops, spoiler.
I should say something about 2001, for it's been named as a major influence and EDI is supposed to channel HAL. And I say this: let's not go there. Nothing good can come out of it. Just this much: No one claims Stealth should have been exactly like 2001. More action? Absolutely! Some cheesiness? Bring it on! But on top of that, what could a SF author have done with that material? Learning and evolution. Man, machine and war. Life, the universe and everything...
At least one intelligent idea is clearly stated: Ben argues human soldiers shouldn't be removed too far from their victims. The violent solution becomes too easy and therefore tempting if EDI does all the dirty work. True, but: the humans' conventional surgical strikes are promoted as very tidy. That's already as easy as it gets. Henry's non-sequitur qualms about dropping bombs on “beautiful earth” aren't convincing. More likely he believes that's a suave line for the lady (see scene #3 above).
I know, I couldn't have picked an easier target. But it's fun to bash Stealth! Can you tell? However, I'm now done with that, mostly, and will henceforth tell you how to enjoy this movie. For Stealth is so bad indeed that it's good. So I give you... Stealth The Drinking Game! Trust me, it's better this way. Get some booze and have one drink
Empty rest of bottle if you catch when they signal the sequel.
“Bill, I saw the rough cut and the bikini scene was missing. What happened?”
“Well... There is none, sir.”
“Hahaha! You kill me! ... Wait, are you serious? There must be a scene with Biel!”
“Well, she's a naval officer, you see, professional pilot, tough missions and all. They wear uniforms, sir.”
“ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FEEBLE LITTLE MIND?! What'd we get the babe for? Where'd Top Gun be if they'd kept their clothes on? Tell me, Bill, where?!”
“Er...”
“How many times do I have to tell you: We don't make no movies here, we shoot footage for trailers! What do you want our promotion to look like – olive drab? You want it to look like The Great Escape, Bill?”
“No sir, I mean... but... the script...”
“I don't need no stinking script to strip a girl! Just put her on some beach or whatever!”
“Yessir! Right away, sir!”
“And throw in some pecs! Can't be sexist, you know.”
This scene is all you need to know in order to understand Stealth. Ms. Biel's marginal exploitation itself is not the point but it indicates the movie's foolproof formula of sleek looks targeting teenage boys. They say foolproof systems provoke ever greater foolishness. This time, the producers overstretched their tried and tested formula and managed to waste a nine figure budget. There's your final verdict right there: Stealth is not a really bad movie. It's not painful to sit through. But the script takes the audience for fools, and beats up common sense until it needs surgery and therapy.
Do you need a summary? 'Kay. Recruitment vid– er, I mean Top Gun meets Short Circuit. A girl, her tentative love interest, and the token “ethnic”/black guy as comic relief. However, Ally Sheedy impressed me more than Kara (Jessica Biel. In all fairness, back in the 80ies, I was much shorter and more impressionable), Steve Guttenberg was cooler than Ben (Josh Lucas), and Fisher Stevens goofier than Henry (Jamie Foxx). The robot, when hit by lightning (Yes, really! It's *bzzzt* and Number Five is alive!) turns bad, instead of good. Why yes, the killbot is good at the outset. “Combat[ting] the mounting threat of terrorism,” the helpful title cards explain.
The human threesome constitutes the entirety of an elite world police naval air force anti-terrorism unit equipped with “most experimental [I'll say!] technology.” It's set “in the near future.” Well, maybe not so very near, because some tectonic drift would help align reality with the geography implied by their flight plans. They drive some transformer fighters that look like Command & Conquer from most sides and Klingon Birds of Prey from below.
Hot Shot Pilot Life is good. Then an oh-so-shady conspiracy (really merely a two men's career move by Lt. Cmdr. Block– Gah! Wrong movie again. Sorry.) forces them to take on an experimental unmanned craft as their fourth wingman. On board: EDI, the intelligent self aware learning computer. Of course, the robot is supposed to be a full cast member, although they have to turn up the manipulative soundtrack a bit more to make us equally emote for him. (He's a drone. Get it? *nudge-nudge*) This mind confined by the prison of his programming (bear with me here) is voiced by... Wentworth Miller of Prison Break fame! Ha! That can't work out now, can it? The humans are appropriately apprehensive for fear of being replaced.
Sam Shepard is their increasingly weaselly commander. The rest of the cast is inconsequential – more so – though you will recognize Miles Dyson from Terminator 2. And I do love Techie Tim, the stoned hippie. I bet he's wearing Birkenstocks off screen.
Oh right, the summary: CGI aircraft and landscapes at ludicrous... er, make that hypersonic speeds and explosions. Or rather, EXPLOSIONS!!! Let's quickly pick three scenes to predict character arcs. 1: Josh makes out with a girl who is crudely depicted as a bimbo, while Kara (solo) is not amused. Arcs converging. Scattering of overacting, temperatures slightly rising. 2: A training, well no, study montage! Woohoo! And what a crescendo: Ben studying in his cabin. Nothing much here. White bread. Kara studying in her cabin. Wiggling her butt. And Henry: studying while dancing to funky music, goofing off and spinning a basketball! Whoa, slow down there! I get dizzy above 2.3 clichés per second. So, token black guy. Need more input – 3: Henry chasing a random skirt, and... she falls for him! (Wow, I gotta take down that pick up line.) Plus he's wearing a red shirt! That's it. You're not much longer for this mortal coil, brother! Can I have your stereo? And when he does go, by the way, it looks more like his time is simply up; it doesn't follow from what we see of the flight maneuver. Oops, spoiler.
I should say something about 2001, for it's been named as a major influence and EDI is supposed to channel HAL. And I say this: let's not go there. Nothing good can come out of it. Just this much: No one claims Stealth should have been exactly like 2001. More action? Absolutely! Some cheesiness? Bring it on! But on top of that, what could a SF author have done with that material? Learning and evolution. Man, machine and war. Life, the universe and everything...
At least one intelligent idea is clearly stated: Ben argues human soldiers shouldn't be removed too far from their victims. The violent solution becomes too easy and therefore tempting if EDI does all the dirty work. True, but: the humans' conventional surgical strikes are promoted as very tidy. That's already as easy as it gets. Henry's non-sequitur qualms about dropping bombs on “beautiful earth” aren't convincing. More likely he believes that's a suave line for the lady (see scene #3 above).
I know, I couldn't have picked an easier target. But it's fun to bash Stealth! Can you tell? However, I'm now done with that, mostly, and will henceforth tell you how to enjoy this movie. For Stealth is so bad indeed that it's good. So I give you... Stealth The Drinking Game! Trust me, it's better this way. Get some booze and have one drink
- for every line of obvious philosophical or metaphysical rubbish. Extra drink if you thought the ménage à trois-quip was a red herring for a happy ending.
- every time physics is the elephant in the room. (Don't be too strict here or you're a goner.)
- for every Significant Eye Contact. Extra drink if you are the last one to call “Awww!” Yeah, it's just so romantic and... suspenseful! (Just grab her already, Josh! What good is your Teen Choice Movie Liplock award if you don't use your powers?!)
- for every line of technobabble. Extra drink if you are the last one to call “triaxilating frequency”.
- when you spot the Waterworld prop. (SPOILER: It's the blimp. No, seriously.)
- For every... no wait. There's plenty more, but it will be more fun if you find out the rest on your own.
Empty rest of bottle if you catch when they signal the sequel.
I specifically refused to watch this film. Friends went and they said "Yeah, you were right." 
