Post by Rett Mikhal on Jun 27, 2009 22:37:57 GMT -5
I'll keep my opinions short and in precise listing. As I did years ago with the first transformers, here is a list of all things I learned from Transformers II.
1. News bots are obviously designed with one thing in mind: what normal features on vehicles (ie treads, tail rotors, jet engines) can be used as an unexpected and awesome weapon? That is cool. I want the job that involves me sitting in an office saying:
"Hey Bill, what if a caterpillar construction vehicle transformed and used its spiked steel treads as twin whips?"
Bill: "I'd say you owned a promotion and a night with Megan Fox!"
"HOORAY!"
2. As mechanical, inorganic, alien life forms, of course the bad guys must resemble animals and BUGS as much as possible. This is an annoying fad that started with the Matrix (which, originally, was a strong metaphor for Nature winning against Technology and eventually turned into LOOK WHAT OUR THREE YEAR OLD DREW LET'S MAKE IT INTO CGI!) I find it distasteful. The autobots are cool. They are mechanical beasts of pure awesome. I have a strong affinity for all things mechanical and an insane hatred for all things organic, so this ROBOTS = BUGS fad has to go. I'm not so sure I like the idea of Devastator (the real one this time) looking like a big beetle the size of a suburb.. but maybe it will grow on me.
3. College is made entirely of beautiful people making suggestive looks at each other in between suggestive body movement and suggestive camera cuts to suggestive places. See what I did there? I SUGGESTED. Somehow I don't think any actual Frat house has a stage ripped from a strip club installed inside with a fresh supply of choreographed sweaty and bronzed women ready to dance upon it whilst educating themselves. But now I know! AND KNOWING IS HALF THE BATTLE.
4. Hot girls like apples and middle aged professors as long as they are not Harrison Ford.
5. Racist stereotypes are necessary, especially if you got the guy who does Spongebob's voice. Did we learn nothing from Jar Jar and those PSP ads? Changing the context of the character DOESN'T change the fact it's a racist stereotype! The bots have crooked, GOLD, FREAKING, TEETH and say such hilarious things as "Watch out, yo" and (5 minutes of inane gibberish babble between Spongebob and Spongebob.) I mean if there's a hell, it's listening to two versions of Spongebob pretending to be ghetto and shouting at each other in high frequency. The worst part is, SPOILER: THEY DON'T DIE! How come mildly racist Jazz got ripped in two but these two Los Angeles Crips wannabes don't get sucked into a giant turbine!?
6. The B-1 Lancer is, in fact, alive and well and dropping massive amounts of bombs at ridiculous speeds.
7. When Autobots get put into Museums they forget how to transform.
8. Somehow women out to seduce you become much more alluring when they're also out to kill you.
9. Frank Welker always WAS and always WILL BE the voice of Soundwave, and more importantly, Megatron.
10. Starscream is such a whiny bitch... but we love him for it!
11. No matter how many things get blown up by random missiles or energy blasts, life continues normally .38 seconds after its over, assuming of course the next missile barrage isn't coming in less than .38 seconds (chances are, it is.)
12. It's perfectly acceptable to drop a random radioactive 10 ton mystery package into a foreign country without anyone's permission. In fact, don't tell your supervisor, it will only make paperwork.
13. All Transformers movies must have a Desert Battle, hilarious Mom moments, and 30% screentime on Megan Fox's assets.
14. If you looked back on the last two hours and can see nothing but explosions and metal on metal, Michael Bay says MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.... What about a story? I liked the first one because of its good setup and surprisingly dramatic moments and some good storytelling (Peter Cullen, we'd be lost without you.) This one puts story and character WAAAAAAY in the backseat for action and special effects. It's a masterpiece of fighting and special effects choreography and wizardry but the story and drama just aren't really... there. At all, even.
15. Still no Tomcats. Jetfire was even in it, this time! Scaled down (or up...) to an SR-71. Boo.
Fun fact: The character of Jetfire (an F-14 to Robot config) was made just to reuse the mold from the VF-1S Veritech, of Robotech fame. He remains the only Transformer with Three Modes (since the Veritech was designed with Three modes: Fighter, Guardian, Battliod).
1. News bots are obviously designed with one thing in mind: what normal features on vehicles (ie treads, tail rotors, jet engines) can be used as an unexpected and awesome weapon? That is cool. I want the job that involves me sitting in an office saying:
"Hey Bill, what if a caterpillar construction vehicle transformed and used its spiked steel treads as twin whips?"
Bill: "I'd say you owned a promotion and a night with Megan Fox!"
"HOORAY!"
2. As mechanical, inorganic, alien life forms, of course the bad guys must resemble animals and BUGS as much as possible. This is an annoying fad that started with the Matrix (which, originally, was a strong metaphor for Nature winning against Technology and eventually turned into LOOK WHAT OUR THREE YEAR OLD DREW LET'S MAKE IT INTO CGI!) I find it distasteful. The autobots are cool. They are mechanical beasts of pure awesome. I have a strong affinity for all things mechanical and an insane hatred for all things organic, so this ROBOTS = BUGS fad has to go. I'm not so sure I like the idea of Devastator (the real one this time) looking like a big beetle the size of a suburb.. but maybe it will grow on me.
3. College is made entirely of beautiful people making suggestive looks at each other in between suggestive body movement and suggestive camera cuts to suggestive places. See what I did there? I SUGGESTED. Somehow I don't think any actual Frat house has a stage ripped from a strip club installed inside with a fresh supply of choreographed sweaty and bronzed women ready to dance upon it whilst educating themselves. But now I know! AND KNOWING IS HALF THE BATTLE.
4. Hot girls like apples and middle aged professors as long as they are not Harrison Ford.
5. Racist stereotypes are necessary, especially if you got the guy who does Spongebob's voice. Did we learn nothing from Jar Jar and those PSP ads? Changing the context of the character DOESN'T change the fact it's a racist stereotype! The bots have crooked, GOLD, FREAKING, TEETH and say such hilarious things as "Watch out, yo" and (5 minutes of inane gibberish babble between Spongebob and Spongebob.) I mean if there's a hell, it's listening to two versions of Spongebob pretending to be ghetto and shouting at each other in high frequency. The worst part is, SPOILER: THEY DON'T DIE! How come mildly racist Jazz got ripped in two but these two Los Angeles Crips wannabes don't get sucked into a giant turbine!?
6. The B-1 Lancer is, in fact, alive and well and dropping massive amounts of bombs at ridiculous speeds.
7. When Autobots get put into Museums they forget how to transform.
8. Somehow women out to seduce you become much more alluring when they're also out to kill you.
9. Frank Welker always WAS and always WILL BE the voice of Soundwave, and more importantly, Megatron.
10. Starscream is such a whiny bitch... but we love him for it!
11. No matter how many things get blown up by random missiles or energy blasts, life continues normally .38 seconds after its over, assuming of course the next missile barrage isn't coming in less than .38 seconds (chances are, it is.)
12. It's perfectly acceptable to drop a random radioactive 10 ton mystery package into a foreign country without anyone's permission. In fact, don't tell your supervisor, it will only make paperwork.
13. All Transformers movies must have a Desert Battle, hilarious Mom moments, and 30% screentime on Megan Fox's assets.
14. If you looked back on the last two hours and can see nothing but explosions and metal on metal, Michael Bay says MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.... What about a story? I liked the first one because of its good setup and surprisingly dramatic moments and some good storytelling (Peter Cullen, we'd be lost without you.) This one puts story and character WAAAAAAY in the backseat for action and special effects. It's a masterpiece of fighting and special effects choreography and wizardry but the story and drama just aren't really... there. At all, even.
15. Still no Tomcats. Jetfire was even in it, this time! Scaled down (or up...) to an SR-71. Boo.
Fun fact: The character of Jetfire (an F-14 to Robot config) was made just to reuse the mold from the VF-1S Veritech, of Robotech fame. He remains the only Transformer with Three Modes (since the Veritech was designed with Three modes: Fighter, Guardian, Battliod).
