Ebert's Little Movie Glossary (Mutated)

[drew]

Last night, in the midst of a long night of not being social, I decided to peruse Ebert's Little Movie Glossary. Being a huge admirer of Roger Ebert, I was disappointed to find that most of the "definitions" were reader submitted. It also appears that a large portion of the catalog is either out-dated or wasn't funny to begin with. The bottom line is that we could do a much better job.

Here's an example from the actual glossary:
Rule of Special Verticality
In movies, ghosts pass through all walls whether they want to or not, no matter what the walls are made of. They never, however, fall through floors.

There you have it. Think of a movie "rule", give it a clever title and provide a few examples if necessary.

Go on. Entertain me.

[StarOpal]

Rule of Extended Fatality
No matter the injury, how potent the poison, or an implanted timed explosive, the subject will always have time and strength for farewells, speeches, one last physically intensive fight, to tie his shoes, or make an omelet.

Rule of Unwise Provocation I
The Villain will never just come straight at the Hero, instead opting to harm his family, friend/partner, and/or pet. Often accompanied with "Bwahaha!" or "Teeheehee! I'm so evil!"

Rule of Unwise Provocation II
The threat level presented by the Hero to the Villain is increased in accordance to his righteous anger (also known as the Bad Ass Principle).

[dex]

Rule of Fatalistic Fatalities

Someone gets injured badly and will almost certainly/probably/possibly die. His friends go to great lenghts to care for him, but only in the emotional sense. As far as actions go, they may or may not call an ambulance and if he's very lucky they might hold a CYA hanky to his entry wound. Rather than search their memory for even one tidbit of first aid, they just wait it out. Will he make it? Inshallah!

[drew]

Apatow Proximity Clause
The quality of a movie bearing Judd Apatow's name in some capacity is directly related to his actual involvement. For example, Apatow as Writer/Director/Producer of Knocked Up and 40-Year Old Virgin bears great success. Apatow as just a producer on Year One and Step Brothers bears disaster.

The Freaks and Geeks Corollary
A script written by a Freaks and Geeks alum can off-set the Apatow Proximity Clause (see: Superbad, Forgetting Sarah Marshall).

Note: Will Ferrell was once funny enough to overcome the Apatow Proximity Clause. This is no longer true.

[drew]

Theory of Vehicular Musical Dis-chord
Two people sharing a vehicle will never enjoy the same genre of music. The only exceptions are ballads recorded from 1974 to 1987 or the pop-rock song from the trailer.

[StarOpal]

Anatomical Evolution
The movie character has evolved to the point where he no longer has arteries in the arms or legs. This mutation allows him or her to be shot or stabbed in the aforementioned appendages without the threat of death or even serious injury. They are also immune to the theory of hydrostatic shock. Unfortunately, this has weakened the lungs to the extent that a minor cough equals sure, and almost instantaneous, death.

Forgivable Romantic Obsession
Subject A becomes infatuated with Subject B. A will find out B's name, place of work, residence, and the residence of B's family and friends through subversive means instead of confronting B through conversation. This will never be seen as "creepy" and B will not experience what scientists refer to as the "Squick Factor." Other acceptable behaviour includes: surveillance, following, and watching B sleep without their knowledge. These actions are accepted as the manifestations of "True Love" as long as there is an eventual confession of A's feelings. In short - True Love means never having to say "restraining order."

[drew]

Regarding movie weddings...

Cinematic Nuptial Freedom
A priest will never object to performing a wedding outside of the church and will allow the bride and groom to read whatever vows they wish. Said priest will also perform marriages for divorcees.

The Holy Order of Vague Christianity
Unless the happy couple is not Christian (which will be a plot point, so you'll know), the wedding will be Christian enough that it is identifiable, but will never quite look like an actual Catholic/Lutheran/Episcopal/etc. ceremony.

The Inevitability of Wedding Incidents
If you happen to be getting married, and notice that you are in a movie, be prepared for something to go wrong. It always does. This is also true of anniversary parties, bar mitzvahs and funerals.

[PoolMan]

We've done lists like this several times before, but dogonnit, I ALWAYS enjoy them!

The Vehicular Explosion Timing Theorem
A vehicle which has been shot or intentionally crashed will not actually blow up until the hero turns and walks away from it.

The Romantic's Lousy Timing Corollary
No matter how close a couple is, how much they trust one another, and how truly in love they are, when one of them is in an innocent but compromising position with a member of the opposite sex, the other will walk in on them. (Modifier: probability of this occurring is directly proportional to the comedic content of the movie in question)

The Infamous L-Shaped Blanket Rule
Any couple lying in bed on their backs will be covered by bedding that will only come to the waist of the male, but will reach all the way to the underarms of the female.

[StarOpal]

Creative First Aid
1. All bleeding wounds can be fixed by tying a bandanna or handkerchief around it. Not only including, but especially, over coats and leather jackets.
2. Pouring alcohol directly into the wound is never a bad idea.
3. Most ailments can be cured by a beautiful woman holding a wet rag to the forehead.
4. Head trauma, such as being knocked out, is of no great importance and does not require a visit to a physician. Operating vehicles, weapons, or heavy machinery will not be impeded.
When all else fails, wait it out. An answer that makes complete sense will drop out of the sky.

Law of Osculation
Contrary to popular belief, a kiss is not just a kiss. Just one holds the power to take two people who "hate each other's guts" and suddenly inspire feelings of "True Love." No matter how awkward or forced the events leading to the instance, or the fact that both people are still the same people.

Law of Canine Survival
Never kill the dog. (See also: Turner and Hooch's Folly)

[drew]

Jul 28, 2009 21:47:43 GMT -5 StarOpal said:

Creative First Aid
1. All bleeding wounds can be fixed by tying a bandanna or handkerchief around it. Not only including, but especially, over coats and leather jackets.

Also, any handkerchief intended to be used as a bandage or tourniquet is exactly twice as large as it needs to be. Thus, it must always be torn in half.

As an aside, I love that the names for all of these "definitions" resemble episode titles for the Big Bang Theory.

[dex]

Jul 28, 2009 16:44:22 GMT -5 PoolMan said:

The Infamous L-Shaped Blanket Rule
Any couple lying in bed on their backs will be covered by bedding that will only come to the waist of the male, but will reach all the way to the underarms of the female.

Yeah, it should be the other way around! For reasons of physics, of course! For maintaining thermal equilibrium. Because gals are hotter than guys.

Wah wah waaaahhh...

The Military Arthritis Phenomenon
Anyone with a passing familiarity with the armed forces knows that the hand should be flat in a formal military salute, yet no one on a movie set does (damn liberals!). Or all military personnel has a severe case of arthritis written into their backstory.

And what about these epic cold opens? They should be a short attention grabber or a prologue, but sometimes they introduce a dozen characters and 5 subplots. Then the title sequence comes so late that you are fully into the movie already and it feels like an intermission. Like the writer didn't know how to structure the script, or they just tried to overwhelm you quickly.

[DarthShady]

The Survival Effect
Especially in the case of slasher-horror films, the more attempted murders/potentially fatal circumstances a character survives, the more likely said character will survive the entire film and, in some cases, go on to survive in the sequels.