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Post by antidrew on Nov 8, 2005 15:50:57 GMT -5
Ooh, ooooh, look at me, look at me everybody, I'm "Drew," a big-shot movie reviewer, and I think I'm oh so superior to Mr. Stephen Sommers, director of the modern horror/adventure MASTERPIECE--that's right, I said MASTERPIECE--Van Helsing!!! Why, I wasn't moved at all by Sommers's riveting script or spectacular direction or even Samuel West's simply STUNNING performance as Dr. Victor Frankenstein, which just happens to be the most vivid reimagining of Mary Shelley's classic creation every commited to film or any other medium!!! Oooh, I'm just going to sit around making cute little witticisms about the film with all of my effette friends as we listen to NPR! That's because I'm "Drew," and I think I'm so $(*&^$ great!!!
"Lucky Man," huh? You're lucky I don't track you down and KICK YOUR PUNK ASS!!!
An Admirer of Mr. Sommers
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Post by duckie on Nov 8, 2005 15:56:01 GMT -5
It looks like we found the one fan of Van Helsing! psst... effette is spelled with one T  |
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Post by pfrsue on Nov 8, 2005 15:58:51 GMT -5
Drew: Not just great. He's $(*&^$ great!!!
Dude, you get the coolest fanmail!
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Post by Spiderdancer on Nov 8, 2005 15:59:38 GMT -5
This post is actually from "antishalen."
And it's obvious that Mister Drew paid NO attention to Sommers' stunning use of metaphor. He didn't even NOTICE that the horses soaring across the gully in defiance of all natural laws symbolize the triumph of the human spirit. Or the use of Frankenstein's monster as a fundamentalist indicating the death of religion in modern life. It makes me sick.
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Post by Head Mutant on Nov 8, 2005 16:03:25 GMT -5
Also, he picks his nose.
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Post by TheLuckyOne on Nov 8, 2005 16:27:59 GMT -5
...Jack?
-D
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Post by TheOogieBoogieMan on Nov 8, 2005 17:23:23 GMT -5
Serves you right, Drew. I mean, who are you to express a negative opinion about something? You punk ass! I find it funny that Drew is singled out, cause it seems to me that Lissa and Kyle didn't like the movie either. |
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Post by pfrsue on Nov 8, 2005 17:38:50 GMT -5
I find it funny that Drew is singled out, cause it seems to me that Lissa and Kyle didn't like the movie either. Yes, but Lissa has a black belt and raging hormonal fluxuations. And Kyle is scary in his own special way.  |
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Post by TheLuckyOne on Nov 8, 2005 22:06:51 GMT -5
Yes, but Lissa has a black belt and raging hormonal fluxuations. And Kyle is scary in his own special way. I ask you, what kind of a world do we live in where a punk kid from Jersey is less feared than a pregnant woman and a California beach bum? 'Taint right, I tell ya. As for the antidrew, I ask you all not to scorn this sad individual with harsh words, but rather to look on him with pity rather than contempt... for, as my opposite number, he truly must lead an uncharmed life indeed. Please, be on the lookout for a tan, unathletic, dark-haired individual who can't get a date; and if you find him, toss him a quarter, won't you? -D |
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Post by bladestarr on Nov 8, 2005 23:38:39 GMT -5
WOW, lucky he didn't see MY REVIEW of the movie! ;D |
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Post by stephensommers on Nov 9, 2005 9:29:14 GMT -5
Hello. I'm Stephen Sommers, writer/director of the motion-picture blockbuster Van Helsing. As an avid admirer of Mutant Reviews from Hell, I eagerly devoured the so-called "review" that was posted on the site upon my film's release last year. And as a man of honor, I remained silent upon digesting that foul screed. You see, I was determined—against every natural instinct of a serious artist whose work had been befouled my an incontinent philistine—to avoid dignifying the putrid expulsion with a reply. With this goal in mind, I endured without public comment the months upon months of furor that the hatchet job provoked throughout the film industry. True, many of my colleagues (including one who had just completed the sixth and final installment of his groundbreaking science-fiction epic) urged me to pursue a libel suit against my nemesis-without-a-surname and the site that hosted his degenerate rant. But I reacted merely with polite chuckles and fruitless attempts to change the subject. During press junkets at Sundance, Cannes and elsewhere, I granted interviews only on the precondition that I would not be asked about the attack. (To my shame, I found myself goaded into committing an act of physical violence when an aging reporter for a weekly CBS newsmagazine violated this condition.) Naturally, I was quite relieved when, in early fall of this year, the raging firestorm surrounding the piece finally began to die down into a faint simmer. And it was to my astonishment and horror that I came upon this thread last night and saw that Mr. Antidrew had rekindled a white-hot controversy.
Now I feel that I can hold my tongue no longer.
Mr. Antidrew, I was moved to tears by your heartfelt defense of Van Helsing. The film was indeed a labor of love—I poured my very soul into that work!—and the knowledge that it touched another human being has made all the abuse I've suffered worthwhile. And I am particularly overjoyed at your praise of Samuel West's magnificent performance as Victor Frankenstein! West clearly recognized that it was a once-in-a-lifetime role and forced himself to BECOME that character. The fact that he was totally ignored by the Academy is, perhaps, the most compelling evidence available that Western culture is evil and deserves to be replaced by an Islamic theocracy. Incidentally, it is my belief that Hollywood's well-known institutional racism, directed at Mr. West, is what lay at the heart of the chilly critical reception that greeted the film. (West is one-twelfth Polish.) But I digress.
Like you, Mr. Antidrew, I am saddened that a reputable site such as Mutant Reviews from Hell—one that I have long seen as a veritable oasis of insightful cinematic criticism—would stoop to providing bandwidth to such a shameful smear against me and my work. Moreover, I have often been moved to wonder what sort of person could spew such venomous bile. Who is "Drew"? One of my past sexual conquests, perhaps? It's certain that dozens of my jilted lovers have shared the mysterious reviewer's first name. Some are well-known (a sweet-faced frequent costar of Adam Sandler's and the bespectacled host of a British-born improvisational comedy program are two examples) and some are quite obscure, but they all harbor a desire to regain my amorous attention. Which night of sweaty passion, long forgotten by myself but adamantly cherished by "Drew," could have inspired that rage-filled howl? I must confess that this question haunts me whenever I think of the "review." Furthermore, I'll admit to being plagued by another reaction: outrage and bewilderment that such sickening drivel could be tolerated for one second in our great democracy. Thinking of "Drew"'s handiwork, I'm often swept up in the same emotions I felt years ago when, traveling through the Deep South, I passed by a KKK rally (either that or a bunch of sheets hanging on a laundry line—it was kind of dark). "Why isn't the government putting a stop to this," I wondered, "either by arresting the perpetrators or, preferably, by shooting them on sight?"
But upon reflection, Mr. Antidrew, I am firmly convinced that it is for the best that the preachers of hate in our society—be they Klansmen, Nazis, or "Drews"—be allowed to give vent to their evil ravings. (I know that sounds crazy, but hear me out.) It is my opinion that to provide "Drew" and his cohorts with the swift, deadly justice they so richly deserve would simply make martyrs of them and their demented views. For you see, Mr. Antidrew, "Drew"'s email address—though it belongs to malevolent falsifier who poisons our planet with his deceptions—contains an unwitting truth. I believe that "Drew" truly is a "Lucky One": He is lucky to live in a society that will tolerate him and his kind. And in a way, so are we all! God Bless you, Mr. Antidrew, and GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!!!!!
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Post by Head Mutant on Nov 9, 2005 9:47:14 GMT -5
Good grief, my life is surreal...
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Post by DocD83 on Nov 9, 2005 9:51:31 GMT -5
Hmm, if only I had a tan I'd be getting free money....
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Post by kylerexpop on Nov 9, 2005 10:42:17 GMT -5
this is so unfair!
not the drew getting attacked part. that's fine.
it should be me! i should be receiving all the attention and infamy! me! me! ME!
enjoy it, drew. these are good times for you.
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Post by PoolMan on Nov 9, 2005 11:06:18 GMT -5
I like how the user files on both Antidrew and Mr Sommers both have "undisclosed" genders. I bet they're not even sure!
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