My Application

[bladestarr]

Congratulations to Mike on making it as the next big thing! Now that that's settled, I've decided to post here my application for all to see. What I'm looking for here is constructive criticism, and trust me, I can take it. Don't hold back, I'm looking for anything that you can think of, any reason why I might not have made the cut. Too serious? Too boring? Not funny enough? Whatever you got, lay it on me, I can take it. Here you go!

Name: Westley Howard Bennett
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Preferred Nickname: Westley
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E-mail address: [e-mail]
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Age: 27
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Occupation: Repairman (working on ATMs, cash registers, and other banking systems), Bachelor's of Science in Computer Information Systems
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State/Country: Iowa, USA! USA! USA!
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Website: No current website, just the litter I left all over the web
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My all-time favorite movie: Can't just give you one, so I will have to give you a top three - The Princess Bride, The American President, and Kung Pow: Enter the Fist
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Brief Bio: Raised a Navy brat and lived all over the country, I came to Iowa to goto college and decided that I LIKED staying in one place for a change. Became a huge geek and absorber of all things media. I can make the bio long if you wish, just ask!
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Why I would be a good addition to the staff: I think I have a unique voice, and a unique perspective: I try to give every movie the benefit of the doubt and try to find the author's intent in making it. If they fail in their intent, I have no problem in ripping their movies apart mercilessly. If they meet or exceed their intent, I praise them to high heavens. If they make a blah movie, I just gives me more fun things to nitpick and make fun of!
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What do you feel MRFH is missing or should be changed? I appreciate the real-life stories thrown into most reviews, it gives a good perspective of the author, but I sometimes wish there would be a little more analysis to the reviews, something which I would more than happily provide!
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A list of the first 10 movies you'd love to review if you came on board: Well, my favorite 3 movies of course! Those would have to come first, then probably all of Steve Oedekerk's Thumb Film Parodies (perhaps as a Feature instead of individual articles), a few anime (such as Perfect Blue and Battle Angel), All of the Nightmare on Elm Street films, and I would LOVE to do a series of reviews of the WORST movies that the forum can think of.
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A sample review of a movie (review one we've done on the site, and don't worry about agreeing/disagreeing with our reviews)

Westley's Rating: An Evil Dead salad with Onimusha croutons and a rich Matrix dressing! Yum!
Westley's Review: We begin with two escaped Convicts (no names are given as far as I can remember for any of the characters, interesting), and then Gang 1 shows up. This gang was hired by an unknown Boss to help free the Convicts and presumably take them to safety. However, there is a Girl with them. Apparently an escape is not in the plan, as one of the Convicts, Convict Number Two is quickly deemed unnecessary and dispatched (translation, killed). He comes back to life, and must then be killed again (More on that later).

Anyways, Convict Number One sees the Girl and decides that she was too cute to die, so he pulls some fast moves and gains partial control of the situation, becoming Our Hero. A fight ensues and he runs off with the Girl. Eventually after some hunting and chasing, and Unnecessary Fight Scenes, it is revealed that the forest they are in is the Forest of Resurrection, a special place where the dead can come back to life (albeit as zombies, but hey, whaddya gonna do? fuggedaboutit!). It is also learned that Our Hero and the Girl had met before. Oh, and also the Police come to capture the Convicts, having no clue about what else is going on.

Eventually the Boss shows up. As it turns out, he needs both the Girl and Our Hero as two keys to open a gate of some sort to the Other Side (underworld, dark dimension, whatever). So we now have motive and reason. Apparently this Forest is a portal to the Other Side, and while it does have a crack in it, the Boss needs these two Keys (a Girl with special Resurrection Blood, and a Human Sacrifice) to open the gate fully and receive whatever powers the Unmentioned Dark Lords have promised him.

Now, the Boss meets with Gang 1 to find out where Our Hero and the Girl are. Gang 1 has different plans, because apparently the Boss is a bigwig back home, and the Psycho Gang Leader wants to become that bigwig by killing the Boss. Thus, he calls on Gang 2 to attempt to dispatch the Boss. However, Gang 2 and Gang 1 are no match for a Boss that we learn has mystical powers. Eventually they are all turned into zombies, except for one Gang 1 Scaredy Cat and one Gang 2 Lucky Lady. They escape and harass the Police, who still have no clue what is going on.

WARNING - SPOILERS BEGIN HERE!!! Skip to the second warning if you don't want to be spoiled!

Anyways, more fights and zombie action occurs and the Police prove useless, and everyone is quickly taken down in battles here and there until there are only the Boss, the Girl and (presumably dead from an earlier battle) Our Hero, who promptly comes back to life. You see, the Girl gave her Resurrection Blood to Our Hero, and since it can only be used once, she is now useless to the Boss. Now it comes down to the Boss and Our Hero (of course). They face off (so that the Boss can get the Resurrection Blood from Our Hero) and the Boss reveals that he and Our Hero are actually brothers (of course!) and that this has happened before. Our Hero protected the world from the Boss 500 years ago by killing the Girl and wasting her Resurrection Blood on the ground. So, the Boss had to wait for the Girl to be reincarnated. Thus the rest of the story is revealed.

The Final Battle takes place, and Our Hero wins (of course!!!). All is right in the world, or is it? Flash forward 99 years into the future, and apparently Our Hero has ruined the world and has filled it with Crack-addicted Mutants. The Girl is re-thinking having chosen Our Hero's side, and conveniently the Boss (who is NOW Our Hero?) appears and a fight is about to begin. The end.

Huh???

Well there you go, the whole plot to Versus. You now know how the characters are related, how they got there, and what they were doing. All that leaves is the unanswered 'WHY' questions. But remember, the Japanese love to ponder these questions forever, so why would they give us the answers?

SPOLIERS END HERE!!! KEEP READING AND I WILL TELL YOU YOUR FORTUNE!!!

This movie had an esoteric but simple plot that was fully explained by the end of the movie, but didn't have you guessing because you didn't really care. It plays out like a video game: poor characterizations, basic plot, lots of weirdness, zombies, swordfighting, and lots and LOTS of posing. However, as much as it looks like a video game, it also looks like a B-grade horror movie (like the ones we all know and love). It has poor acting, corny dialogue, Dead Alive video quality with Evil Dead-style makeup effects, and a whole lot of Tarantino-inspired spin cams (oh the hurting, make it stop!).

While the spin cams get annoying very quickly and just make you wish you hadn't eaten that third can of spam, the real cheeser is that there is really very little motive for any of the characters to be there or to act the way they are acting. It is a movie that makes sense plot-wise, but seems mostly to be a demo-reel for the director's portfolio. This way he can hand this off to possible employers and say "Hey, I can do whip-pans! I can do spin-cams, and I can even do zombies on a low budget! Hire me! I'm fancy!" Anyways, it's worth a look, but don't go searching for it. If it was meant to be, it will find you.

Your Fortune: You will soon be harassed by many many exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111!!!!1111!!!!!ELEVENTY-ONE!!!!!!!

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An additional sample of your writing. This can be anything — a school paper, a short story, an article, a Dear John letter — but make it good. We want to get a broad idea of your writing abilities.

If you don't mind another movie related piece of writing, here is an e-mail that I just wrote today -

This e-mail was sent in response to a movie review at the following website:

www.1000misspenthours.com/reviews/reviewsh-m/hellboy.htm

On the whole, I applaud your site and have read many of your reviews. I love your analytical writing style, and appreciate the intelligent comments. However, I need to disagree with you on the movie Hellboy, and I will point out all the places in your review where I think you are wrong. Keep in mind that I'm not a "fanboy", I have not read and do not intend to read any of the Hellboy comics, I'm just a huge fan of the movie, and maybe some of my reactions to your review will give you a few reasons why. For a copy of the script, you can find it at the following webpage for reference:

www.imsdb.com/scripts/Hellboy.html

"Starting at the beginning, Rasputin's efforts to bring the Seven Gods of Chaos to Earth are being conducted, at least initially, at Hitler's instigation. Doesn't it seem to you that the goals of conquering the world by force of arms and ending it with the aid of a club of evil gods are fundamentally incompatible with each other? Rasputin's later activities have a similar internal inconsistency that makes a hash of the whole story."

Yes, there IS an inconsistency between wishing to "rule" the world and wishing to see it destroyed by the Seven Gods. I was suprised that you noticed this but did not notice the obvious answer. Hitler was OBSESSED with the powers of the occult, so he (in reality) sought many items of power to strengthen his "destiny". The answer to your question if you read between the lines is that Rasputin is "using" Hitler to get the machine built to open the portal, probably whispering in his ears words of dark and secret powers. In truth, Rasputin seems to worship these Gods the same way that the Lovecraftian cultists worship their gods. Rasputin doesn't want to rule the world, he wants his Gods to rule it. So this is not a problem with the movie, unless you WANTED it more explicitly stated. At the end, he even told the Nazis his plan when it was too late for them to stop it:

GRIGORI
Tonight, We will open a portal and
awaken the OGDRU JAHAD: The seven
Gods of chaos.
(beat)
Our enemies will be destroyed. In an
instant, all impurity in this world
will be razed and from the ashes a
new eden will arise.

What he didn't tell them is that THEY will probably be destroyed too, as they are "impure" to the Gods. Them seeing themselves as "The Pure Race", they wouldn't have figured this out.

"To wit: we eventually learn that Hellboy is literally the key to his plan. Well if that's so, then would somebody like to explain to me why Rasputin and his agents spend the bulk of the film trying so hard to kill him?"

Because Rasputin KNOWS Hellboy's power... he would never put such an important part of his plan in any real danger, or put Hellboy into a deadly situation that he couldn't get himself out of. The whole purpose of the enemies were to weaken Hellboy both physically and emotionally, then to get his love (Liz) to just the right place at just the right time so that Rasputin could "persuade" Hellboy to open the portal and reach his love.

"And while you're at it, I'd also appreciate it if you could fill me in on why Liz Sherman's final solution to the Sammael question accomplishes anything beyond doubling their already considerable numbers yet again."

Another one I can't believe you didn't pick up on. Sammael's SOUL splits in two, then those two souls enter two of the remaining eggs and hatch into two new Sammaels. The eggs are NEEDED for the souls to be reborn. Thus no eggs, no souls. They had already destroyed/captured all the eggs in the sewers, and the only eggs that were left (presumably) were the ones that Liz toasted. Thus since they were all destroyed at once along with the remaining LIVING Sammaels, no new ones could be born.

"Meanwhile, the BPRD seems awfully undermanned considering its supposed mission. Despite the huge-ass subterranean complex that houses it, it seems to employ nobody except Hellboy, Dr. Bruttenholm, Abe Sapien, and a handful of mostly useless human agents— hardly the sort of outfit I'd want handling the situation in the event of a looming supernatural holocaust!"

Two reasons: the more people involved, the greater chance for a leak of information, AND the number of supernatural threats are relatively small and are almost always on some sort of "plan" (i.e. alignment of the planets, firstborn of a distant relative of Jesus, etc., etc.). There is not alot of very dangerous supernatural evil out there, just mostly annoying noisy ghosts, and the few dangerous ones need time and resources to complete their plans. Well within the abilities of the currently staffed BRPD.

"The climactic struggle against the diabolical deity bonded to Rasputin, meanwhile, is an utter washout, over seemingly before it really gets started."

That's because the "final battle" WASN'T the climax of the movie. With all of the fancy sets and high budget CGI, Hellboy is really the very personal story of the title character; his relationship with his father, his love, and with the world around him. The main theme that opens and closes the story is the question "Bruttenholm: What is it that makes a man a man? Is it his origins, the way he starts his life...or is it something harder to describe?" The answer at the end of the movie is: "John Myers: What makes a man a man? A friend of mine once wondered. Is it his origins? The way he comes to life? I don't think so. It's the choices he makes. Not how he starts things, but how he decides to end them."

And so the climax of the story is when Hellboy was about to open the portal to allow the Seven Gods into our world, and then John tosses him his father's cross, he sees it and pulls his hand out. Then he tears off his horns and shoves one of them into Rasputin. Rasputin says "What have you done!" Then Hellboy says very sternly and very strongly "I chose."

He chose to save the world rather than fulfill his own childish need for love. He chose to grow up, and become a man. That is what this movie was all about, in essence. All of your other criticisms I see as being valid except the ones that I mentioned here.

If you have any questions about my comment, please feel free to e-mail me back.

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Here is a short "piece" I made for the City of Heroes boards called "The Conscience of a Defender", please follow the link to read it.

boards.cityofheroes.com/showflat.php?Cat=0&Board=Defender&Number=8550903&fpart=&PHPSESSID=

And I can also write manual-type things, as you can see at the following links, also CoH board messages:

boards.cityofheroes.com/showflat.php?Cat=0&Board=faq&Number=6665841&fpart=&PHPSESSID=

boards.cityofheroes.com/showflat.php?Cat=0&Board=faq&Number=8197231&fpart=&PHPSESSID=


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*Best Joel Hodgson impersonation* So, what do you think, sirs?

[Head Mutant]

Hey, I had to take off the link to your geocities page -- I'll send you an e-mail about it. However, please feel free to cut and paste your review here, if you like!

[bladestarr]

*bump* Anyone?

[Magill]

Not being a member of the MRFH staff, I can't say what they were looking for. My comments:

-maybe I'm too literal-minded, but if there's a question that says "what are the first 10 movies you would review?" I would give a list of 10 specific films. Not counting all the Nightmare on Elm Street films, you only list 5 specific films. At the very least, it would show that you have a specific plan for your immediate future as a reviewer and won't fall off the face of the planet once you've reviewed your favorite movies.

-I would suggest a different choice for the non-review writing sample. I think something a bit more formal and not pulled of the web would have been helpful (then again, maybe I'm being an old lady shaking my fist at "the internets"). With the specific piece you used, the tone of it just struck a wrong nerve with me. Mostly due to this one sentence: "However, I need to disagree with you on the movie Hellboy, and I will point out all the places in your review where I think you are wrong." That just doesn't sound very fun and doesn't make me want to continue reading your sample.

Don't get me wrong--I'm all for nitpicking and I would love to see more analysis on the technical aspects of acting and filming. In general, the tone of this site seems to be a bit more light-hearted than your second writing sample indicates.

As Dennis Miller used to say, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.

edited to addyou might want to consider pulling your full name and email address off your post.

[pfrsue]

As a member of the MRFH staff, I don't really think it's appropriate for me to make comments about the application evaluation process, except to say that we had an absolute ton of GREAT apps to choose from. The downside to hiring for one staff opening is that we had to disappoint a lot of very worthy people who really impressed us.

So I'll just say, for all of the folks who applied, thank you. You guys rock!

Sue

[duckie]

I think it's obvious where you came up short.... either not enough dirt on the mutants, or too small of a bribe when you sent in your application package. ;D

[bladestarr]

magill said:

edited to addyou might want to consider pulling your full name and email address off your post.

Naw, I'm a glutton for punishment, besides, I'm lonely. I couldn't get a stalker if I TRIED to. Trust me.