Hey, Did You Hear The One About The...

[TheLuckyOne]

Nnnnn... I like that one better when it's Norwegians and Swedes.



Anyway, a shabby-looking man walks into a bar and sits down. He calls the bartender over and says, "I don't have any money, but if I can show you something that you consider truly amazing, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender agrees, so the man reaches into his pocket, takes out a rat, and sets him down on the bar. The bartender is about to protest, but then right before his eyes, the rat stands up on its hind feet and starts tap dancing! Astonished, the bartender asks the man what he wants to drink and serves it to him. When he finishes it, the man says, "If I show you something else truly amazing, will you give me another free drink?" Bartender says, "Buddy, if you show me something even half as incredible as what you did before, you can drink free all night." The man nods, reaches into his other pocket, and pulls out a frog. He sets it down on the bar, and as the bartender watches in awe, the frog starts singing scat! Not only that, but the rat begins dancing right along with the song!

Completely blown away, the bartender starts serving up free drinks as fast as the man can drink them. From the other end of the bar, another guy walks over, introduces himself as a TV producer, and says, "I couldn't help but see your act, and I think it's terrific! How much do you want for the pair of them?" The man smiles but says that they aren't for sale. "All right, then just the rat. I've give you 100 dollars for him." "Oh, I couldn't possibly sell the rat," the man says. "I've had him since I was a young boy. Trained him myself." "Fine, fine, then what about the frog? Come on, 100 dollars! You clearly need the money, just sell him to me." The man looks reluctant, but sighing, he finally agrees. The TV producer leaves the bar looking extremely satisfied, and the man goes back to his drink.

The bartender has kept silent through this entire exchange, but as soon as the TV producer leaves the bar, he explodes at the man. "Are you crazy?! That was the most impressive double act I've ever seen, you could've been rich! Instead you sold half of it for a lousy hundred bucks?" The man smiles, then says to the bartender, "Don't worry about it. Just between you and me, the rat's a ventriloquist."

-D

[synchondrosis]

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"

[TheOogieBoogieMan]

An elderly woman calls the police. She gets an answer and cries out, "My husband is missing! My husband is missing!". The cop on the other end say "Calm down, and tell me what happened." The woman says, "My husband left town for business a week ago! He called me from his hotel to tell me he was coming home three days ago! And he hasn't come home!"

The cop says, "Ok, we'll put out a search for him. Can you give us a description of him?" The woman says, "Well, he's short, and fat, he's got a big nose, he sweats a lot, he spits when he talks, he's flatulent, he smells bad, and...you know what? Never mind!"


222th post...one third evil.

[BDC]

A blonde is driving down the road when she sees another blonde out in a cornfield in a rowboat. She immediately pulls over and screams at the top of her lungs:

"It's blondes like you that give other blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and teach you a lesson!"

[synchondrosis]

lol That's a good one.

Two blondes were walking along and come across a set of tracks. The first says "Deer tracks." The second says "Rabbit tracks!"
"Deer tracks!"
"Rabbit tracks!"
"Deer tracks!"
"Rabbit tracks!"

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

[TheOogieBoogieMan]

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are being chased by a cop. The three run into an alley, which turns out to be a dead end. They see three large burlap sacks, so they each hide in one.

The cop enters the alley and looks around. Then he notices the sacks are moving. He kicks the sack with the redhead in it first, and the redhead says "Meow meow". The cop assumes there is a cat in there and leaves it alone. He then kicks the sack with the brunette in it, and the brunette says "Woof woof". The cop assumes there's a dog in that sack and leaves it alone. He then kicks the sack with the blonde in it, and the blonde says "Potatoes potatoes!"

[Lissa]

What did the blonde say when she opened up the box of Cheerios?

"Oh look! Donut seeds!"

[pfrsue]

Lena dies and her husband Ole calls for an ambulance. The operator says, "We'll be there right away, just give me your address."
"215 Eucalyptus Street."
"Can you spell that for me sir?"
There's a long pause and then Ole says, "How about I just drag her over to Oak Street and you can pick her up there?"

[synchondrosis]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

[TheOogieBoogieMan]

The version of that joke I heard involved the Lone Ranger and Tonto. Anyway...

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead die and go to heaven. They stand before the gates of heaven and are met by St. Peter. St. Peter says, "I will let you three into heaven if one of you can tell me the meaning of Easter."

The brunette goes first. "Easter is a time when kids put on costumes and ask their neighbours for candy." She gets it wrong and is sent to Hell.

The redhead is next. "Easter is a time when families have a big dinner and give thanks for what they have." Wrong also, she is sent to Hell.

The blonde is last. "Easter is the time when Jesus Christ was crucified for the sins of mankind. He was buried in a cave by his followers..." "Go on" says St. Peter. "He comes out of the cave two days later, and if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."

[Magill]

This is similar to what oogieboogie said.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are escaping from jail. They have to open a squeaky door close to a guard station.

The brunette goes first. The guards hear the door squeak and one says "What was that?" The brunette says "meow" and the guards complain about the annoying cat (don't ask my why a jail has a cat roaming about).

The redhead does the same thing, though the guards are a bit more suspicious.

The blonde goes through the door. The guards say "What was that?" The blonde says "It was the cat."

There's also the version where they've escaped jail and are being chased through the woods. They each climb a tree right before the dogs get to them. The dogs bark under the tree the brunette is in and she goes "meow." The guards all assume the dogs are after a cat and go to the next tree. The redhead whistles and the guards think the dogs are barking at a bird. They get to the blonde's tree and she goes "moo!"

I originally heard those 2 jokes as escapes from a POW camp with an American, and Englishman, and a Pole, but I'm not Polish but I used to be blonde, so I feel more comfortable telling blonde jokes.

[TheLuckyOne]

A guy is walking by his daughter's room one night, and he hears her saying her prayers before bed. As he listens, she says, "God bless Mommy and Daddy and Grandma. Good-bye, Grandpa." The guy wonders what she meant by this, and the next day is astonished when his father suffers a heart attack and dies. He's a little freaked out, but eventually convinces himself that it was simply a coincidence. A few weeks later, however, he's again walking by his daughter's door at night when he hears her say, "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Good-bye, Grandma." The man waits breathlessly for the next day, and sure enough- his wife's mother is hit by a car and killed. At this point, the man is seriously frightened. Every night he hides outside his daughter's door, listening to her say her prayers. And then one night, he hears her say the words he's been dreading: "God bless Mommy. Good-bye, Daddy."

Terrified, the man lies awake all night in a panic. In the morning, he gets up at 4:00 and drives into the office to avoid traffic. He sits fearfully in his office all day, barely moving, and doesn't leave his desk to go get lunch. When quitting time comes, he stays exactly where he is, afraid to leave. Finally, as the clock strikes midnight, he breathes an immense sigh of relief and drives home. As soon as he walks in the door, he says to his wife, "Honey, you wouldn't believe the day I've had." "You think you've had a bad day?!" his wife retorts. "This morning, the mailman dropped dead on our doorstep!"

-D

[BDC]

Fella named Bob claims to know everyone. Everyone. One day his boss calls him on it.

"I bet you don't know Tom Cruise," said his boss.

"I sure do," replied Bob. Since they worked for a travel agency, they went to Hollywood. They knocked on Cruise's door, it opened and Tom looked out. "Bob, it's great to see you! Come on in, have something to eat."

Afterwards, the boss looks at him. "I bet you don't know President Bush."

"I sure do," he replied.

They go to DC and wait around outside the White House. The President comes out. "Hey, it's Bob!" he shouts.

The boss thinks a moment. "Fine. But you don't know the Pope."

"I sure do."

They go to Rome. St. Peter Square is FILLED with people and the Pope is on the balcony. Bob shakes hands with one of the Swiss Guard and goes in. He walks out on the balcony and the Pope hugs him.

Suddenly, there's a commotion in the crowd where his boss was standing. He runs down to where the EMTs are tending him.

"What happened?" asked Bob.

"I was fine until some guy looked up at the balcony and said 'Hey, who's that guy with Bob?'"

[duckie]

This came across my email today, thought it was pretty funny... and I'm a liberal

---------------

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The re-election of President Bush is prompting the exodus among leftleaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray and agree with Bill O'Reilly.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night.

''I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota.

The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry.

''He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields.

''Not real effective," he said. ''The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk."

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves.

''A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. ''I found one carload without a drop of drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though."

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR.

In the days since the election, liberals have turned to sometimes ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers.

''If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age," an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies.

''I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. ''How many art-history majors does one country need?"

In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close to Cheney said.

''We're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might put some endangered species on postage stamps. The president is determined to reach out."

[synchondrosis]

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”