Hey, Did You Hear The One About The...

[StarOpal]

The 25 Funniest Analogies (Collected by High School English Teachers)

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a ThighMaster.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

[StarOpal]

Rules for the Blues:

HOW TO SING THE BLUES: If you are new to Blues music, or like it but never really understood the why and wherefores, here are some very Fundamental rules:

1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes - sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch...ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs, and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anywhere in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle are probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, Kansas City, Memphis, and "Nawlins" are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass

11. Bad places for the Blues
a. Nordstrom
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses

12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old person, and you slept in it.

13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
a. you're older than dirt
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied

No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund

14. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could have.

15. If you ask for water and your darlin' gives you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee

These are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast

16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

17. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

18. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie

19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

20. Blues Name Starter Kit
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Pegleg Lemon Johnson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

[StarOpal]

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.

[StarOpal]

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair ... . . Kill her!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks," she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

MORAL: Women are crazy. Don't mess with them.

[StarOpal]

Q: What do elves learn in school?

A: The Elfabet


Q: What kind of music did the pilgrims like?

A: Plymouth Rock, Of Course.


Q: What is a tree's favorite drink?

A: Root Beer

*boo**hiss*

[penguinslovedw]

Penguin jokes...
Q: What´s black and white and goes round and around?
A: A Penguin in a revolving door.

Q: Why don´t you see Penguins in Britain?
A: Because they´re afraid of Wales.

Q: Why do Penguins carry fish in their beaks?
A: Because they haven´t got any pockets.

...and a Doctor Who joke.
Q: What goes bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud?
A: A Time Lord committing suicide!

A duck walks into a grocery store, goes up to a clerk and asks "Do you have any duck food?"

The clerk is slightly amused and answers "I'm afraid we don't." The duck leaves the store.

The duck walks in the next day, goes up to the same clerk and asks "Do you have any duck food?"

The clerk doesn't find this amusing anymore and answers coldly "No, we do not have any duck food." The duck leaves the store.

The duck walks in the next day, goes up to the same clerk and asks "Do you have any duck food?"

The clerk is now really testy and says "Sir, I've told you before, we do not have any duck food, and I don't think we ever will!" The duck leaves the store.

The duck walks in the next day, and the clerk is so pissed off at the point he shouts "LISTEN YOU WADDLING CREEP!! WE DON'T HAVE YOUR FOOD!! If you ask for duck food one more time, I'm going to nail your beak to the floor!!!"

The duck asks "Do you have any nails?"

The clerk falters a bit and says "Well, no we don't."

The duck asks "Do you have any duck food?"

Dumb jokes, but I like 'em

[StarOpal]

Blame The Penguin for being a bad example....


A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was,

'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is the vacuum on or off?"

----

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know! We're going at night!"

----

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting.

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"


*boo* *hiss*

[TheOogieBoogieMan]

A chicken walks into a library and approaches the librarian. The Chicken clucks, "Book!"

The Librarian, startled by the odd request, walks to one of the shelves, grabs a book and gives it to the Chicken, who walks out with the book under his wing.

The next day, the Chicken returns, finds the same librarian and clucks "Bookbookbook!"

Shrugging, the Librarian goes to the shelf, pulls out three new books, and gives them to the Chicken, who leaves.

The next day, the Chicken returns yet again. He finds the Librarian and clucks "Bookbookbookbookbook!"

The Librarian finds five new books and gives them to the Chicken, but as the Chicken leaves, the Librarian thinks to herself, "How is it possible for a chicken to read so many books in such a short period of time? I'm going to find out what's going on." So the Librarian sneaks out of the library and follows the Chicken.

The Chicken leads the Librarian to a small house in the middle of the woods, and enters without realizing he's been followed. When the door closes, the Librarian creeps up and looks through the keyhole.

Inside the house, the Librarian sees the Chicken sitting beside a small bed. On the bed is a frog holding a box of tissues and a thermometer in his mouth.

The chicken hands over each book to the sick Frog, but as he looks at them, the Frog says, "Reddit, reddit, reddit, reddit..."

[StarOpal]

Did you hear about the time Luke kept swatting at imaginary bugs?

Yoda told him, "Shoo, or shoo not; there is no fly."

*wah wah waaah*

[StarOpal]

Why don't anteaters ever get sick?

They're full of ant-ibodies!

*boo*

[StarOpal]

A man goes to his church's prayer service and pulls the pastor aside. "Pastor, I wanted to ask if you'd pray for my hearing."

The pastor puts one finger in the man's left ear and the other on top of his head and prays and prays and prays.

He takes his finger out of the man's ear and asks him, "How's the hearing?"

"I don't know it isn't 'til next Wednesday."