Hey, Did You Hear The One About The...

[dajaymann]

duckie said:

''How many art-history majors does one country need?"

I'll give ye three guesses as to what my major was in college.

Just thought that was funny. And curiously close to home...

[TheOogieBoogieMan]

A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks "What's with the wheel sticking out of your pants, doesn't that hurt?" The man replies "Yeah, it's driving me nuts!"

Thank Jimeoin for that joke.

[TheLuckyOne]

John had just recently moved into his first apartment, and he invited his mother over for dinner one night. When she arrived, the door was answered by a gorgeous woman, who said, "Hi, you must be John's mother! He's told me so much about you. I'm Karen, John's roommate!" Mother arched her eyebrows at this, but John quickly pulled her aside and said, "Mom, I know what you're thinking, but it's not like that. Karen and I are friends, nothing more." Mother didn't say anything, but she continued to watch the two closely throughout the meal.

Several days later, Karen approached John and said, "I don't even know how to bring this up with you, but does your mother, well... take things? It's just that I have this really nice silver gravy dish, and I haven't been able to find it since she came for dinner." "Well, I doubt it," John replied, "but I'll ask her." He thought carefully about how to broach the subject, and finally sent his mother the following email:

Dear Mom,

I'm not saying you "did" take Karen's silver gravy dish, and I'm not saying you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it's been missing since you came over for dinner.

Love,
John


The next day he received her response:

My dearest son,

I'm not saying you "do" sleep with Karen, and I'm not saying you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy dish by now.

Love,
Mom


-D

[TheOogieBoogieMan]

What do Pink Floyd and Dale Earnhardt have in common? Their last biggest hits were the Wall.


NEXT!!!


There is an old widow who lives alone on the 12th floor of an apartment building. She is sitting watching television one day when the phone rings. She picks up the phone and timidly asks "Hello?". The voice on the other end responds in a deep voice: "I am the Viper. I am in the lobby." and hangs up immediately. The woman thinks nothing of it and continues watching TV.

About ten minutes later, the phone rings again. The woman answers the phone, and it is the same deep voice on the other end: "I am the Viper. I am on the third floor." and hangs up. The woman gets a little worried, but continues watching television.

Another ten minutes go by and the phone rings again. Sure enough, it's the same voice on the other end: "I am the Viper. I am on the sixth floor." and hangs up. The woman gets even more worried, and decides that if he calls again, she would call the police.

Yet another 10 minutes go by, and the phone rings again. The woman is very scared, but she answers the phone anyway. It's the same voice: "I am the Viper. I am on the ninth floor. I am coming up." Without hesitating, the woman calls the police.

Some time goes by, and the woman's doorbell rings. Thinking it's the police, she opens the door. Out in the hallway is a short old man with a bucket of water and a squeegee.

He says: "I am the Viper. I vish to vash and vipe the vindows."

[aussiebattler]

well that's 3 minutes of my life i just wasted

[aussiebattler]

A couple of bar jokes;

-A horse walks into a bar, the barmen turns and asks, "why the long face."


-A bra and a set of jumper leads walk into a bar, the bra walks up to order a drink and the barman refuses and says "sorry mate, you're off your [boobs] and your mate looks like he's gonna start somethin'"

-

[Big T]

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad sky diver?

One goes WHACK! "DARN-IT!" the other one goes "DARN-IT!" WHACK!

And one for the high school band geeks:
How do you get two oboes to play in unison?

Shoot one of them

[TheOogieBoogieMan]

Removed: somewhat offensive and definitely in icky taste. But try again! We love the jokes!

[TheOogieBoogieMan]

oogieboogieman said:

Removed: somewhat offensive and definitely in icky taste. But try again! We love the jokes!

I'll take that to mean that you liked the joke so much you wanted it for yourself. Just humour me.

Anyway, try 2:

...I was gonna put in a joke here, but then I realized it wasn't all that funny.

Try 3:

A man and a woman are driving down the same road at the same time.

As they pass each other the woman leans out the window, points and yells, “PIG! ”

The man immediately leans out his window, shakes his fist and shouts back, “WITCH!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he slams into a pig that had wandered into the middle of the road.

If only men would listen.

[TheOogieBoogieMan]

Wow, see if I care that I'm the only one who uses this thread anymore...

A man is hiking through the woods when he comes across a hungry bear. The bear charges and chases the man through the woods. The man runs fast enough to stay out of the bear's reach, but he cannot outrun it. Eventually, the man reaches a dead end in the form of a large cliff. In desparation, the man gets on his knees and prays. "Oh Lord," he says, "please give this bear some religion." The bear arrives at the cliff edge, and he too gets on his knees. "Oh Lord," he says, "Thank you for this food which I am about to recieve."

[StarOpal]

oogieboogieman said:

Wow, see if I care that I'm the only one who uses this thread anymore...

Umm... okay:

A man and his wife die and go to the pearly gates where St. Peter is judging. In front of them are two men. St. Peter says to the first man, "You are guilty of gluttony. You loved food so much you married a woman named 'Cookie'." The first man is sent to Hell.

The second man comes forward. St. Peter tells him, "You are guilty of greed. You loved money so much you married a woman named 'Penny'." The second man goes to Hell.

The husband leans over to his wife and whispers, "Fanny, I think I'm in trouble."

[deusdragonexx]

Sorry Deus, a bit too raunchy for us (I know, I know)... let's keep it funnier and cleaner! (Justin)

[Genetic Mishap]

Bipartisan joke post!

***
John Kerry walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey John, why the long face?"

***
George Bush is having a meeting with his cabinet when one of them informs everyone that three Brazilian soldiers died in an accident that morning.

Bush looks absolutly flabbergasted. "Good Lord, that's awful!", and there's an awkward silence.

He then leans to the person next to him and asks "How many is a Brazilion exactly?"

[deusdragonexx]

deusdragonexx said:

Sorry Deus, a bit too raunchy for us (I know, I know)... let's keep it funnier and cleaner! (Justin)

Darn...that's the only joke I know...

[Spiderdancer]

(Shalen is a feminist, for those who haven't already guessed.)

Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: That's not funny!

Q: How many zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: A golden tree.

Q: How many performance artists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the giraffe, and one to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

Q: How many foreign language teachers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: This light bulb that is white?
Q: Yes, the light bulb that is white.
A: This light bulb that is white and is next to the table?
Q: Yes, the light bulb that is white and is next to the table.
A: Does the light bulb that is white belong to your aunt?
Q: Yes, the light bulb that is white belongs to my aunt.
A: I will change the light bulb next to the table that is white and belongs to your aunt.
Q: Aaaaaargh. (Stranges A.)