Hey, Did You Hear The One About The...

[TheOogieBoogieMan]

A guy goes to his doctor's office and says "Doc, I can't stop singing 'She's a Lady.'"
The doctor responds "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

[StarOpal]

Did you hear the guy who wrote The Hokey Pokey died? Yeah, they had some trouble getting him in the casket.

They put his right leg in, his right leg came out. They put his right leg in....

[StarOpal]

I don't know how "real" these are, but they're pretty funny.

---
Children's Science Exam Answers. These are real answers given by children.

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made
safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes
large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All
water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no
water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where
the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get inter-
continental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his
adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.go.,
abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts--- the brainium,
the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains
the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the
abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

[TheOogieBoogieMan]

Got this from an email forward...

>One day, there was a catastrophic event which caused all living creatures on
>earth to die. To sort things out, everyone went to heaven. God approaches and
>says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who ruled their
>women on earth and the other line for the men who were ruled by their women.
>Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
>
>With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women were gone and
>there were two lines.
>
>The line of men who were ruled by their women was 1000 miles long, and in the
>line of men who ruled their women, there was only one man. God became angry and
>said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and
>you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood
>up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to
>be the only one in this line?"
>
>The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

[StarOpal]

After 4 long months of cold and winter, we are finally coming up to summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following are put into motion:

Routine...

1) The woman buys the food.
2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine....

5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:

7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine.....

8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

10) Everyone PRAISES the efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

[Head Mutant]

12) Man has to put up with 32 more years of incessent nagging, at the end of which he decides he'd rather drink an entire bottle of Drain-O than hear the whining about the "grill incident" one more time.

[TheLuckyOne]

Hey, we can tell when the meat is burning just fine by ourselves, thank you very much! Sheesh, some people...

-D

[StarOpal]

admin said:

12) Man has to put up with 32 more years of incessent nagging, at the end of which he decides he'd rather drink an entire bottle of Drain-O than hear the whining about the "grill incident" one more time.

13) Wife doctors suicide scene to make it look like an accident. Sues the Drain-O company and uses that and the insurance money to travel the world.
32 years sees the culmination of her master plan.

[StarOpal]

A guy walks in to a bar with a piece of asphalt on his shoulder.

Bartender asks, "What'll it be?"

Guy answers, "A beer for me and one for the road."

*ba dum bum*

[Vorlina]

I feel a great need to fight back on all these anti blonde jokes...


A blonde walks into a bank in central London and asks for the Loans Officer. She tells the Loans Officer that she is going on a business trip to America for two weeks and needs to borrow £10,000.00. The Loans Officer says that the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car was parked on the street outside the bank. She has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car a collateral for the loan.
The Loans Officer and the bank employees all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a £250,000 Rolls Royce as collateral against a £10,000 loan. An employee of the bank proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground parking garage and park it there.
Two weeks later, the blond returns, repays the £10,000 and interest, which comes to £30. The Loans Officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found out that you were a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow £10,000 ?"
The blonde replies..."Where else in central London can I park my car for two weeks for only £30 and expect it still to be there when I return?"

[StarOpal]

What's the difference between the sun and bread?

One rises from the east, the other rises from the yeast!


(People like telling me their corny jokes, I'm just spreading the love.)

[TheOogieBoogieMan]

A 5 year old girl gets a tea seat from her parents for her birthday. She asks her father to have a tea party with her, he agrees. In fact, he looks forward to playing with his daughter. So the girl sets up the tea set in a small table in her bedroom, and the tea party begins. The father drinks from his little cup. It's only water, but the father pretends its the best tea he's ever drank. The daughter is overjoyed, and the father ends up drinking all the water in the little tea pot. The father asks his daughter for more, and the girl runs out the room with the tea pot to fill it with water.

This goes on for a long time. The father keeps drinking the water, going on and on about how great the "tea" is. He keeps emptying the tea pot, and the girl runs out the room to refill it every time. Finally, the girl tells her dad, "Sorry, there's no more tea."

"No more tea?!" the father asks. "How can that be? Are you sure?"

Yes, daddy," the girl answers. "The toilet's empty."

[StarOpal]

"Knock, knock."

"Who's there?"

"Interrupting Pirate."

"Interrupting Pir-"

"ARGHH!"

[PoolMan]

StarOpal.

That?

WICKED.

[varana]

Three men die and go to heaven. St.Peter looks them up in his book and pronounces his verdict:

"Andy, you were married for 50 years, you never cheated on your wife. For that you will be given a nice, new sports car to drive around here in heaven.
Bob, you were married for 30 years, and you cheated on your wife 3 times. For that you will be given a normal car in good order to drive around in Heaven.
Charlie, you were married only 5 years, yet you cheated on your wife 10 times! For that you will be driving a beaten up wreck here in Heaven. "

6 months later St.Peter finds Andy crying his heart out in a parking lot outside a heavenly bar.
"What is wrong? Don't you like the sports car?"

Andy looks up and says "I just head my wife had died, so I looked her up, and tonight was our first date here in Heaven"

"That sounds nice, so why are you crying? Didn't you have a nice date?" St.Peter asks.

"You remeber why you gave me this nice car? Well, my wife shoved up driving a bicycle!"