|
|
Post by sarahbot on Feb 5, 2007 9:40:50 GMT -5
There’s this guy sitting at the bar. He says to the bartender, “Man, I feel like I’ve been mashed up, fermented, aged, mixed with soda water and poured into a glass.”
Bartender says “That’s just the booze talking.”
|
|
|
|
Post by aargmematey on Feb 6, 2007 11:29:28 GMT -5
A man just got off the airplane for a trip in Hawaii. He walks over to another man and asks "Sir, I've always wondered, how it is pronounced? Is it 'Ha-why-ee, or Ha-vy-ee?'" And so the man answers "Ha-vy-ee." The traveler says "Thank you." and the man goes "Your Velcome."
Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: *spoilers* A stick!
Q: What do you get when you borrow money from a bison?
A: A buffa-loan!
A guy walks into a bar in sits down, and he hears "You look very nice today!" He looks at the bartender and says "Who said that?" And the bartender says "The peanuts. They're complimentary."
|
|
|
|
Post by TheOogieBoogieMan on Feb 6, 2007 11:46:08 GMT -5
If Cher holds a stick of dynamite, could she be considered a plastic explosive?
|
|
|
|
Post by StarOpal on Feb 7, 2007 9:08:00 GMT -5
Okay, I can't remember where I heard this one, but I don't think it was here (and yes I actually took the time to do a bit of looking to make sure) EDIT: I messed up the joke the first time. Curse my not quite awakeness!
A man walks into a bar and it's obvious he's already a bit tipsy. He sits down and orders some drinks. Well he sees this guy on the other side of the bar who looks a lot like him and goes over, "Hey, where you from?"
The man tells him. "No kidding! That's where I'm from! Where'd you go to high school?" The man tells him and it turns out they went to the same high school, in fact they graduated the same year.
"What was your father's name?" The second man's father's name is the same as his father's.
By now they're laughing and having a great time, "Joe, get me and my friend here some drinks. On me!"
Bartender shakes his head and says to another customer, "I hate it when the O'Malley twins come in here and get drunk."
|
|
|
|
Post by TheLuckyOne on Feb 17, 2007 22:29:26 GMT -5
Hey, did you hear the one about the cannibal who dumped his girlfriend?
-D
|
|
|
|
Post by Head Mutant on Feb 18, 2007 17:03:20 GMT -5
heheh... that's one of my favorite jokes and I ALWAYS get in trouble if I tell it.
Sheesh.
Kids will remember anything gross you tell them.
|
|
|
|
Post by StarOpal on Feb 21, 2007 9:21:50 GMT -5
Signs Your Driver's Ed Teacher is a Serial Killer:
Fifty of those pine tree things hanging from the rear-view mirror won't cut that stench from the trunk.
"Today I'm going to teach you how to drive on a deserted dirt road. Turn here."
"Signal a left turn by sticking an arm out of the window. Here, use this one."
Despite what he says, you are pretty sure that the bloody shovel and Skilsaw you saw in the trunk, are not part of standard flat tire changing equipment.
"Now don't take this turn too sharply, or heads will roll. Seriously. I've got five of them in the back seat."
He has a tiny statue of Jeffrey Dahmer glued to the dashboard.
It's annoying that he never notices your merge skills, because he's too busy screaming "Die *****! Die!" at his Lucky Charms.
|
|
|
|
Post by StarOpal on Feb 22, 2007 13:51:30 GMT -5
Here's a New Englander's Temperature Conversion Chart that relates temperatures given in Fahrenheit to various human behaviors:
60 degrees - Arizona turns on the heat. People in New England plant gardens.
50 degrees - Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in New England sunbathe.
40 degrees - Italian and English cars won't start. People in New England drive with the windows down.
32 degrees - Distilled water freezes. Lake Winnepesaukee's water gets thicker.
20 degrees - Floridians bundle up in their down coats, thermal underwear, gloves, and wool hats. People in New England throw on a flannel shirt.
15 degrees - New York landlords finally turn up the heat. People in New England have the last cookout before it gets cold.
0 degrees - People in Miami all die... New Englanders close the windows.
-10 degrees - Californians fly away to Mexico. People in New England get out their winter coats.
-25 degrees - Hollywood disintegrates. Girl Scouts in New England are selling cookies door to door.
-40 degrees - Washington D.C. runs out of hot air. People in New
England let the dogs sleep indoors.
-100 degrees - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. New Englanders get frustrated because they can't start the "kah."
-460 degrees - All atomic motion stops. People in New England start saying, "cold 'nuff for ya?"
-500 degrees - Hell freezes over. The Boston Red Sox win the World Series
|
|
|
|
Post by Al on Feb 22, 2007 18:38:13 GMT -5
It's true! it's true! We are so lame!
|
|
|
|
Post by TheLuckyOne on Feb 22, 2007 23:19:33 GMT -5
-500 degrees - Hell freezes over. The Boston Red Sox win the World Series Mmmmmmmmmaybe this one should be updated... -D |
|
|
|
Post by StarOpal on Feb 23, 2007 8:36:24 GMT -5
*completely clueless about all things baseball that she hasn't seen in a movie*
Really?
Having lived both in New England and just outside of Miami, I mostly focus on "0 degrees".
...The World Series is baseball, right?
|
|
|
|
Post by TheLuckyOne on Feb 25, 2007 15:38:47 GMT -5
*completely clueless about all things baseball that she hasn't seen in a movie* Really? Having lived both in New England and just outside of Miami, I mostly focus on "0 degrees". ...The World Series is baseball, right?Er... yes. Yes it is.  And yes, the Boston Red Sox won the 2004 World Series, bringing to an end the 84-year "Curse of the Bambino," under which Boston hadn't won a World Series since trading Babe Ruth to the Yankees in 1920. (Although the last time they actually won it was 1918.) I know this, you see, because my brother- and father-in-law each have a massive, framed "RED SOX WIN!" newspaper hanging on their walls. -D |
|
coccatino
Ghostbuster
whose baby are you?
Posts: 588
|
Post by coccatino on Feb 27, 2007 14:02:44 GMT -5
StarOpal- It's in a movie called Fever Pitch with Jimmy Fallon and Drew Barrymore.
|
|
|
|
Post by StarOpal on Feb 27, 2007 14:27:21 GMT -5
My deep aversion to just about anything falling under the "romantic comedy" umbrella has prevented me from seeing Fever Pitch.
Also anything with the words epic, sweeping, moving, or touching added to the phrase "love story."
So pretty much A League of Their Own, Field of Dreams, and Major League are about my limit. Oh, and Sandlot.
|
|
|
|
Post by StarOpal on Mar 6, 2007 8:42:24 GMT -5
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.
His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side.
A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute."
The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute." She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"
The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."
|
|
