Hey, Did You Hear The One About The...

[sarahbot]

I have received nothing but shocked silence from the people I tell this joke to. Sigh.

[PoolMan]

staropal said:

coccatino said:

I laughed much harder at that then I probably should have

Me too... *Shame*

IIIIIIIIIIIIII am the champions, my frieeeeend... DUNH, DUNH...

[coccatino]

pfrsue said:

Hey, by the seventh grade I knew what the Gestapo was!

Is that because you were reading all about them in the news of the day?

cheap shot... sorry, you made that one waaaay too easy.

[TheLuckyOne]

At least they didn't say "Moooom... tomato soup can't talk!"

Unless they did. Then hitting is justified.

-D

[pfrsue]

coccatino said:

pfrsue said:

Is that because you were reading all about them in the news of the day?
cheap shot... sorry, you made that one waaaay too easy.

Wow, I thought Pooly would jump on that long before anyone else. I guess he's slowing down with his advancing age.

Coccatino, I salute you. Now GO TO YOUR ROOM!

[PoolMan]

Contrary to popular belief, I occasionally DO let an easy one go by. Justin doesn't believe this, but it's true nonetheless.

[StarOpal]

pfrsue said:

Coccatino, I salute you. Now GO TO YOUR ROOM!

Man, I didn't say anything to be nice. If I'd known there'd be saluting going on...

[coccatino]

Man, remember when going to your room was a punishment??? My 17yo brother has a tv, dvdplayer/vcr, ps2, gamecube, and xbox in his room. To punish him, I told my father to make him go outside and play in the sunlight.

Also- I salute Drew for the gestapo/gazpacho reference. I thought it was funny.

[StarOpal]

Amazingly Simple Home Remedies:

1. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

2. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

4. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink. (Justin)

5. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

6. Have a bad headache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the headache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

[DocD83]

Three tools: WD-40, duct tape, and liquor.
Use the liquor if the first two fail.

[StarOpal]

What did 0 say to 8?
"Nice belt."

Why was 6 afraid of 7?
7 8 9.

What did 2 say to 3 about 6's unruly behavior?
"6 is a product of our times."

[StarOpal]

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while
they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped
into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled
Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
considered her mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news,
she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news.

"The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to
respond rationally to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of
the person you love, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

"The bad news is, Jim, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How
soon can I go home?"

[sirgallahad2]

a man goes to the doctor and says "doc, I feel sick". The doctor runs a bunch of tests and comes back about 2 hours later and says "well, sir I have bad news and REALLY bad news". The man says "give me the REALLY bad news first". The doctor says "Well, you have lung, pancreatic and liver cancer". "Yeah, I don't give you more than 6 months to live". The exasperated man replies "so WHAT is the BAD news?" Doc says "you also have alsheimer's disease". The man stares blankly for a few seconds and says "Hey at least I can look on the bright side of this." pauses for a bit longer...and says "At least I don't have CANCER".

[StarOpal]

DOG DIARY
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones ! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

CAT DIARY
Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. I sit for hours, aimlessly looking out the window, ignoring my captors.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.

For now...

[StarOpal]

Some groan worthy wordplay....




I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulting in linoleum blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.