Hey, Did You Hear The One About The...

[Head Mutant]

Oh man, my groan muscle is used up!

[TheOogieBoogieMan]

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

[StarOpal]

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.


Problem: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Solution: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Problem: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Solution: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Problem: Something loose in cockpit
Solution: Something tightened in cockpit

Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs are on back-order.

Problem: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Problem: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Solution: Evidence removed.

Problem: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Solution: DME volume set to more believable level.

Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: That's what friction locks are for.

Problem: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
Solution: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Problem: Suspected crack in windshield.
Solution: Suspect you're right.

Problem: Number 3 engine missing.
Solution: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Problem: Aircraft handles funny.
Solution: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Problem: Target radar hums.
Solution: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Problem: Mouse in cockpit.
Solution: Cat installed.

Problem: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Solution: Took hammer away from midget.

[Head Mutant]

Thanks Star, I needed a good laugh today.

[StarOpal]

A guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a really dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm.

Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghost-like in the rain. It slowly crept toward him and stopped.

Wanting a ride really bad, the guy jumped in the car and closed the door, only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel. The car slowly started moving and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running.

The guy saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into the creek and he would surely drown, when just before the curve, a hand appeared through the driver's window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend.

Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran to town.

Wet and in shock, he went into a cafe and, voice quivering, ordered a cup of hot coffee, black, and then told everybody about his experience. A silence enveloped the cafe and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth and was not just some weirdo.

About half an hour later two guys walked into the cafe and one says to the other: "Look, there's that idiot who rode in our car when we were pushing it in the rain".

[sarahbot]

How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
BILLIONS AND BILLIONS!

[StarOpal]

From an eight year old at the school I work at, bless 'im:

Q: What do they use to count cattle?
A: A cowculator!

[StarOpal]

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really good-looking guy sitting at the bar by himself. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking. "Magic Beer," he says.

She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"

"Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times and comes back in the window.

The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again." He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.

She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy say's to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."

She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.

The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real ******* when you're drunk."

[sarahbot]

Some jokes the flight crew told us on my flight home:

How are the Calgary Flames and a teabag similar?
They're both only good for one cup.

How do you know it's spring in Toronto?
The Leafs are out.

[PoolMan]

sarahbot said:

How are the Calgary Flames and a teabag similar?
They're both only good for one cup.

How do you know it's spring in Toronto?
The Leafs are out.

Hahahahaa.... oh, I'd laugh harder if my team weren't the Canucks...

[StarOpal]

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

Puff! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life."

Puff! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

[DocD83]

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.
To show off, the Engineer called to his cat. "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your cat do?" The Government Worker called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, peed on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

[StarOpal]

Sorry, in advance, to all the blondes...


A blonde woman was speeding down the road on her red Honda Shadow and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde biker's driver's license.

She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The biker finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

[sirgallahad2]

The ladies seem to love this one.

God just got finished creating Adam and Eve. they both had an equal share of attributes. God looks at his list and he has two items left. He says to himself "aaahhh ...crap... NOW what do I do?" Then he says "well, I gave them free will, I will let THEM decide". God waves and says "Adam, Eve, come on over". "All right I have two things left." "Whoever puts their hand up first gets the first one, and the second one gets whatever's left". "whichever choice you make, every man and woman AFTER you will have this ability." He looks at his list and says "oooooookkaayyyyyyyyy....... which one of you wants the ability to pee standing up?" Adam promptly thrusts his hand into the air "ooh!!! ooh!!!! I DO! I DO! I DO!!!! me!!! me!! ME!!!!" God says "all right all right" snaps his fingers and BAM, Adam and all men after Adam can now pee standing up. Adam is thrilled and goes "WOO HOO!!!!!!" and proceeds to pee on every rock, bush, tree, and small mammal in eyesight. Adam says "WOW!!! THIS IS GREAT GOD!!! THANKS!!!!" God looks at his list, looks at an exasperated Eve, smiles a bit, and says "Well, Eve, looks like you get to have the multiple Orgasms".

[pfrsue]

staropal said:

Sorry, in advance, to all the blondes...

I read this joke out loud to my teenage daughter. She looked at me blankly. Then she shoved me aside so that she could read it for herself. She read it. She read it again. She pondered. She read it yet again. She stared at it for a very, very long time.

Then, she laughed. "On! I get it! That's funny!"

Why yes, she is blonde. How did you guess?