A Funny Thing I Heard Today (pt 2)

[sarahbot]

Let's not forget chicken eggs. "It came out of where on what animal? Sounds delicious!"

[Head Mutant]

A couple wifey quotes:

Her: Oh, you're having a cow. It's an inner cow, I can tell. I just heard it say "moo".

-and-

Her: I like child obesity! You can steal from them, and they run slower...

[TheOogieBoogieMan]

After I was told to listen to The Streets...

FRIEND: Do The Police walk The Streets?
ME: Yeah, and they're armed with Sex Pistols.

[TheLuckyOne]

Lady Luck, watching Lindsay Lohan in Freaky Friday:

"She IS really talented, for being a total cokehead."

-D

[deusdragonexx]

There is going to be a bit of exposition to explain this quote, but I work in a toy store. In this store, we sell little rubber chickens whose sole purpose is to amuse all by laying a rubber egg when squeezed. So, one day, a little boy and his father comes in and the boy starts playing with the chicken. Only half interested, the father asks the boy: "What came first, the chicken or the egg?"

Without blinking, the little boy said: "The chicken."

"Why the chicken?" asks the father.

Then, in the most deadpan, 'I-know-this-for-a-fact' way, the child said: "Because God doesn't lay eggs."

[Head Mutant]

Caramel passed this on:

25 Star Wars Lines Can Be Improved By Substituting The Word "Pants"

A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my old master.

You are unwise to lower your pants.

We've got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or down.

She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally Commander.

These pants may not look like much, kid, but they've got it where it counts.

I find your lack of pants disturbing.

These pants contain the ultimate power in the Universe. I suggest we use it.

Han will have those pants down. We've got to give him more time!

General Veers, prepare your pants for a surface assault.

I used to bulls-eye womp-rats in my pants back home.

TK-421. . . Why aren't you in your pants?

Lock the door. And hope they don't have pants.

Governor Tarkin. I recognized your foul pants when I was brought on board.

You look strong enough to pull the pants off of a Gundark.

Luke. . . Help me take...these pants off.

Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants.

That blast came from those pants. That thing's operational!

Don't worry. Chewie and I have gotten into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this.

Maybe you'd like it back in your pants, your highness.

Your pants betray you. Your feelings for them are strong. Especially one. Your sister!

Jabba doesn't have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first sign of an Imperial Cruiser.

Yeah, well short pants is better than no pants at all, Chewie.

Attention. This is Lando Calrissean. The Empire has taken control of my pants, I advise everyone to leave before more troops arrive.

I cannot teach him. The boy has no pants.

You came in those pants? You're braver than I thought.

[Spiderdancer]

Yep, there are some great "Lord of the Pants" quotes too:

Fellowship:

(Witch King shrieks)
Frodo: I can feel his pants!

Bilbo...the ring is still in your pants.

Ooh! You didn't think I would miss your Uncle Bilbo's pants?

Abandon your pants! Flee, flee for your lives!

Pour oil on the wood. Start a fire in our pants.

Bilbo found it... in Gollum's pants.

I take one more step, it'll be the farthest away from pants I've ever been.

You draw far too much attention to your pants, Mr. Underhill!

Arwen: I do not fear pants.

This is no mere Ranger. He is Aragorn, son of Arathorn. You owe him your pants.

I will be dead before I see the ring in the pants of an Elf!

Legolas: You have my bow.
Gimli: And my pants!

Fool of a Took! Throw your pants in next time and rid us of your stupidity!

By nightfall these pants will be swarming with orcs!

Gimli: (about Galadriel) All who look upon her fall under her pants.

Haldir: You have entered the pants of the Lady of the Wood.

Aragorn: I swore an oath to protect you.
Frodo: Can you protect me from your pants?

Frodo's fate is no longer in our pants.

Two Towers:

Eomer (to Grima): Too long have you watched my sister. Too long have you haunted her pants.

Gimli: Give me your pants, horsemaster, and I shall give you mine.

Through fire and water from the lowest dungeon to the highest peak I fought with the Balrog of Morgoth. Until at last I threw down my pants and smote his ruin upon the mountain side.

Aragorn: (to Gimli in Fangorn forest) lower your pants.

I told you to take the wizard's pants!

Their armour is weak at the neck and under the pants.

Grishnakh: (about Merry and Pippin) What about their pants? They don't need those. Ooh! They look tasty.

Galadriel: It works hard now to find its way back into the pants of men.

Faramir: A chance for Faramir, Captain of Gondor, to show his pants.

Frodo wouldn't have made it far without pants.

[Ms. Jellybean]

While switching between "Last of the Mohicans" and "Star Wars: Episode III" the other day, my father posed a brilliant question.

"What if Chingachgook had a lightsaber?"

*pause*

Father's friend: The movie would be over in five minutes.
Me: You'd never even get to the "find" in "I will find you."
Father: You never piss off the old guy with the battle-axe.

An apt observation.

[Head Mutant]

We were eating on the road at a Taco Bell, and in walks a herd (gaggle?) of Amish guys and gals. We were in northern Indiana, if that helps.

Caramel tries for the ol' "emasculating me through slight insinuation that she'd like to flirt with other guys" trick. She did not, however, know much about Amish society.

Caramel: Hm, those guys are cute!

Me: Huh.

Caramel: Would you mind if I went over there and talked with them? If I got their phone numbers?

Me: [pause] Honey, you have my blessing. Go forth, and get as many phone numbers as you can. Shoo! Shoo!

[TheLuckyOne]

The following was written by Warren Ellis, an extremely talented (if sometimes insufferable) comics writer known for his... let's say eccentric approach to superheroes.

*********

It occurs to me that an awful lot of trouble in Gotham City could have been averted a long time ago if Batman had just ripped the Joker’s nipples off.

I mean, treatment doesn’t work, does it? They stick the Joker in the nuthatch, he comes out again and does the same things.

A man with the nipples ripped off him does not make the same mistakes twice.

Criminals are a superstitious, cowardly lot, and need the nipples ripped off them.

I mean, who’s going to argue?

“Batman, I’ve heard disturbing reports that you ripped the Joker’s nipples off.”

“Choke on [censored], Commissioner Gordon.”

“…okay.”

I mean, crime in Gotham City doesn’t exactly seem to be affected by a man dressed as a bat flapping around the place. But no one disobeys a man wearing a necklace of human nipples.

“I’m Batman” isn’t cutting it in the striking-fear-into-their-hearts stakes. But “I’m Batman — and I’m here for your nipples” is an entirely different proposition.

Criminals would see the error of their ways after a man in a black leather pervert suit had their nipples off with the edge of a Batarang, you mark my words. Or a Bat-Denipplizer.

I’m off to ring DC Comics.

*********

-D

[pfrsue]

Overheard from the back seat of my car the other day:

Daughter: Hey, that cloud looks just like a pig!
Son: It's overcast.
Daughter: Oh. Yeah. Never mind.

[dangshessnazzy]

This happened discussing biblical interpretation -

Monkygravy : yeah, i don't know why i expect a book written by a ton of different dudes throughout time to make logical and precise sense and to apply to common day completely

JourneykiD : im pretty sure if you wrote the bible youd throw in something like "forsake not the pancake day" and then 2,000 years later there would be a bunch of pancake fundamentalists running around pouring maple syrup on gay people and waging wars against new waffle land

[dangshessnazzy]

Also, my favorite one-sided phone conversation, on the way to Lincoln -


"Yeah, we're on our way to Lincoln!"
(Pause)
"That's where They Might Be Giants lived!"
(Pause)
"I'm sorry, (pause) ...I... (pause) well, we like Abraham too, okay?"

I laughed so loud.

[StarOpal]

Two coworkers...

1: What's that game in Japan? The one that's like slot machines?

2: Paniko?

1: Yeah, that's it, paniko!

*they keep talking about "paniko"*

Me: *grinning from behind computer monitor* It's Pachinko.

1&2: ....

[Ms. Jellybean]

My younger sister has some of the greatest life ambitions. These started a couple of years ago, and I thought I'd put them here in chronological order. The best statement was today's.

(while watching Pirates of the Caribbean)

I wanna be a pirate!

(while watching Revenge of the Sith)

I wanna be a Sith Lord!

(while watching Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid)

I wanna be an outlaw!

(while watching Harry Potter)

I wanna be a wizard!

(while watching Last of the Mohicans)

I wanna be a Mohican!