A Funny Thing I Heard Today (pt 2)

[Lissa]

Two guys walked into a bar.

The third one ducked.

[Al]

A man walks hurriedly into the waiting room of a doctor's office and tells the receptionist "I need to see the doctor!"

"What's your problem, sir?" the receptionist inquires.

"It's my penis." He says quite loudly, gaining disapproving looks from the others in the room.

The receptionist leans towards him and says "You really shouldn't say that in a full room of people."

"Well what should I say?" The man asks.

"Well, you could say it's your ear and then tell the doctor your real problem when you're alone in the examination room." She replies.

"Ohhh..." the man says with a smile and a conspiritorial nod. He promptly leaves. Ten minutes later he returns and marches to the receptionist's desk.

"Hello, sir." She smiles.

"I need to see the doctor." He says with a wink.

"And what seems to be the problem?" she asks, winking back.

"It's my ear." He proclaims with another wink.

"I see..." <wink> "and what's wrong with your ear?"

"I can't pee out of it."



Al

[DocD83]

I was out with my friend the other day going from "party" to "party" (not enough people at any one of them to really qualify). We came up to this one place that had a keg and all of five people there. The guy throwing the pary greets us:

"You gonna help us put a dent in the keg?"
Mike: "You know it"
Me: "He doesn't mean he'll drink any, we're just going to beat it with a baseball bat."

[PoolMan]

Wow. Five people and a keg. Talk about eyes bigger than your stomach.

Or intellect.

[DocD83]

It gets worse--no one was drinking much. Sure most of them had a glass but they were really just nursing it. They were contenting themselves with another vice at the time.

[PoolMan]

Ah... did it involve a rolled-up Canadian loonie dollar bill?

[DocD83]

Only if that dollar bill was made of glass and brightly colored.

[PoolMan]

ALL Canadian money is brightly coloured! ;D

[DocD83]

But not made of glass, I would assume. Sounds like it would be dangerous to carry around. Maybe that's a crime prevention mechanism?

Mugger: "Gimme yo wallet!"
You: [smash wallet on the table and twist it in his face] "HERE'S MY WALLET, [Canadian insult]!"

[druidGirl]

Ok, so my girlfriend works at the state mental hospital here in Austin. As you can imagine "I heard the funniest thing today" takes on a whole new meaning for her when she goes to work.

Anyway, this one crazy lady (very small, very shy, they never have violence problems with her) walked over to another patient, put her hands on his head and tried to do the head twist to brake his neck. She's very puny, so she barely got a head turn out of the guy. A few staff (including my girlfriend) rushed over to pull her away from the other patient. They asked her why she decided to do that. She looked at them very calmly, and in a matter-of-fact manner said:

"He is evil. And must be destroyed."

Then she just walked off and started watch TV.

Crazy people, they're...CRAZY!

[huehuetenango]

i think this may be one of those things which is only funny if you were there, but here goes

last night was a party at my residence at university where all the upper years buy alcohol and the first years just drink. the upper years will generally buy the most disgusting alcohol they can find
two funny things
i went with a few friends to the liquor store
two of them bought 40s of malt liquor called "force 10" when we got to the checkout one asked if they had anything worse than force 10 and the guy said "when the homeless come in they usually buy (some other 40 of malt, i forget the name) if we don't have any, we offer them this, as it's the next cheapest. they'll walk out and say they just won't drink anything
we all found that absolutely hilarious

another funny part
i bought a two litre plastic bottle of stuff called Well's Ale. i figured several people would work together to drink it
we got to the party and one of my friends grabs the bottle, hands it to ONE first year and says "drink this"
the kid was doing his best on it when i finally stumbled out of the party
i felt really bad for him

(i know, i'm a horrible person)

[DocD83]

I'm doing a group project for my AOE materials class. My job is basically to write up the report. When I was typing in the bibliography yesterday, among our 20-some resources, I listed "The Hobbit." Just to see if anyone actually reads those things. I'll let you know how it turns out.

I was tempted to list Mithril as one of the candidate materials, but I think that may be a bit too obvious. And one hell of an expensive propeller shaft.

[Lissa]

Be careful. They do.

And it's very, very, VERY embarrassing when they point out you've spelled your advisor's name wrong.

[DocD83]

We think this prof would get a kick out of it. He has a pretty good sense of humor.

Our advisor doesn't get named on the report. Sucker! He shouldn't waste his time with such a low level undergrad course. (BTW, he reviewed our rough draft today and didn't notice it.)

Are you speaking from experience on the name thing? It does sound embarassing.

Right now my biggest concern is finding a creative way to say that we didn't want to bother with doing some calculations (we ruled out steel because of that).

[Lissa]

Yeah, the name thing was out of personal experience. My former advisor had written one of the books we cited. His first name was Harold. We typed Farold. Oops. (We also spelled his last name wrong too.)

Even worse was when said advisor was at my Master's defense. I'd misquoted one of his pubs. OOPS. But not only was HE on my committe, his two co-writers were on my committee too!!!!

"I don't remember writing that. Did you write that, Michael?"
"No! I would never write that. Are you sure you didn't write it, Harold?"
"Nope. Chunshan?"
"Me? Oh no!"

It was like that scene in the Lion King, where the hyenas are denying that they know Simba is Mufasa's son and then look over.... "Ed???"

Hey, it gave the audience a pretty good laugh!