The Rules of Boozing

[TheLuckyOne]

"The sway of alcohol over mankind is unquestionably due to its power to stimulate the mystical faculties of human nature, usually crushed to earth by the cold facts and dry criticisms of the sober hour. Sobriety diminishes, discriminates, and says no; drunkenness expands, unites, and says yes. Not through mere perversity do men run after it."
~William James


Inspired by StarOpal's recent posting in the "Linkage" section, I recently began rereading The Modern Drunkard, the third-greatest book ever written (after the Bible and The Sword of Samurai Cat). But I can't keep such boundless wisdom to myself, so I've decided to share with all of you the official, immutable, set-in-stone Rules of Boozing. I'll post a new one once or twice each day, unless of course I forget, or I'm out of town. In which case I'll just post a whole mess of 'em at once.

So feel free to comment, everyone, or to share your favorite drinking quotes; and consider this an official shout-out to all the drinkers out there, all the sophisticates and lushes and frat boys and Rat Packers, everyone who can't call themselves a wino because they always say "Why yes... I will have another drink!" This one's for you.


1) If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.


-D

[TheLuckyOne]

2) Always toast before doing a shot.


-D

[sirgallahad2]

Stealing a man's beer is equivelant to stealing his woman, do at your own risk.

[sirgallahad2]

For the fellas...

NEVER invite yourself over to a "girls night out" table. You can try and pry one of them loose, but they are protective and will "crotch-block" you with impunity. (PG-13 site folks, have to be clean.) Do something funny, possibly slutty, and the women will invite you TO them.

[StarOpal]

Wow, I inspire!

Don't forget the Museum of the American Cocktail.

[TheLuckyOne]

3) Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer the toast.


-D

[TheLuckyOne]

4) Change your toast at least once a month.


-D

[TheLuckyOne]

5) Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.


-D

[TheLuckyOne]

6) Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.


-D

[TheLuckyOne]

Never had to worry about this one myself, but...


7) Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.


-D

[TheLuckyOne]

8) When the bartender is slammed, resist the urge to order a slightly dirty, very dry, in-and-out, super-chilled, half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots, and two-part cocktails.


-D

[sirgallahad2]

Alcohol forgives ALL bad Karaoke, dancing, and pick-up attempts. It Does NOT forgive fight-starting, roofies, Jack-assery and the ever-dreaded douche-baggery. Behave yourselves and have fun.

P.S. There is NO excuse for drinking and driving (being serious here). Call a cab, sleep in your car or be REALLy smart and bring along a devastated driver so you can get home and not risk the lives of everyone else on the road. A night out can be LOTS of fun. Do be smart about it.

[sirgallahad2]

8) When the bartender is slammed, resist the urge to order a slightly dirty, very dry, in-and-out, super-chilled, half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots, and two-part cocktails. (can't figure out that green box thing)

On that note, if you need THAT many commas and dashes to order a drink, you fall under the category of douche-bag and you should stick to the hoity-toity "Hot clubs" and stay out of the REAL bars.

[TheLuckyOne]

9) Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.

10) Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.

11) Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: "Great, now I'm going to get drunk." "I hate shots." "It's coming back up."


-D

[TheLuckyOne]

12) Never ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.


13) If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. He'll get the message.


-D