Hey, Did You Hear The One About The...

[Hucklebubba]

As someone who is largely German (by which I mean I'm fat), I'm surprised that there really isn't an established stereotype for folks of the descent in question. I mean, you'd think that being the bad guy in two world wars would facilitate some negative presumptions.

But based on my encounters with actual German-Americans--by which I mean either first generation immigrants, or native citizens who are more solidly German in their descent (as opposed to a typical American Mutt such as myself, who merely has German as the mode ingredient in his heritage gumbo*)--the only semi-common thread I've detected is a sort of quietly affable metrosexuality.

Which is kind of difficult to construct slams out of: "Hey! Why don't you put on some khakis and an olive drab turtleneck and go read a book! At the library! You are excessively well-kempt!"


*Hooray for my indiscriminate and horny ancestors!

[TheLuckyOne]

Al brings a knife to a gunfight.

-D

[StarOpal]

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.

One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.

The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"

"No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

[StarOpal]

Oh, do the bad puns ever stop? I hope not.


Q: What kind of dog can tell time?

A: A watchdog.


Q: What do you call a fish that can communicate in binary?

A: A Data Bass.

[PoolMan]

What do you call the Egyptian writing up on the wall? Hieroglyphics.

What do you call the Egyptian writing down on the floor? Lowerglyphics.

[DarthShady]

What do you call Batman & Robin when they get hit by the Batmobile?
Flatman & Robin.
...

[coccatino]

staropal said:

Q: What do you call a fish that can communicate in binary?
A: A Data Bass.

^{I might have just laughed really hard at that.}

[StarOpal]

Not quite jokes, and a little late, but I was sent this today...

FAMOUS APRIL FOOL'S DAY PRANKS

In 1957, a BBC television show announced that thanks to a
mild winter and the virtual elimination of the spaghetti
weevil, Swiss farmers were enjoying a bumper spaghetti
crop. Footage of Swiss farmers pulling strands of spaghetti
from trees prompted a barrage of calls from people wanting
to know how to grow their own spaghetti at home.

***

Noted British astronomer Patrick Moore announced on the
radio in 1976 that at 9:47 am, a once-in-a-lifetime astro-
nomical event, in which Pluto would pass behind Jupiter,
would cause a gravitational alignment that would reduce
the Earth's gravity. Moore told listeners that if they
jumped in the air at the exact moment of the planetary
alignment, they would experience a floating sensation.
Hundreds of people called in to report feeling the sen-
sation.

***

In 1996, American fast-food chain Taco Bell announced that
it had bought Philadelphia's Liberty Bell, a historic symbol
of American independence, from the federal government and
was renaming it the Taco Liberty Bell. Outraged citizens
called to express their anger before Taco Bell revealed the
hoax. Then-White House press secretary Mike McCurry was asked
about the sale and said the Lincoln Memorial in Washington
had also been sold and was to be renamed the Ford Lincoln
Mercury Memorial after the automotive giant.

[StarOpal]

30 Signs You're No Longer A Kid...

1. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

2. Your back goes out more than you do.

3. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

4. You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

5. You are proud of your lawn mower.

6. Your best friend is dating someone half their age... and it isn't breaking any laws.

7. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

8. You sing along with the elevator music.

9. You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

10. You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

11. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

12. You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

13. You make an appointment to see the dentist.

14. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

15. Neighbors borrow your tools.

16. People call at 9 o'clock in the evening and ask, "Did I wake you ?"

17. You have a dream about prunes.

18. You answer a question with, "Because I said so!"

19. You send money to PBS.

20. The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

21. You take a metal detector to the beach.

22. You wear black socks with sandals.

23. You know what the word "equity" means.

24. You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

25. Your ears are hairier than your head.

26. You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

27. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

28. You get cable television for the Weather Channel.

29. You can go bowling without drinking.

30. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

[StarOpal]

I got a lot of blonde jokes today so... As always apologies to blondes.


Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away: Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Hello, can you see Florida?"


A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"


A police officer stopped a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

[TheOogieBoogieMan]

A thief in Paris wanted to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

[StarOpal]

An old man and an old woman are getting ready for bed...

The woman says, "Honey, do you remember when we were younger you would hug me before you said 'Goodnight?'"

The man leans over and hugs his wife.

"And remember you used to kiss me?"

The man leans over and kisses her.

"And..." she blushes, "Remember how you'd nibble my neck?"

Suddenly the man gets up and leaves the bedroom.

Confused the wife says, "What are doing? Did I say something wrong?"

The man calls from the hallway, "I'm going downstairs to get my teeth!"

[blinkfan]

Probably been used if not good for me.
When I was in the production of the outsiders at my school (Steve Randle baby)
I had to say a joke at the beggining of the rumble scene.

"So a guy lost his left arm and left leg"
"He's allRIGHT"

[TheLuckyOne]

A new priest about to give his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. The day before, he asked the monsignor if he had any advice. The monsignor replied, "When I'm worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So on Sunday, the priest took the monsignor's advice. Every time he felt nervous during the mass, he took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon the priest's return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There were 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as "the late J.C."
7) The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as "Daddy, Junior, and the Spook."
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s**t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10)We do not refer to the cross as "the Big T."
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, He said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12)The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the cherry."
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."

-D

[StarOpal]

Two farmers lived next to eachother. One was optimistic, the other pessimistic.

If it was sunny the Optimist would say, "Ah, fine warm weather." The Pessimist would say, "Bet were gonna have a drought." If it rained the Optimist would say, "There'll be plenty of water for the crops." The Pessimist would say, "Bet were gonna have a flood."

So one day the Optimist meets the Pessimist while walking his dog. "What do you think of my new bird dog?" The Pessimist says, "I dunno, don't look like much to me." The Optimist grins slyly and invites the Pessimist to go hunting the next day.

So they're out there, and they shoot a few ducks and the Optimist sends his dog out to get them. Only instead of swimming the dog walks on water, grabs the ducks, and comes back. The Optimist, smiling, looks over and says, "Now what do you think of him?"

The Pessimist looks at the dog for a moment, "Dog can't swim can he?"