|
|
Post by StarOpal on Nov 6, 2005 14:15:31 GMT -5
*laughs*
This reminds me of story my dad likes to tell. Five years old, teacher ask me what my dad does. Proper words: Baptist preacher. Said words: Bastard preacher.
Have yet to live it down.
|
|
|
|
Post by TheLuckyOne on Nov 17, 2005 11:47:58 GMT -5
FACTS ABOUT CHUCK NORRIS:
Chuck Norris's tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew gigantic biceps.
Chuck Norris is responsible for 12 gold records and six academy award winning movies. He never goes to the award shows, however, because he finds Hollywood to be beneath him. Which it is.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris -- more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris -- robot in disguise," and starred Chuck as a sarcastic comic book fan/crimefighter who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a Delorean. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "hardcore awesomeness." Jesus wore it proudly to His dying day. The other wise men, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly thereafter, all three died of roundhouse kick-related deaths.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer, Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer, only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger by yelling, "Bang!"
Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the crap out of little kids.
Chuck Norris will take your virginity. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity," then you are dead wrong.
Chuck Norris can make any woman and most men climax by simply pointing at them and saying "booyah."
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axles, and buffalo
meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his masculine good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris replaced Angel for one scene and nobody noticed.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Upon viewing your CD and record collection, Chuck Norris will not only laugh at you, but the laughter will cause your eyes to bleed. Once blinded by this, he will roundhouse kick you and you will thank him for it and mean it.
Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.
Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his way."
Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children just for the heck of it. When they start crying, Chuck calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about" and roundhouse kicks them in the face.
Chuck Norris once went to a fraternity party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs, chided their musical tastes, and pooped on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the crap out of viruses. That's why Chuck never gets ill.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
-D
|
|
|
|
Post by PoolMan on Nov 17, 2005 11:53:19 GMT -5
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger by yelling, "Bang!" Chuck Norris can make any woman and most men climax by simply pointing at them and saying "booyah". Wow. Hope he doesn't get those two mixed up too often! |
|
|
|
Post by Head Mutant on Nov 17, 2005 12:58:58 GMT -5
And I thought the scariest thing about Drew was his eyes.
Huh. You learn something new every day.
|
|
|
|
Post by TheOogieBoogieMan on Nov 17, 2005 14:53:13 GMT -5
That reminds me of when NBC and Universal merged, and Conan O'brien celebrated by playing random clips from Walker, Texas Ranger. Those were good times...
|
|
|
|
Post by Head Mutant on Nov 20, 2005 12:52:39 GMT -5
Guy at church [to me and Caramel]: You guys are pretty funny!
Caramel: Yeah, well, he's the "humor", and I'm the "sense of".
|
|
|
|
Post by Head Mutant on Nov 26, 2005 12:44:11 GMT -5
Caramel: I've been dreaming about Harry Potter all week!
Me: Um... have they been "dirty" Harry dreams?
|
|
|
|
Post by StarOpal on Nov 26, 2005 16:08:46 GMT -5
Me: Yeah, Mom likes to dance to her own fiddler.
Mom: No, I like to fiddle with my dancer!
|
|
|
|
Post by TheLuckyOne on Nov 26, 2005 16:36:03 GMT -5
That is, of course, why most such places have bouncers...  -D |
|
|
|
Post by Head Mutant on Nov 29, 2005 12:44:57 GMT -5
I loathe news people who think they're witty by making bad puns:
["Feliz Navidad" music clip plays on the news radio station]
FEMALE ANNOUNCER: Well, we've moved into that time of year, Feliz Navidad! But I hear it's not a great commutidad out there...
TRAFFIC ANNOUNCER: No, Jane, it's not a good commutidad today.
|
|
|
|
Post by pfrsue on Nov 29, 2005 13:23:33 GMT -5
I really love where I live. Headline in today's newspaper: "Columbus Man Leads Police On Chase, Then Eats Ticket"
|
|
|
|
Post by Spiderdancer on Nov 29, 2005 16:02:08 GMT -5
Quote from Yakima Police dept. report I read today (Name changed):
"Suspect continued to resist. At this time Corrections Officer Smith took the suspect's arm and we escorted him to the ground."
|
|
|
|
Post by pfrsue on Nov 29, 2005 18:24:44 GMT -5
I really dislike spam emails. I do. But today as I was purging the bulk mailbox, I took a peek to see what all was there. Apparently three very worthy individuals all want to sell me software. Their names are: Dubai O. Flagship, Easterner K. Savoriest, and my personal favorite, Shrimp H. Roisterer. I really want to see these guys in a Terry Pratchett novel!
|
|
|
|
Post by Head Mutant on Dec 6, 2005 17:24:09 GMT -5
Possibly the funniest thing I've witness in a LONG time...
Caramel comes home with bags from the dollar store, for various Christmas projects. She takes out some cutesy Christmas plates, and proceeds to tell me:
"I'm going to make cookies and brownies and fudge and arrange them all over on these plates, and wrap them up and give them out!"
It's at this point, in her showing-me-the-plates-tour, that she turns the plate over. In big bold letters:
FOR DECORATIVE PURPOSES ONLY.
ARTICLE MAY POISON FOOD.
She says, "[bad word]."
|
|
|
|
Post by pfrsue on Dec 6, 2005 18:39:10 GMT -5
Well, do you have any acquaintences you don't like?
|
|
